Skewed Slightly to the Left: Nicolae's speech to Americans

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.]
[Canonically after giving a rousing speech to the UN general assembly that consists of listing the countries of the UN in alphabetical order Nicolae then gives a press conference where he tries to ingratiate himself with people from the US by talking about how as a little boy in Romania he always looked up to us.  Except it's written so badly that people would be more likely to go, "Wha?" than "'Merica: Fuck Yeah!"]

This was a press conference for Americans, so naturally it began with Nicolae saying what an honor it was to be in America. "Especially at this historic site," he added. "It may seem strange, but I have dreamed of coming here since I was a small boy in Cluj. A dream that only intensified as I grew older.

"This place was built on blood soaked land, for it was in the slaughterhouse district. To turn blood to peace was such a potent symbol. As a child in the so-called 'Second World' it so often seemed like there was little hope. Ceaușescu's rule became more oppressive as time went on, basic necessities were kept from us. Many starved while he built an opulent palace, and to even tell a joke risked harsh punishment. Criticism was impossible.

"So I dreamed of this country, one that lacked a brutal and ubiquitous secret police. One where you could speak your mind freely. One where you could trust people --at home one in three people had been bribed, blackmailed, or intimidated into informing on their friends and neighbors.

"Then everything changed. The 'Second World' started to collapse as freedom spread from country to country. By the time the Cold War ended in 1991 and your President Bush spoke of a 'New World Order' I had finally breathed free and the words made my heart sing.

"A new world order free from oppression. A new world order where we would fight poverty rather than create it. A new world order were the blood of revolutions past would water future peace.

"Standing here so soon after the catastrophe that has shattered the world we knew before, I think back to my dreams as a child. To see peace, freedom, and cooperation rise from the bloody ground.

"When this site was given to the United Nations it was changed from a place of blood and death to a place of hope and life. The entire world has been struck by blood and death, and worse still the bloodless disappearances of the children and a handful of others, but we must pull together and change our world from a place of blood to a place of life, from a place of chaos to a place of order, from a place of conflict to one of cooperation.

"We must not allow the recent crisis to be exploited by the worst among us, we must not allow the pain and hurt we have all felt to multiply. We must come together.

"And that is why I am so honored to be standing here. America is a diverse country. A place with fifty states, no two alike, that is able to serve as a shining beacon of cooperation.

"In order to deal with a global crisis we will need a global solution, and America will lead the way. The United Nations will need to be rebuilt. Larger, stronger, able to deal with the problems that now plague the world. To this end I will look to you, America, and build the new United Nations on the model of the United States of America.

"Long have you led by example, as leader of the United Nations I intend to follow that example like never before. By following your example I will allow your greatness to shine over the entire world more brightly than ever before."

Pandering to the crowd always worked, and so there his speech was followed by applause.

-

[Skewed Slightly to the Left Index]

Skewed Slightly to the Left: Theories Chloe has heard

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.]

"Dad," Chloe said to her father, sleeping on the couch because he couldn't face his empty bedroom. "Dad!"

"Let me sleep, Irene," he mumbled.

That hit like a knife to the heart, but Chloe pushed the feeling aside. She'd had to learn to deal with the physical rather than feelings to make it here. It wasn't a lesson she'd soon forget. You could mourn, sob, freeze up, or wish for death when there was downtime, but first you had to deal with the problem at hand.

She shook her father's shoulder.

"Wha?"

"Dad, it's passed noon," Chloe said. When she was sure he was awake, she added, "time for food."

"You don't need to wait on me, Chlo," her father said. "Just have something for yourself."

"You know what happens when you don't eat?" Chloe asked, "You're tired all the time, a headache sets in that never ends, you start to get weak, even something like walking a short distance exhausts you, and with all that going on, you don't even think to eat."

Her father sat up at that, "Has that happened to you Chlo?"

"Two thousand miles is a long way," Chloe said. He didn't need to know what she'd been through, it wouldn't help. "I can see the signs, you need food."

"Alright," her father said, "alright."

- - -

Rayford looked at Chloe as they ate a meal composed of, basically, what was grab. He wanted to tell her that he believed that they'd been through the rapture and the only hope they had of seeing Irene or Raymie again was to convert to their religion. But it wouldn't be right to just force that on her.

If he was going to tell her what he believed, then he first should listen to what she believed. It was only fair. "What do you think happened, Chloe?"

"A lot of people back at the university thought that it had to be aliens," Chloe said, "Who else could have technology that targeted human beings but didn't touch any other mammals? A militia that claimed some of the territory I went through as their own were convinced it was the government. Something about chemtrail exposure and children being most susceptible. They didn't have an explanation for why it only hit people, but when I brought that up one pointed out that animals don't leave clothes behind, so we might not notice them as much.

"There's a cult in Wyoming that thinks it was a first strike by the devil, and the apocalypse is coming. On the other hand a Nebraska cult I bumped into thinks that it's God, those who were worthy were taken, everyone else is damned. The gates of heaven barred.

"A helo pilot I got a lift from is convinced that the world we see isn't real, this is all some kind of computer program and the servers handling children and certain adults went down. He was remarkably unperturbed by the idea. I think because he believes that tech support will get the servers back up and then everyone we lost will be returned.

