[Did you know that it's apparently been three months since I did a present tense Snarky Twilight thing? Far too long.]
[As a reminder, bold is original dialog, or, for actions, unembelished description using as close to the original words as possible.]
Bella: You seem more . . . optimistic than usual. I haven't seen you like this before.
Edward: Isn’t it supposed to be like this? *smiles* The glory of first love, and all that. It’s incredible, isn’t it, the difference between reading about something, seeing it in the pictures, and experiencing it?
Bella: I was referring to you not running away after I threatened to kill you, but as to your questions: Never been in love, wouldn't know. How it's supposed to be I also wouldn't know because I'm not a mind reader who's been around for decades compiling, even if unwittingly, a database of what first love is like. I'd have to find such a person and ask them, I wonder where one might be...
Edward: I'm going to ignore you and keep up with my lines.
Bella: Suits me, just do it quickly and then get out.
Edward: For example, the emotion of jealousy. I've read about it a thousand times seen actors portray it in a thousand different plays and movies.
Bella: Experienced it vicariously by reading a thousand different minds.
Edward: Let me finish.
Bella: And I thought it was "pictures", not "movies". Next it'll by "talkies".
Bella: And when you say "a thousand" is it precisely a thousand of each, or one thousand two hundred twenty four there, nine hundred eighty six here?
Edward: Shut Up!
Charlie: Bells, I heard shouting.
Bella: It's just a vampire, I'll be fine.
Edward: He's not supposed to know I'm here.
Charlie: You sure?
Charlie: I'll be checking to make sure you're sleeping well in in three pages.
Bella: I won't be.
Charlie: See you then.
Edward: Can I finish now?
Bella: Will you refrain from bothering my dad with your shouting?
Edward: I only shouted because... fuck it. (quickly, as someone who is afraid they won't have time to finish.) Jealousy. I believed I understood that one pretty clearly. But it shocked me . . . *grimace* Do you remember the day that Mike asked you to the dance?
Bella: When you were obviously eavesdropping? Yeah. As I recall you started talking to me again when that very class ended.
Edward: I was surprised by the flare of resentment, almost fury, that I felt -- I didn't recognize what it was at first.
Bella: But now you see it as a sign of a controlling attitude and are going to a therapist to get help.
Edward: I was even more aggravated than usual that I didn't know what you were thinking, why you refused him.
Bella: It's none of your business at all, but I'll indulge you: I did not want to go to the dance.
Edward: You're not supposed to interrupt. This is a monologue.
Bella: That goes on for almost exactly a page. It's too long to listen to you drone without a break.
Edward: Anyway: Was it it simply for your friend's sake? Was there someone else? I knew I had no right to care either way.
Edward: I tried not to care.
Edward: And then the line started forming.
Edward: I waited, unreasonably anxious to hear what you would say to them, to watch your expressions.
Edward: I couldn't--
Bella: Wait. How is this in any way trying not to care? It doesn't sound like you were trying at all.
*Edward ignores her and restarts his sentence*
Edward:I couldn't deny the relief I felt, watching the annoyance on your face.
Bella: Ass-Hole. Seriously, me annoyed makes you relieved? How fucked up can you be?
Bella: And I note that even after I was annoyed at being asked out twice you forced me to be asked out a third time by starting a traffic jam. And then asked if you could go to Seattle with me in a way that seemed like you were asking me out for time number four.
Edward: I really don't--
Bella: And do you also remember me talking about rail spikes that day?
Bella: Look on the desk over there.
*Bella points to a rail spike*
Edward: Moving on.
Bella: Oh do please.
Edward: That was the first night I came here.
Bella: I am totally getting bear traps.
Edward: I wrestled all night, while watching you sleep, with the chasm between what I knew was right, moral, ethical, and what I wanted.
Bella: Like wanting to invade someone's bedroom and knowing that's a serious violation?
Edward: No, not that.
Bella: Also you can't really wrestle with a chasm. Your metaphor is a chimera.
Edward: (In the tone of someone insisting things get back on topic) I knew that if I continued to ignore you as I should, or if I left for a few years, till you were gone, that someday you would say yes to Mike, or someone like him. It made me angry.
Bella: There are not words to describe how fucked up that is. I shall not even try.
Edward: And then, as you were sleeping, you said my name.
Bella: Did I indeed?
Edward: You spoke so clearly, at first I thought you’d woken. But you rolled over restlessly and mumbled my name once more, and sighed.
Bella: Was it a sigh of, "Damn is it going to be hard to come up with a way to kill him"-ness?
Edward: No. It wasn't. Damn it, this is romantic.
Bella: (sarcasm on full) If you say so.
Edward: The feeling that coursed through me then was unnerving, staggering.
Bella: So I'm not the only one who has the freakish reaction to hearing your name.
Edward: And I knew I couldn’t ignore you any longer.
*a moment's silence*
Edward: But jealousy . . . it's such a strange thing. So much more powerful than I would have thought.
Bella: So when I tell you I'm thinking of asking out Jessica...
Edward: You Wouldn't! You Can't!
Bella: (calmly) I'm not.
Charlie: Bells, I heard more shouting.
Bella: Still a vampire, no need for concern.
Charlie: See you in two pages.
Bella: (to Edward) I'm not interested and Jessica already has two suitors that I know of. Three if you count Mike, but who would?
Edward: Mike! Exactly, Mike. That can get us back on topic. So, Jealousy: strange, powerful. And irrational! Just now, when Charlie asked you about that vile Mike Newton *shakes head angrily*
Bella: Mike is you with less potency. If he's vile, and he certainly is more often than not, think about what that makes you.
Edward: Can we change the topic?
Bella: Ok. I should have known you'd be listening.
Edward: Of course.
Bella: Because it is blatantly obvious that the expectation of privacy in a conversation with my father in our own house is completely irrational. You, the stalker, are like a force of nature such that when you do something awful the only response can be, 'Of course.'
Edward: It's ROMANTIC.
Bella: It's ILLEGAL.
Bella: My dad asking me if I was interested in someone you know for a fact I'm not interested in,That made you feel jealous, though, really?
Edward:I'm new at this; your resurrecting the human in me--
Bella: Only if "human" has been redefined to mean "creepy ass".