Saturday, October 8, 2011

Snarky Twilight - Index

This is a series of rewrites, mostly in dialog, of various bits of the book Twilight, and now even a little of what happens during New Moon.

Bible Quote - Twilight Begins with a quote from the Bible.
Preface - The Bible quote is followed by a scene from late in the story that never actually appears in the story itself.
Anything that begins has to have a beginning - In which Bella says goodbye to her mother and home so she can go to the place where the narrative takes place.

The Van Scene - So there's this van spinning out of control towards Bella, and then a vampire shows up.
At the Hospital with Tyler - Some nice discussion with the driver of the van, and foreshadowing.
At the Hospital with Carlisle - The Cullens fail the masquerade...

Eric, Tyler, and the Dance - Two people ask Bella to the dance, Bella thinks of rail spikes.

Lunch With Edward - Edward beckons, Jessica and Bella talk about that, Bella and Edward talk about their relationship, such as they have one.

At the Nurse's - Edward and Bella discuss Edward's track record and refusal to take responsibility for his actions.

Post-Nurse Parking Lot 1 - Edward tries to go by the book, which happens to involve dragging Bella across a parking lot by her clothes. He gets as far as grabbing her by the jacket when Bella puts her foot down and refuses to follow the book.
Post-Nurse Parking Lot 2 - Edward finds Bella disconcertingly in his passenger seat even though he just saw her drive away. She talks about her options, his failure to matter, and what it will take to get her to go along with the story.

Discovery of the Tardis Truck - Consider it a very limited flashback to see some of what happened between the two previous ones. Bella is reunited with an old friend, and that's about it.

Alice and the Truck - Because Bella went off script, Alice didn't need to bring the truck home to Bella. She asked to do it anyway.

Exposition from Jacob - Bella fails to use her wiles, but Jacob tells her about vampires and werewolves anyway.

Wouldn't you prefer a good game of chess? - Bella Googles information on vampires.

Chapter 7 Wrap Up - Bella and Mike discuss essays and their relationship, Bella and Jessica discuss manipulating the narrative, Bella and Angela discuss Bella's paper, Bella and Charlie discuss TV, their relationship, and Bella's upcoming trip to Port Angeles.

The Encounter at Port Angeles - Bella wanders off on her own into a nonexistent part of town and bad things try to happen to her.

I'm a freak? / Also the problem with imprinting on an egg. - On how Bella's mind works, and the other part of what it says in the title.

The Most Important Question -  Edward tells Bella she hasn't asked him the most important question, Edward and Bella disagree on exactly what that question is.

Badminton - Mike asks Bella if she wants to be on his team in gym class.

Company (the Chapter 11, Chapter 12 changeover) - Edward title drops, Bella explains the wonder of the night, the Jacob and Billy Black arrive, Edward splits, Charlie pulls up, chapter break, four way conversation, then Jacob and Bella have some time to talk to each other.

On the Road - Bella reminds Edward that they made a deal, Edward complains about the lengths she went to make sure he'd keep it, Edward shows less than sufficient respect for the truck, and less than sufficient knowledge of science fiction.
Who knows? - Bella and Edward discuss who knows that they are together.
On the Road - (same post, later section) Edward continues to show a lack of respect for the truck, also forgets about Bella's disability.

Vampires Sparkle - Edward and Bella reach the meadow.

Non-food analogies - Edward apologizes for using a food analogy to explain his attraction to Bella's blood explaining that he couldn't think of another way to explain.  Bella offers several.

Falling off the Wagon and Murder and Stuff - Edward discusses murder as an addiction, he and Bella debate morality and responsibility for fictional characters, they compare notes on their first meeting, Bella argues that human beings have inherent value that is greater than the things Edward cares about when thinking murder.

Edward makes the possibility of Bella's death (at his hands) all about him - What the title suggests and Edward claiming to be in love with Bella.
In which Edward Gives Bella A Ride, And Chapter 13 Ends - Edward admits fault, twice, and borders on sympathetic before taking a sharp turn back toward his usual self, Bella sticks to the script for as long as she can bear it, Edward gives Bella a ride on his back then tries to drive her truck, and that sort of stuff.

Jealousy - Edward talks jealousy, Bella talks chimeric metaphors, the need for bear traps, personal space, legality, and so forth.

The Start of Chapter 15 (Or, that time Edward stepped into a bear trap) - Quick interlude needed to get things back on track because Snarky Bella wouldn't let Edward stay the night.
Creativity, Trust, and ... um... stuff - Edward insults Bella a few times, Charlie rises above the low bar the narrative wants him to limbo under.

Going to the Vampire Lair - Bella prepares herself to meet the Cullens.
It's so white in here why? - The Cullen House is completely white.  White.  White white white.  White.  Why?  Alice explains.
Meetings and greetings (Part 1) - So I completely forgot that I had to cut this short due to time constraints and never got around to part two.  Oops.  Meeting Carlisle, Esme, and Alice.  Also noting the impossible nature of Esme's description, as well as the clothing she and Carlisle are wearing.

The Ride to Baseball - Edward gives Bella a ride in Emmett's jeep in the general direction of vampire baseball.

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New Moon:

Lauren, Bella, and the Truck - Lauren was conned and humiliated, Bella tries to cheer her up.
Lauren, Bella, and the Bank Job - Did I mention that Lauren was conned out of a lot of money? What better way to fix that than to rob a bank?

- Other

Bella and The Doctor have a short conversation on Weeping Angels - Um, why can't you kill a stone?

Random Bits of Twilight - Includes a short apocryphal scene of Snarky Bella and Edward at the Port Angeles restaurant.

Lucy, meet Bella - Bella's story hopping and encounters Lucy during an out of character moment.  She suggests that Lucy might be better off following her character than her author.

(Snarky) Bella summarizes canon Twilight through chapter 15 - And she does it twice for good measure.

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Most recently updated on 4-20-2014

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