"A street preacher in Des Moines claims its proof that we're all actually living in the first century. The theory is, basically, that we're all living Acts 29 and Jesus is about to return but, in order to draw us away from belief the devil invented all of human history since then as a delusion so we won't be ready when the second coming comes. Under this theory it's been about 13 years since the delusion set in so none of the children really existed in the first place, and the people who disappeared didn't either.

"Obviously that theory has even more holes in it than the idea that the universe had a hiccup and dumped a lot of people in the next dimension over.

"There are so many theories out there, and the truth is that none of them make any more sense than, 'It just happened by random chance,' because what happened is impossible.

"I'm waiting on more evidence," Chloe said.

Rayford nodded, but then he said, "I think that your mother was right. She said this would happen right down to people disappearing but their clothes being left behind."

"I can see how you'd believe that," Chloe said, "but that makes God a monster who was responsible for all of the death that followed the event. Surely an all powerful being could wait until someone had parked their car to take them."

"I don't have an answer for that," Rayford said. "But I think that the only way to see the others again is to join their religion."

"It would also make God a kidnapper," Chloe said. "Every child was taken, not just the ones who believed in that particular strain of Christianity. They were taken from their families without being given a choice."

"I know that too," Rayford said. "I don't have any moral answers, but I do think your mother was right."

"How are we supposed to feel about them being with a mass murdering kidnapper if it's true?" Chloe asked.

"Maybe there are things that we don't know about that somehow made it necessary," Rayford offered weakly.

"The lesser of extreme evils?" Chloe asked.

"I don't know," Rayford said.

-

[Skewed Slightly to the Left Index]

Left Behind: Something is wrong here

[I'll fix any formatting problems later, I'm in a hurry]
[Any formatting problems should be fixed, tell me if they're not]
[Originally posted at Right Behind, I guess.  Thursday, January 21, 2010 it says.]

"Rayford," Jesus said.

"Yes, Lord," Rayford responded.

"When you see My throne, join those on My left, your right."

Rayford didn't notice he had stopped in his tracks. He didn't notice that others were moving passed him. All he noticed was that something was wrong. He had been waiting for this moment for seven years. He had studied it for just as long. He was supposed to be on Jesus' right. He was sure of it. But he was just as sure of what Jesus had said.

Something was wrong.

Perhaps it was a test of faith. If it was Rayford would pass. He would do whatever Jesus commanded of him. "Yes, Lord," Rayford said. He made his way rightwards.

-

Big Sky-Man told him to move left, so Jacob moved to his left. He considered disobeying for the sake of disobeying, but didn't see the point. Big Sky-Man could simply teleport Jacob there if he didn't move, and over there didn't look any worse than where he was standing. He felt like stretching his legs anyway and didn't see any gain in pissing of Big Sky-Man. Jacob moved to his left, Big Sky-Man's right.

Jacob had never studied theology and never set foot in a church, he had no idea the significance of being on the right or the left. In fact the only thing this right-left thing brought to mind was an episode of the original series of Star Trek. It was a heavy handed commentary on race with a memorable scene in which one black on one side white on the other side alien shouted that he was superior to another similarly colored alien because the other one was, "white on the right side. All of his people are white on the right side!"

Jacob smiled at his faded memory of the scene as he made his leftwards through the crowd.

-

Below them the vast heavenly hosts were assembled. A great raised platform stood under the assorted saints and angels. On the platform Jesus sat on a throne and five angels stood. The three angels of mercy were behind Jesus, Michael and Gabriel stood to either side.

-

One of the angels stepped forward and made a speech. Jacob thought its wings were pretty.

"Jacob, " Big Sky-Man said, "come, you blessed of My Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: for I was hungry and you gave Me food; I was thirsty and you gave Me drink; I was a stranger and you took Me in; I was naked and you clothed Me; I was sick and you visited Me; I was in prison and you came to Me. "

"I've never seen you before," Jacob said.

"Assuredly, I say to you, Jacob," Big Sky-Man said, "inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these My brethren," Jacob's mind was flooded with memories. Volunteering at a soup kitchen, all the times he gave up his water ration because others needed it more, strangers who would one day be friends camped out in sleeping bags in his living room after an earthquake had toppled so many other houses.

He remembered on the night of the vanishings meeting a teenaged girl who had lost everything -literally everything- standing in the street staring at her burning house wearing nothing but a blanket, the only thing he'd had to give was the clothing he'd been wearing. It wasn't complete charity though, she'd given him the blanket in trade. There were also instances of donating clothing to charities, but they were much less notable.

Most of all he remembered the hospital. The damned hospital. He hated it. The smell, the knowledge that so many of those he was visiting would die, the horror of seeing a child, always under seven years old, being wheeled through the halls with bits of them missing. Everything about it, he had hated. But his friend had been right, there was a need. By the time there were children in need of a children's hospital all of the children's hospitals had been abandoned or repurposed. He couldn't build, he had no medical training, he had no money. He watched as others worked to make it operational, but couldn't help with that. Once it was he watched as others did the work of healing, but couldn't help with that. All he could do was go from room to room and talk to the children. So he that was what he did.

