Saturday, December 22, 2012

Snarky Twilight: Vampires Sparkle

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Rambings.]

*Edward and Bella reach the meadow*
Bella: Oh, I like this. It's small enough to be cozy and big enough to stretch out. It is *pulls a device from her pocket, uses it to scan the meadow* perfectly round assuming that we count the border as where the ferns are rooted in the ground, extrapolate the boarder from those points using a smooth curve, and assume a million decimal places is precision enough.
*Bella turns to Edward*
Bella: I checked that by dividing the diameter by the circumference and comparing the result to one over pi. Normally you'd do the division the other way, but I finished it before I realized it was backwards and one over whatever is the mathematical equivalent of "Strike that, reverse it," when you're dealing with multiplication or division.
Bella: Not that you care. Returning to the meadow now.
*walks to the center*
Bella: It's interesting, the day is clear enough for there to be a shadow, but there's just enough mist to give this place a sort of glow as it scatters the sunlight. Though why that glow is the color of butter is somewhat lost on me. Outside of rise and set sunlight tends to give things a white glow in my experience. Maybe it's just bad writing, regardless, I like it.
Bella: It gives a sort of mystical mythical quality to the whole thing.
Bella: The grass looks soft.
*Bella sits down and begins untying her shoes*
Bella: I think I'll go barefoot.
*removes her shoes, then socks, carefully folds her socks, places them in her shoes, and then puts the shoes neatly side by side*
Bella: *on the ground, surveying the site from a different angle* I like the flowers too. Violet's a good color, yellow's not bad, and the soft white makes a nice contrast to the strangely gilded air which I swear, given the time of day and amount of atmosphere and whatnot should itself be soft white instead of golden butter colored.
*Bella turns to where she expects Edward to be, he isn't there*
Bella: And best of all there's no Edward. I could stay here all week.
Edward: You're supposed to be alarmed by my absence.
Bella *casually as she examines a flower* Oh, yes. I am filled with alarm. Great alarm. Code red. Red alert. Defcon 2 and one moment away from global thermal nuclear annihilation. I'm about to wheel out Dr. Strangelove to get advice on what to do in the face of a doomsday device going off. Ring out the church bells in panic, sound the air raid sirens, alarm has filled me.
Edward: Very funny.
Bella: Did I mention to pull the fire alarm?
Edward: No, but-
Bella: What about the smoke-
Edward: Can we just get on with it?
Bella: Carbon Monoxide alarm?
Edward: Are you finished yet?
*Bella turns her attention to another flower*
Bella: I suppose.
Bella: Where are you?
Edward: Still under the dense shade of the canopy at the edge of the hollow, watching you with cautious eyes.
Bella: Well are you going to show me the vampire sunlight connection?
Edward: You're supposed to encourage me and beckon.
Bella: (sarcastic )Yeah, that'll happen.
*Edward takes a deep breath and then steps out into the bright glow of the midday sun*
Edward: Well, aren't you at least going to look at me?
Bella: (sounding tired, somewhat annoyed) Oh... right.
*Bella looks at Edward*
Bella: It's a good thing I brought my sunglasses.
*Bella puts on sunglasses*
Edward: Well...?
Bella: Remember the Bond film with Jinx in it?
Edward: Maybe.
Bella: Remember the head henchman who had diamonds stuck in his face because a bomb went off in a briefcase full of diamonds he was examining?
Edward: Is this going somewhere?
Bella: You look like him if the accident had been much, much more severe.


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