Friday, October 28, 2011

Snarky Twilight - Eric, Tyler, and the dance

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

Bella: Hey Eric
Eric: Hey Bella. *pause* Listen, before I go on with this, do you know anything about the setting?
Bella: [Starts to unlock her truck] How so?
Eric: Well is it light or dark? Is the lot crowded or full? That sort of thing.
Bella: All I know is that I saw you being all tall and dark. Beyond that I've got nothing.
Eric: I'm tall? I thought I was short.
Bella: So did I. *pause* I suppose if you need to know we could do some checking.
[Bella and Eric pull out their cellphones to do research]
Bella: It says here that this school gets out at 3:15 at the absolute latest. So if we just figure out what time of year it is...
Eric: It says here that the dates in these books are literally impossible-
Bella: No surprise.
Eric: but you started school on January 18th.
Bella: I've been here for a few short weeks so it must be around
Eric: Midwinter.
Bella: Exactly. [Looks at phone] So sunset is sometime between 5 and 6 PM. [shows Eric smart phone]
Eric: Which means that it's … uh
Bella: Anywhere from two hours and 13 minutes to two hours and twenty four minutes until sunset. But that still doesn't tell us whether it's dark. With thick enough clouds midday can be pretty dark. [shrugs and returns attention to unlocking truck] Why did you want to know?
Eric: I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be a creepy stalker or if I'm supposed to be a reasonable human being. I was hoping context would help.
Bella: I might be able to help you there. It says that I stopped being afraid when I realized it was you, and I'm not really paying attention to you now.
Eric: So I'm not a stalker?
Bella: I wouldn't go that far. I'm just not threatened.
Eric: What's a non-threatening stalker? Is that even possible?
Bella: No idea, but if you don't get on with it I'm going to unlock this door, get in my truck, and drive off. In fact, I'm paying more attention to the lock than I am to you.
Eric: Ok. Here goes: I was just wondering … if you would go to the spring dance with me.
Bella: [turning away from the lock] Hold it. We just established that only a few short, emphasis on SHORT, weeks had passed since January 18th, right?
Eric: Yeah.
Bella: And the dance coming up in two weeks is the spring dance.
Eric: Yup.
Bella: And spring, as it is defined in the United States, doesn't even start until more than eight, almost nine, weeks after January 18th.
Eric: That's about the size of it.
Bella: In what world is a few weeks plus two almost nine weeks? That's not short. That's two thirds of a season.
Eric: I think you're counting the two weeks in your-
Bella: Ok, more than half a season. Point remains: it's not short. I could memorize someone's voice in that time, there's no reason to think it too short for familiarity. It can't have been almost seven weeks. So that means that either the spring dance is in winter or ... or the seasons are shorter than they should be. In what world does this make sense?
Eric: I didn't make the rules.
Bella: Speaking of the rules: the dance.
Eric: What about the dance?
Bella: It's the girl's choice dance?
Eric: It is.
Bella: Aren't you breaking the rules by asking me?
Eric: Are you saying that I'm not a girl?
Bella: I believe that I am.
Eric: Then yes, I'm breaking the rules.
Bella: Well it doesn't matter. I'll be in Seattle.
Eric: Maybe next time.
Bella: Sure. *pause* But please be aware that when I say, “Sure,” it is not intended to be a factual statement.
Eric: Ok. I have to go slouching now. See you later.
Bella: Later.

[Eric leaves, Bella gets into her truck and tries to leave, Edward cuts her off and then stops, creating a traffic jam. Tyler, in his new car, is stuck behind Bella's truck.]

Bella: Thank you so much, jerkface.
Tyler: Who are you talking to?
Bella: Edward [points], why are you not in your car?
Tyler: Edward isn't going to move until the plot progresses. *pause* So, you remember how I said I looked it up online and found out I was going to become a controlling jerk?
Bella: Yeah, I remember.
Tyler: Well that starts now. I'm here to get you to ask me to the spring dance.
Bella: Are you a girl?
Tyler: Not that I know of.
Bella: Then that's cheating.
Tyler: Yes, but it's cheating with the veneer of not cheating on it. I'm not asking you to the dance directly, I'm phrasing it around the idea that you're the one to ask. 'Will you ask me to the spring dance?' It's both cheating and dishonest about being cheating.
Bella: I'm going to be out of town.
Tyler: I know. Mike told me.
Bella: Then what the fuck?
Tyler: My only purpose in this novel is to be a jerk who thinks he means well. I wish it were not so, but it is. Sorry.
Bella: Being a jerk is one thing, but why would you ... I mean ... I don't even. What?
Tyler: I was thinking that you told Mike you'd be out of town to let him down easy but you were somehow so scatterbrained as not to realize that going with someone else would sort of defeat the purpose because then he'd see you at the dance and realize you just lied to him breeding a level of conflict and discomfort in your circle of friends that you have not known previously which is saying something given that most of your friends are guys who hate each other on account of only being there in hopes of getting you. I was likewise assuming that, no matter who else you might reject, you'd obviously go with me because ... clearly. Like I said, I only exist to be a jerk.
Bella: Done yet?
Tyler: Unfortunately no. There's one more thing I have to do, but before I do [points to Edward] jerkface, as you call him, is listening in on my point of view right now, possibly with popcorn, so if you'd like to say something to him about trapping you here, if you say it to me he'll hear it.

[very long angry rant]

Tyler: A railroad spike?
Bella: I don't care what the author says, there has to be something humans can do to kill those things. There has to be.
Tyler: I don't know, the author controls reality.
Bella: Then why are they in hiding?
Tyler: Good point. Anyway, I have to go. Are you ready for my closing bit of jerkness?
Bella: Shoot.
Tyler: That's cool. We still have prom.

[Tyler walks away]

Bella: [looking at Edward] Do I detect a hint of nervousness in your present laughing? Good.


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