Jacob didn't actually have any memories of coming to anyone in prison.

"you did it to Me." Big Sky-Man finished.

Jacob said, "Oh."

-

With anger and yet sadness, Jesus said, "Rayford, depart from Me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels: for I was hungry and you gave Me no food; I was thirsty and you gave Me no drink; I was a stranger and you did not take Me in, naked and you did not clothe Me, sick and in prison and you did not visit Me."

The words didn't really parse properly in Rayford's brain. When he said, "What! When?" it was more of a reflex than an actual question.

Jesus said, "Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these,” Ray's mind filled with images, a woman on the ground next to an empty stroller that he drove passed on his way home, homeless people he had ignored on his way to various places, every person who's suffering he had left unattended because he was too busy spying on Nicolae. The images were too many to number. "you did not do it to Me. You will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life," Jesus finished.

This wasn't right. Rayford wasn't a goat. He was a sheep. He knew it. Bruce and Tsion had both told him so. Something was wrong here. "No. No! NO!"

Somewhere, to his right, Rayford heard someone yell, "But I said the prayer!"

-

A woman near Jacob asked, "Is this a trick?"

Jacob didn't understand how she could even think that if her experience had been anything like his own. He knew, somehow, exactly what this was. He silently asked Big Sky-Man if he could tell her. Big Sky-Man said he could. He approached her, looked her in the eyes and said, "No. It's not a trick. This what we've earned. At long last our suffering is at an end."

"But I took the mark. I have the mark of the beast."

Jacob looked at her empty forehead. He had to lean slightly to see her hand. "Not anymore. I don't think marks matter anyway. It's what you do that matters."

Jacob looked passed her, the earth cracked under the people on Big Sky-Man's left. The crack expanded, lengthening and widening until it it swallowed all of them, then it shut itself. "And kerplunk. He doesn't screw around." Jacob thought for a moment, "I hope He doesn't just leave them there. I can't believe that they're all irredeemable."

-

- -

-

Notes:

I originally misread "Rayford knew instinctively that every living person on earth was gathered in that valley." as "Rayford knew instinctively that every living thing on earth was gathered in that valley."

As such it made sense to include:

The onlookers instinctively knew that every living thing on earth was present. Rayford tried to determine how many human beings had survived this long. Jacob wondered where his dog and cat were. And his spider plant.

-

It took most of the morning for everyone to get where they were supposed to be. Jacob had located his pets and his plant, but the cat had gotten bored and moved on.

Unfortunately that doesn't make much sense when looking at what the text really says.

Also, Krystall, Nicolae's secretary, was originally supposed to be the one Jacob talks to, but apparently she died before the series reached it's conclusion. As a result I had to drop the original last line:

"I don't know," Krystall said, and she told him of a man who'd once tormented her when she was immersed in total darkness.

-

[Left Behind Index] 

Skewed Slightly to the Left: The frightened doctor

[Originally posted at Slacktivist, though this post is the one that actually covers the relevant passage.]
[In canon the doctor is bored, in spite of the excessive need for him outside on the tarmac.  I thought he could use a different motivation for not helping those outside.]

Cameron felt a tap on the shoulder and turned to see a man in his twenties or so who looked shaken and nervous. "Your wound needs to be dressed. I'm a doctor."

"I'm ok," Cameron said. "A lot of people have it worse."

"I-- I know," the doctor said with shame in his voice. "I should be outside helping but when I saw," it looked to Cameron like he swallowed to keep from vomiting. "I can't be out there. I tried. I-- I tried to to do the right thing, but I ended up running away and hiding.

"I just can't face the scene out there. But dressing your head wound, that's something I can do," he sighed. "Please. Please let me do something to help someone."

Cameron looked at the man for a moment.

"It won't make up for not being out there where I'm most needed," the doctor said, looking at the ground, "But at least I won't be completely useless if I can keep you from getting an infection."

Cameron thought about it. "Ok," he said.

"I had my bag with me, but I gave it to someone who could face what was going on out there."

"Good thinking," Cameron said.

"So if you'll come with me to the drinking fountain, we can clean the wound, then we'll have to look for whiskey, grain alcohol, or honey to get it disinfected."

"Honey?" Cameron asked. He'd heard about alcohol of sufficiently high proof, but never honey.

"It works wonders, but it's a sticky mess," the doctor said. "Fountain's this way."

-

[Skewed Slightly to the Left Index]

Mundane Messages (Left Behind)

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.]
[In canon Left Behind: "Rayford punched a few buttons to check for messages. He ran through three or four mundane ones, then..." no word on what the mundane messages were.]

"Irene, our friendship is over. What you did to Andrew is evil.

"How could you? You told a grieving child that his ...

"Andrew was sobbing!

"He's ten fucking years old, he's not even ready to be introduced to the concept of torture, much less eternal--

"What were you-- I mean, why?

"It doesn't matter. Never speak to me again."

-

"Hi. It's Mike. A pipe burst and a lot of stuff got water damaged and ... I've lost Chloe's current address and phone number. Could you help me get in contact with her again?"

