[Clearly Twilight is in need of more snarking and perhaps it might cheer me up, so Bella be my guide and we'll see where this goes. Bella, what part of your story should we be looking at?]
Bella: Well the whole thing is pretty bad. I suppose we could start with the start.
[That's a good idea, but which start? The start or the start or the start?]
Bella: I'd say the first start.
[In that case we need God in here.]
God: What will you be needing?
[You to repeat yourself.]
Bella: Genesis 2:17.
God: What version?
Bella: King James.
*God pulls out a King James Bible and reading glasses.*
God: But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof, thou shalt surely die.
Bella: I call bullshit.
God: [Offers Bella the book] That's what it says, you can check for yourself.
Bella: First off, Adam didn't die on the day that he ate the fruit.
God: It was a-
Bella: Second, the reason for the quote, and the apple on the cover, is that my story is supposed to be the story of eating just such a fruit, but that would mean that I was in Eden when in reality I will have been in Forks when this whole thing comes to pass. Forks is not Eden. I've been ripped off!
God: Why are you yelling at me?
Bella: Because I've been cheated. I didn't get a chance to eat of the fruit of life and become like unto a God, I didn't get to live in a paradisaical garden, I didn't get to meet a talking snake, I didn't get knowledge of good and evil, I was never offered a fruit basket, I did not set foot in a prelapsarian world, all I got was Edward Fracking Cullen. I've been ripped off.*
God: Yeah, but that's not my fault. I didn't write the book.
Bella: Well can't you do something about it?
God: No more than you.
Bella: Wait... what can I do?
God: Be yourself.
* Manuscript e sharply diverges from other traditions here, instead ending the section as follows:
Bella: Because I've been cheated. I didn't get a chance to eat of the fruit of life and become like unto a God, I didn't get to live in a paradisaical garden, I didn't even get to meet a talking snake.
[What about Jessica?]
Jessica: What are you accusing me of? I never tried to tempt Bella. You can't blame her involvement with the Cullens on me.
God: He's talking about you being a lizard person.
Jessica: Oh. Ok.
Jessica: Wait! I'm a mammal. Look at my curly hair.
Bella: Yes, it's very pretty. Besides, anyone with limbs can't be a snake regardless of whether or not they're reptilian.
God: Can I go now?
Bella: If I ate from the fruit, why didn't I get some kind of knowledge of good and evil?
God: Pop quiz: Two people want to get married because they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together. They're both adults of sound mind. Neither one is hiding existing relationships from the other. There is complete consent. They are not closely related. Should they be allowed to marry?
God: Don't you want to know about their race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, or political views before you answer?
God: Your knowledge of good and evil is fine.
Jessica: That was the most blatant insertion of an author's political views I've seen since... never mind. I just remembered what series I'm from.