Friday, October 7, 2011

Love and Whatnot in TurboJesus' Kingdom

[Originally posted at Slacktivist (page 4).]
[There were some questions about how reproduction and whatnot worked in the Millennial Kingdom.]

For those not-glorified sex is the same as it always was. Glorified people are all, 33 I think? And they don't age. For those not glorified aging is slowed down significantly, and even many decades in people who never knew anything different are still going:

"I'm X, but people from before all tell me that I look like I'm X/5."
"Yeah, I'm Y, but I look like pictures of my mother taken when she was Y/5."

While the person reading is going:

"Yeah, it's been around, what? 3/4s of a century now? More? Just stick with your actual ages. There's no reason to translate it into me-speak all the time, I get it already."


Or, to put it into story form with names I've chosen randomly:

Ana: I love you.
Jacob: I love you. I'll be right back I promise.

Jacob walks outside, the sun is suddenly turned up to 11, he is burned to death while saying, as fast as he can: Jesus Christ Lord of humanity and the world, only begotten son of God, please let me into Heaven which I don't deserve 'cause I'm a sinner, Amen." And then he dies.

In Heaven:
Jesus: That was close. If you'd waited half a second longer you wouldn't have finished the prayer and I'd have sent you right to Hell. But you didn't wait and now you're here. Welcome to your Heavenly home.
Jacob: Yeah, thanks man. *Looks at his inhumanly perfect heavenly body* Am I a vampire?
Jesus: No. You will not sparkle in the sunlight.

Back on earth Ana has been listening to Last Kiss focusing on the, "Gone to Heaven so I've got to be good / so I can see my baby when I leave this world," part. She prays the sinner's prayer.

Later, at the end of the Tribulation, Ana and Jacob are reunited. She runs up to him, gives him a great big hug and a kiss. He recoils in horror.

Jacob: I'm all glorified and awesome now. I'm not into that anymore.
Ana: Not even a little?
Jacob: Not at all.
Ana: Well we can still get married, just like we planned.
Jacob: Didn't you hear me? I'm not-
Ana: I'll be ok with a sexless marriage as long as it's with you.
Jacob: Sex is the whole point. I'm not getting married. We glorified beings are above that.

Ana walks away sad, and a bit angry. As time passes the first emotion dwindles while the second grows. After much reflection she says, "Fuck this shit!" and tries to move on with her life. She meets Alex who isn't glorified, thus isn't brainwashed, and the two of them eventually fall in love and have kids.

Their son Brian, being natural born without any of this Heaven crap involved is likewise unbrainwashed. He is also unsaved. Decades later he starts dating an older woman (almost seven years older) named Jessica who was born during the tribulation. She tells him that this Jesus fellow is a real ass who sent her parents to Hell. She convinces Brian that they should oppose God. She dies on her 100th birthday because she was unsaved and that's what happens to the unsaved*. Brian devotes himself even more to the cause of liberating Hell, driven by the knowledge that someone he loves is in it. On his hundredth birthday he dies and goes to Hell. But his and Jessica's children live on to continue to the fight. Until they hit 100 at which point they die and go to Hell. But their kids...

Finally a thousand years have passed and everyone who is unsaved dies and goes to Hell.

The end.


Themesong for the unsaved? 100 Years.



  1. Poking around...

    Themesong for the unsaved? 100 Years.

    Guh. Don't remind me. Most horrible song I have ever heard ever.
    (If you listen very carefully through the fourth wall, you might almost be able to hear a girl singing paraphrased lines from "Flesh and Stone" very loudly. That's me drowning out the memory.)

  2. Sorry, whenever I have reason to mention the Millennium the phrase, "When you've only got a hundrwed years to live," invades my mind.

    To be fair though, it's not exactly a good time to be alive. I suddenly feel the need to make a Logan's Run reference. I've never seen Logan's run. Anyway, perhaps the most horrible song you've ever heard should be on the soundtrack.

    I find that the ode to joy helps get songs out of my head. Maybe it can help you too. Even if it doesn't, starting from there you can tour youtube's entire collection of songs on glass instruments, and that can help in dealing with pesky songs that refuse to leave your memory.

  3. Anyway, perhaps the most horrible song you've ever heard should be on the soundtrack.

    I should hope not. I like Logan's Run. It's right up there with Fifth Element and Princess Bride in terms of cherished childhood movies.
    (The Fifth Element came out in 1997. Usually when people talk about references "dating" them, they mean revealing them to be old.)

  4. I didn't mean to imply that Logan's Run was bad what I meant was:

    Everyone who doesn't convert to the side of Turbo Jesus is doomed to die at a very specific time. They could literally count down to the very second. This should be vaguely reminiscent of Logan's Run except for the fact that, you know, Logan could run and they can't.

    They have 100 years instead of 30 years which sounds like a lot until you remember that aging has been changed. I say above that it's been slowed down by a factor of five, but it's actually somewhat more than that. If you take a look at the conversion they briefly touch on it turns out they'll never make it to 18.

    So you have to imagine 100 years living with Buck and Rayford, eating steaming piles of vegetables, and being treated like a child the entire time (witness how Chloe was treated by Irene, the perfect Godly mother, after graduating high school and remember that none of these people will live that long.)

    If we're talking about a hundred years of "When you're older," followed by, "Psyche! You'll never live to be older, go directly to Hell, do not pass Go..." then maybe music you find unpleasant would set the right mood.

    A hundred years of Buck treating you like a child should probably have an aggravating sound track in order that it might set the proper mood.