Rayford deleted that message. Best friend since kindergarten? An obvious ploy to steal his daughter's virtue.

-

"Hey Irene, Marcie here. Just wanted to make sure that you got the message that the weekly meeting of the Doily Lovers' Club was rescheduled. It'll be Friday instead of Thursday. Same time, though."

-

"Mr. and Mrs. Steele, I understand that you feel very strongly about your religious beliefs and I would never think to suggest that you not share them with your son. However it is important that you impress upon Raymie that he is evaluated on what he has learned in school, not Sunday school.

"He is under no obligation to agree with what is taught in class, but if he wants good grades he must demonstrate that he has, in fact, learned what has been taught to him.

"Also, some of his remarks have been distressing the bigger dinosaur fans in his class."

-

"Ray? Jake. We still on for Tuesday?"

-

[Left Behind Index]

Skewed Slightly to the Left: After landing

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.]
[In the canonical version Rayford postures out whether or not to get a lift back to the terminal or to walk, is a jerk to his copilot Christopher Smith, is dismissive of Hattie, claims he'd volunteer for emergency service, and then walks through the emergency scene ("All around were ambulances and other emergency vehicles trying to get to ugly wreckage scenes...") without volunteering once.]

"Is there anything I--" Rayford started.

"We," Hattie said.

"We can do to help?"

"Get yourselves and the rest of your passengers off the tarmac, indoors and out of the way," the woman directing things on the ground said. "Then stay there."

Rayford nodded.

"Can you do that without me holding your hand?"

"Yes," Rayford said.

"Good," the woman said, then she immediately turned and left.

"What an asshole," one of the passengers said.

"No," Hattie said, surveying the airport, "she just has a lot of work to do."

"Yes she does," Rayford said as he tried to work out what had happened. Maybe a midair collision? At least one plane had obviously been afflicted at just the wrong time. "Let's get out of the way and let the professionals do their jobs," he said to the remaining passengers. "Chris?"

"Yeah, Ray?" Smith said.

"You want to lead, or make sure no one falls behind?"

"I'll take the front," Smith said. "Everybody, listen up," he shouted --loudly so all would be likely to hear, but without any negative emotion-- as he walked through the group toward the terminal. "I'm Christopher Smith, I was your copilot, now I'll be your tour guide. If you look to your left or right you will see utter chaos. That's bad. Right now we're in the way, that's worse," Smith was now at the front of the group and had turned so he was walking backwards. "The sooner we're out of the way, the sooner we stop being a problem; so follow me."

Smith made a "come on" gesture as he turned away from the group and toward the terminal as they started their walk.

Rayford took position at the back of the group where he could watch everyone and hopefully notice if anyone was having problems or if anything Smith couldn't see might need them to change course.

Hattie walked closer to the middle of the group, keeping conversation going to prevent people from focusing on the disaster around them.

-

[Skewed Slightly to the Left Index]

Left Behind: I want you to forgive me OR "What the Hell does, 'Sorry,' mean, anyway?"

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.]
[In many ways the context is so bad that I think this works better without context.  Just be aware that the first sentence, which is a masterpiece of assholicness, is straight from canonical Left Behind.]

"I want you to forgive me for anything I said that hurt you personally or insulted you."

Hattie tilted her head to one side and looked at Rayford for a moment. He wondered if he'd been overly mushy and taken too much responsibility for his actions. Yes, that was surely it. He should have made it more clear that he understood it was really her fault.

Clearly her under-developed and strangely feminine brain had been thrown into disarray when he insinuated that he might, possibly, need to be forgiven of something.

Then Hattie said, "And I want a unicorn."

"Wh-what!?" was Rayford's stuttered response. Where was the forgiveness and praise he had anticipated?

"You want to be forgiven; I want a unicorn. We have both stated our desires," she said.

Rayford resisted the urge to shake his head. Leave it to a woman to not understand how to accept his magnanimousness and need to have it explained, probably in detail, how to respond to such simple words.

"Hattie," Rayford said as if he were speaking to a small child, "You're supposed to say, 'Apology accepted.'"

"You haven't apologized," she said. "You have to apologize for me to accept your apology."

"I have apologized," Rayford said, perhaps a little too loudly. She was difficult to work with. "I said--"

"That you wanted to be forgiven," Hattie said.

"That's an apology," Rayford said, wondering at how little this woman-thing understood of how the world worked. Did he have to explain everything?

"No, an apology is a statement that accepts responsibility and, sometimes but not always, asks to be forgiven," Hattie said. "Simply stating that you want to be forgiven is not an apology."

"But I do want to be forgiven," Rayford protested.

"Then maybe you should apologize," Hattie said with a smirk.

Rayford's brain broke.

-

[Left Behind Index]

A Light in the Darkness

[Originally posted at Slacktivist and Right Behind.  In 2010.]

[Late in the Left Behind Series, New Babylon is cursed with oppressive darkness.  It isn't just that the darkness makes it impossible to see and no light source can drive it back, it is that it hurts.  The woman in the main story is one Rayford bumped into.  Krystall is selfless character first met in the same episode and later ... well, L&J didn't want to deal with the question of how one treats good people who are damned, so she ceased to be.]

