[Clearly Twilight is in need of more
snarking and perhaps it might cheer me up, so Bella be my guide and
we'll see where this goes. Bella, what part of your story should we
be looking at?]
Bella: Well the whole thing is pretty
bad. I suppose we could start with the start.
[That's a good idea, but which start?
The start or the start or the start?]
Bella: I'd say the first start.
[In that case we need God in here.]
*God enters*
God: What will you be needing?
[You to repeat yourself.]
Bella: Genesis 2:17.
God: What version?
Bella: King James.
*God pulls out a King James Bible and
reading glasses.*
God: But of the tree of the knowledge
of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou
eatest thereof, thou shalt surely die.
Bella: I call bullshit.
God: [Offers Bella the book] That's
what it says, you can check for yourself.
Bella: First off, Adam didn't die on
the day that he ate the fruit.
God: It was a-
Bella: Second, the reason for the
quote, and the apple on the cover, is that my story is supposed to be
the story of eating just such a fruit, but that would mean that I was
in Eden when in reality I will have been in Forks when this
whole thing comes to pass. Forks is not Eden. I've been ripped off!
God: Why are you yelling at me?
Bella: Because I've been cheated. I
didn't get a chance to eat of the fruit of life and become like unto
a God, I didn't get to live in a paradisaical garden, I didn't get to
meet a talking snake, I didn't get knowledge of good and evil, I was
never offered a fruit basket, I did not set foot in a prelapsarian
world, all I got was Edward Fracking Cullen. I've been ripped off.*
God: Yeah, but that's not my fault. I
didn't write the book.
Bella: Well can't you do something
about it?
God: No more than you.
Bella: Wait... what can I do?
God: Be yourself.
-
* Manuscript e sharply diverges from
other traditions here, instead ending the section as follows:
Bella: Because I've been cheated. I
didn't get a chance to eat of the fruit of life and become like unto
a God, I didn't get to live in a paradisaical garden, I didn't even
get to meet a talking snake.
[What about Jessica?]
Jessica: What are you accusing me of?
I never tried to tempt Bella. You can't blame her involvement with
the Cullens on me.
God: He's talking about you being a
lizard person.
Jessica: Oh. Ok.
*pause*
Jessica: Wait! I'm a mammal. Look at
my curly hair.
Bella: Yes, it's very pretty.
Besides, anyone with limbs can't be a snake regardless of whether or
not they're reptilian.
God: Can I go now?
Bella: If I ate from the fruit, why
didn't I get some kind of knowledge of good and evil?
God: Pop quiz: Two people want to get
married because they love each other and want to spend the rest of
their lives together. They're both adults of sound mind. Neither
one is hiding existing relationships from the other. There is
complete consent. They are not closely related. Should they be
allowed to marry?
Bella: Sure.
God: Don't you want to know about their
race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, or political views before
you answer?
Bella: No.
God: Your knowledge of good and evil is
fine.
Jessica: That was the most blatant
insertion of an author's political views I've seen since... never
mind. I just remembered what series I'm from.
-
Bella: Wait...What can I do?
ReplyDeleteGod: Be yourself
Better moral in those 9 words than in all of the Twilight Saga, imho