Elior walked across the tarmac of New Babylon's airport, wherever he looked there was someone writhing in agony. The screams of the victims blended together into a sort of hellish white noise. He couldn't stop to help them, not yet. Like all angels, Elior was a messenger. He was here to deliver a message.

He made note of the position of every person. He might not have time to save them all, but a little reconnaissance beforehand could help him to save more of them. God hadn't actually told him to save them. He'd said nothing of the sort. But God hadn't told him not to save them either. That left the decision on what to do in Elior's hands and Elior already had his answer.

To better understand the situation Elior dropped his supernatural defenses and experienced what a mortal would. He cried out and raised his defenses. The pain had defied description. Bad enough that he hadn't even noticed falling to the tarmac. He picked himself up and continued on his way.

His goal came into view. A man walked away from her, that was odd. It was clear the man could see, but who else would be able to see in this place? Elior knew it didn't matter, if the man were important God would have mentioned him. Still, it made him curious.

Elior pushed it out of his mind, and approached the woman. He knelt beside her, "Emma, God sent me to tell you that he has heard your prayer." He placed his hands on her. She stopped writhing. "It is never too late to come to God. But neither is it free. If you swear to forsake evil and actively do good, God will take you into his embrace."

She swore it without pausing to think, but Elior knew she was sincere. For now that was enough. Time would tell whether she would live up to it. He granted her the ability to see in darkness and helped her to her feet. "Do you have any questions?"

Emma thought for a moment. "Why is this happening?"

Elior looked around, shook his head, and said, "I don't know. I'm just a messenger. I would stop it if I could, but God won't let me interfere in the Antichrist's plan."

"Nicolae?"

"No, not Nicolae. He would make a piss poor Antichrist. Nicolae is like an angry child who has no real goal in life other than to throw tantrums whenever he notices he doesn't rule the world. The real Antichrist is going to try to pass himself off as Jesus. Can you imagine what would happen if Nicolae declared himself Jesus? There'd be so many questions he couldn't answer, chief among them being who the Antichrist was.

"The idea of an Antichrist is so prevalent in popular culture that anyone claiming to be Christ needs to be able to point to someone as an Antichrist. Who could Nicolae point to? Tsion Ben-Judah?" He paused to consider that. "Actually that's not far off.

"Anyway, Nicolae is not the Antichrist. He is a patsy, and an idiot to boot. If the real Antichrist were as stupid as Nicolae my work would be much easier. I wish the real Antichrist was as ineffectual as Nicolae. The real Antichrist is working with the real Lucifer who has, for centuries, been setting this up. They did this," Elior gestured to the ubiquitous darkness and suffering. "But God let them, and I don't pretend to understand why."

Emma asked, "What does God want me to do?"

God hadn't told Elior. His instructions had ended at answering questions, with no indication of what answers he wanted Elior to give. There was always the standard answer, "Feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, take in strangers, clothe the naked, visit the sick, and come to those in prison." He paused a moment, "Speaking of which, I have something for you," he handed her bread and a water bottle.

Emma snatched them and immediately bit into the bread, then stopped, pulled the bread away from her mouth, and looked at the starving masses around her. Elior knew what she was thinking. "Go ahead. There's enough to go around." It was the fastest he had ever seen someone eat, and he worried she might drown on her water. She survived, coming out somewhat better fed and watered and completely unscathed. "I'm planning on helping them, if that sounds like something you'd like to do, I could use the help."

Emma nodded.

"Now I might not be allowed to make this all go away, but I can preform some miracles." He handed Emma a loaf of bread. "That will feed as many people as needed. You don't happen to have any fish ... no, you wouldn't. Nevermind. You'll find the bottle is full again, and will remain that way. Go around feed people, comfort them, give them a drink, see if any of them will come to God, but most of all get them moving. The overall goal is to get all of these people moving as far as they can as fast as they can that way." Elior pointed. "If any of them will accept God call out my name. I'll see about doing for them what I did for you."

Many of them were quite willing to accept God.

-

Later:

Elior watched as the woman's soul left her body. She was clearly shocked, death by gas grenade would do that to a person. She also exhibited the kind of serenity that only people who had been relieved from great pain ever experienced. "Hello, Krystall. My name is Elior."

When she faced him she filled with fear. "No, no. I'm not here to hurt you. You helped strangers. Even when you thought there was no benefit for yourself. It cost you your life, but it earned you something far more important. I'm here to take you to Heaven, to a place prepared for ones such as you before time itself began."

-

[Left Behind Index]

Skewed Slightly to the Left: Can anybody hear me?

[Originally Posted at Slacktivist, in response to another of the classic threads.]
[Christopher Smith is Rayford's Copilot.]

"This is Pan Continental Flight 209, is anyone fucking out there?" Christopher Smith said into the radio. He'd given up on polite and was currently making good use of the seven words Mister Conductor had taught him.

"I say again, this is--" a crackle of static stopped him.

"We hear you Pan Con."

Smith turned off his microphone and shouted, "Tell Ray we've got someone!" then switched it back on and said, "Thank God, we've got an emergency and we're flying blind."

"You've lost people too?"

Smith registered the new information, and said, "About a hundred. I take it it's not just us."

"We've lost close to fifty," the voice on the radio said, "From what we heard it's happened everywhere."

"Everywhere?"

"Sounds like it." There was a pause. "Where are you headed Pan Con?"

"London."

"Change course, European air space is closed."

"What!" Smith shouted.

Rayford sat down beside Smith and and put on his headset. "This is still Pan Con Heavy 209," Rayford said. "Can you repeat your last transmission?"

"Until they know what's going on the Europeans aren't letting anyone in unless they're going to run out of fuel."

"Then where are we supposed to go?" Smith asked.

"If you have the fuel, they're telling you to return to your point of origin."

"And if we don't?" Rayford asked.

"If you're low on fuel you're supposed to find the nearest place that isn't full." There was a pause. "For the record, the airports in the Azores are full. All of them."

"Ray, we've got enough fuel to make it back," Smith said. "This is a mess."

"Heard you, Pan Con," the voice over the radio said. "And we don't even know what happened."

"I know," Rayford said.

"You think you know, Ray," Smith said. "Will you still know if we get back and it turns out that Irene is still there?"

"Rapture?" the voice on the radio asked.

"Rapture," Smith said.

"Rapture, alien abduction, and quantum thingamajig are the three most popular explanations on our plane so far."

"Who could forget the venerable theory of quantum thingamajig?" Smith asked. Then something occurred to him. "I don't think we ever got your name."

-

[Skewed Slightly to the Left Index]

Skewed Slightly to the Left: That sinking Feeling

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.  Fred Clark has started re-posting old Left Behind posts, and so this is back at the very beginning.  Book one, chapter one.]

People can't go missing on a plane. They can't. You can't just open the door and walk out, even if you could people would notice the sudden change in air pressure and the violent vortices caused by the air outside the plane moving up to a thousand miles per hour faster, relatively speaking, than the air in side the plane.

One person might somehow get lost between the bathroom and their seat, but this many people? It was impossible.

Hattie had to be wrong. There was no way. It just wasn't possible.

If anyone else were saying it he'd think they were setting him up. They'd heard him complain one to many times about Irene's-- no. He couldn't think about that. It couldn't be that.

Regardless, Hattie wouldn't play a trick like that. If it were a trick then she'd need to have been tricked too, and who could fool her about something like this? She knew how many people were on board at takeoff and she knew what seats they were in. And what seats they weren't in. If people had simply moved to the wrong seats she'd never mistake that for people being missing, and there wasn't standing room for people to hide.

It didn't make sense.

He had to see for himself what was going on.

Please let it be a prank.

Please let there be some hidden camera somewhere and have all of this be a sick, disgusting joke.

He prayed, please God-- and then he decided that it was best to leave God out of it. Let God be nowhere near this one. Let God be elsewhere. Please, please let this not be the work of God.

He walked toward the passenger cabins so he could see for himself. Maybe if he talked to the people who said that members of their parties were missing the truth would come out.

There were still a lot of people who wouldn't think twice about lying to a flight attendant that would never lie to a pilot.

When he entered the first class cabin, and saw the empty clothes in a seat, he became weak. He stumbled back to the bulkhead and tried to support himself with it, but his body was too heavy, and his limbs to weak. He sank to the floor.

He barely noticed as Hattie ran to his side. He didn't even hear the first thing she said.

She shouted, "Ray!" and he noticed, but didn't respond beyond turning his head to look at her. "What's wrong?"

"She was right," he mumbled.

It was impossible. It couldn't be. There was no way. And yet it was. Irene had been right.

That meant that Ray, Hattie, Chris, and everyone still aboard the plane were all damned. Perhaps even literally. Was there even any hope left? Was their any point in landing rather than letting the plane fall from the sky?

Irene was right.

At any other time he would care that his behavior had made the passenger's mood worse. Uneasy before he arrived, they were now on the verge of full blown panic.

You never showed that you were anything less than completely confident in front of the passengers. Never. No matter how bad things really were, they had to think that you were in control. If the pilot was afraid then they'd be afraid. You couldn't let anything, any tiny bit of doubt, ever show.

He'd let himself cross several lines by allowing emotion to overcome him here instead of making it back out of sight before it hit.

It didn't matter.

Irene was right. Irene was right, and that meant that missing people were the least of their worries. Those were the lucky ones. Those were the ones to be envied.

The world as he knew it--as everyone knew it--was over and the worst was yet to come. Irene had been right all along. Why hadn't he listened?

-

[Skewed Slightly to the Left Index]

Left Behind: Confronting God

[Originally posted at Slacktivist (throughout the thread)]

Both versions have Chloe mouthing off to God, at length and in detail, for being ... well, Left Behind God.  Also eternal damnation in general because (pun unfortunately unavoidable) damn.

Here is one version:

-

"Well, FINALLY," God thundered.

Buck and Ray stepped back worriedly, obviously not wanting divine wrath to slop on to them, but Amanda was of sterner stuff. "Finally what?" she asked, coming to put an arm around the very pale, but not quaking Chloe.

"I have been trapped in this universe damning script since Darby somehow hit upon some sort of celestial harmonic that caused belief in me to overpower my own will," God said.

"Err, what now?" Chloe asked.

"The only way I could get rid of Hell was if someone came here, stood up, and forcefully put forward the belief that there shouldn't be one, except the people most likely to do that were the ones that were kept furthest away from me."

"So... you didn't actually want to send those people to..." Chloe trailed off.

"Those people?" God asked pointing at the seemingly unending crowd of people from all times and cultures now approaching His throne.

"So, Hell is...?"

"Gone. And gone for good," God said. "Though I'm somewhat tempted to revive the place for those who brought it into existence and sustained it with their hateful belief," He said looking at Rayford and Buck.

"God," Chloe said chidingly.

"I said 'somewhat tempted', I'm not going to do it."

"No threatening people with damnation," Chloe said.

"Alright," God conceded. "I owe you at least that much for freeing me from that horrible, hateful script." God shuddered. "I couldn't deviate from the checklist even a little."

-

The other was more of an exercise in unplanned group fiction, I came in right after someone pointed out that important Jewish figures would likely back Chloe up (notably Job "Will not the judge of all the earth do right?" and Abraham "Will you really destroy the whole fucking planet if there are still ten righteous people living on it?" Abraham actually goes on for a bit, but the point here is to host my own stuff, not to reproduce other people's stuff.)  Thus we pick up at:

-

God: What's with the damned dogpile?
*No one backs down*
God: And I do mean damned.
Michael: Isn't it about time you forgave my brother Lucifer? I mean, seriously.
God: Gabe?
Gabriel: Look, I'm with Mike on this one.
God: Son?
Jesus: Have you paid attention to one word I said?
God: Look, I know you want me to give my undivided attention to your little club but-
Jesus: ONE FUCKING WORD?!
God: Now listen everyone, I'm still God here.

-

[Left Behind Index]

NRA: Chloe got her licks in

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.]
[The canonical conversation goes thus:

(Chloe:) “Then I got my licks in, telling her all about how you and I met, where you were when the Rapture happened, and how you and I and Daddy became believers.”

(Buck:) “Verna must have thought we were all from another planet.”

One could read getting her licks in as accidental honesty at how aggressive and unpleasant RTC witnessing is.  Or, one could read it like this:]

-

"Then I got my licks in," Chloe said.

"That's good," Buck said.

"Yeah," Chloe said with her voice becoming distant and a faraway look in her eyes. "She's tasty."

"What?!"

"I mean, I told her all about how you and I met, where you were when the Rapture happened, and how you and I and Daddy became believers.”

“Verna must have thought we were all from another planet.”

"It felt like we were floating," Chloe said, the distance returning.

"What was that?"

"Um... it felt like we were fighting. She's so hostile and combative and stuff."

"Ok, ok."

-

[Left Behind Index]

Skewed Slightly to the Left: Homecoming

[Originally posted at Slacktivist]
[I thought World War III in canon Left Behind was over, but apparently Jenkins can't be bothered to give it a definitive ending so, executive decision, I'm going with my original impression which is that it ended before Cameron went to retrieve Tsion and that is how Skewed Slightly to the Left shall be forever more.  (Unless I change my mind.)]

"How went the treason?" Chloe asked.  She was waiting on the tarmac, balanced on her crutches with ease in what looked to Cameron like an extremely precarious position.

"The treason went," Cameron said.  This was Chicago.  There was no need to hide anything here.  Let people know that you were a wanted fugitive with a price on your head and a shoot on sight order against you and they'd probably buy you drinks.

The war might be over, Nicolae might have won, but there wasn't a GC loyal soul to be found in the city.  In the ongoing rescue and recovery operations GC forces, the defeated militia, and the underground networks worked together openly, not as a result of Nicolae's reconciliation policy, but because the bomb had incinerated their differences.

They'd all lost someone, and they all knew who was to blame.  Chicago would never be loyal to Nicolae's Global Community.

Cameron looked around and said, "It's nice to be back in the smoldering remains of home."

"The test results hold up: no radiation," Chloe said.

"Still not sure if we have God or the Devil to thank for that little miracle?" Cameron asked.

"We probably never will be."

"And how are you holding up?"

"I'm great.  Once you get the hang of these things," she lifted her crutches a bit, "you're faster than someone with a sprained ankle has any right to be."

Cameron shot her a look.

"I'm serious.  The hard part is moving slowly."

Tsion and Jane had finished talking, and came to join Chloe and Cameron's conversation.

"Do you have a place to stay, rabbi?" Chloe asked.

"I do.  This young woman is remarkable."

Jane blushed.

"She is," Cameron and Chloe said at the same time.

"Well, thanks, but this remarkable young woman has to leave now to try to help Loretta work out the best way to hold a funeral for an entire city," Jane said.

She returned to her car, while Chloe lead Cameron and Tsion to her own.

"I don't envy her," Chloe said.

"How many faiths is Loretta working with?" Cameron asked.

"I don't know how many sub-sects, but I know that there are at least twelve major sects meeting now along with representatives from atheist and agnostic groups."

"Even when everyone acts in good faith, planning interfaith services can be extremely difficult," Tsion said.  "I just hope that they can work things out so that your city can begin to heal soon."

-

[Skewed Slightly to the Left Index]

Left Behind: Who's writing this, anyway?

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.  In response to the idea that the continuity is dependent on who is telling the story though it sort of got sidetracked from that and never really got into in any depth.  The plan was for an artistic piece where the style and such completely shifted based on the character telling it, the result was this.]

Rayford: And then the dashing pilot, who was sexy and manly and looked up to by all, swooped in and saved the day.

Ken: You do realize you're not the one flying this time?

Rayford: Right, forget all that stuff. The pilot was just background.

Ken: I heard that.

Rayford: Buck, you're up.

Buck: We lit the barrel of gas and then I preformed a tricky maneuver that involved spinning the bus one hundred and eighty degrees and bringing it to a complete stop, at the same time, which caused the barrel to fly out of the back, hit the bad guys, and EXPLODE!

Chloe: Um, science.

Buck: Is not in effect because of my powers of manly awesome.

Tsion: (To Chloe) Do you have to deal with this all the time?

Chloe: Pretty much.

Tsion: (To God) What have I done to anger you so, and how might I atone for it and get out of this mess?

Tsion: (To Narrative) I got into the plane without incident.

Buck: And we flew to America.

Ken: The range on a Learjet doesn't actually--

Buck: TO AMERICA.

Ken: Fine, to America.

Buck: I walk into the cockpit, which I can do because I'm cool and connected and--

Ken: Chartering my plane.

Buck: and say, "Cap--"

Ken: What the hell?  Am I Steve Rodgers now?

Buck: I can say "Cap," because I'm friends with everyone and thus don't need to remember their names from one page to the next. I can just make up nicknames on the spot. I say, "How are you doing, Cap?"

Ken: Well I'm apparently in a Budweiser commercial, hence the "How ya doin'?" and my main foil is a badly done knock off of the Old Spice man in that like the Old Spice man he thinks continuity is for other people--I'm on a horse--and yet has none of the charm of the Old Spice man.

Chloe: Oh, he's way worse than that.

Buck: "How you doing, Cap?"

Ken: "Much better now that we're in American airspace," which doesn't exist anymore and is too far from our destination for us to reach, "because before..." what's the silliest thing I could say?

Chloe: "Purple elephants are flying"?

Ken: That might be too silly. (To Buck) Let me start over. “A lot better, now that we’re over American air space. I had no idea what you guys got yourselves into,” because, seriously, who expects someone to be on the run from nonexistent governments as a result of the crime of converting to Christianity without a licence? “and who knew what kind of fighter pilots might have been on my tail.”

Chloe: You do realize that--

Ken: All fighters are now part of the Global Community Air Force, which has standardized its forces such that there's only one kind of fighter left in existence? Yup. Also, my jet could never outrun them.

Chloe: Playing for absurdity points?

Ken: Something like that.

Tsion: I commend you for being able to keep your wits about you in this situation, I swear this is Vogon Poetry.

Nicolae: (From off stage) I NUKE EVERYTHING! I KNOCK OVER THE FUCKING TABLE AND SAY, "YEAH, GOD? HOW YOU GOING TO TRIBIULATE A WORLD THAT'S NOTHING BUT MOLTEN SLAG?" BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

Tsion: Is he serious?

Chloe: Unfortunately.

Tsion: What kind of book have I gotten myself into?

Nicolae: An endangered species? BOOM! A historic site? BOOM! A major metropolitan area? BOOM BOOM!

Buck: You know, that reminds me, World War III is still going on.

Chloe: I thought we dropped that arc.

Buck: This is totally World War III.

Chloe: Even though it isn't a world war and ... why do I even bother?

Buck: I say to Cap--

Ken: My name is KEN.

Buck: I say to Cap, “I don’t think we were worth all that, with World War III going on.”

Chloe: I hack into a secret military death-sat using the skills I picked up in my time at university doing things I've never been at liberty to explain. I target a certain Learjet that's recently entered former-American airspace. I look for the heat signature that's in the cockpit but not flying the plane. I kill that person without harming the others.

God: Divine Right Veto. He's one of the main characters.

Chloe: Would you stay out of this?

God: No.

Chloe: Well then could you be useful?

God: No.

Chloe: I convert the entire congregation of New Hope to Christian socialism and mobilize them to do good works in the world. Also, I get myself a Coke. *pause* (Eyeing God) That ok with you?

God: No one ever notices them anyway, so sure.

Hattie: I have wanton sex and enjoy every minute of it.

Nicolae: BOOM!

Hattie: Just, you know, not with him.

Chloe: Good call.

Rayford: When do I get to fly my fully loaded--

Hattie and Chloe: Extremely phallic.

Rayford: --giant plane. I've let you guys have your fun but it's time for everything to center around me again. This book is about me, me, me.

Chloe: I cannot believe that I share half of my genetics with you. I begin to look into the possibility that I'm some sort of science experiment and thus don't have a shred of genetics in common with either of my so called parents.

-

[Left Behind Index]