Thursday, December 6, 2012

Snarky Twilight: On the Road

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]
[The deal in question, by the way, was that Bella would get to drive.]

Bella: We made a deal.
Edward: How could I forget? You made me sign a contract.
Bella: It's not as if I don't have good reason to doubt.
Edward: In triplicate.
Bella: It would have been in blood if yours weren't so flammable. Don't want it burning up.
Edward: On three separate copies.
Bella: For a total of nine signing spaces, I remember.
Edward: Using every name I've ever used.
Bella: Now, now. Just every name you've ever used in a legally binding way.
Edward: And swear an oath upon the waters of the river Styx.
Bella: Due diligence.
Edward: Where did you get the waters of the river Styx?
Bella: From the river Styx.
Edward: But that's in the underworld.
Bella: So it would have been pretty silly of me to not get a bottle of it while I was there. *pause* I mean, how often are you in the underworld?
Edward: Most people not that much, at least not until they're not coming back. Let's get this over with.
*Bella climbs into the driver's seat, reaches over to unlock the other door. Edward mumbles something about hating being a passenger.*
Bella: Where to?
Edward: Put your seat belt on — I’m nervous already.
Bella: First, that's not an answer to the question, second, I always buckle. I was buckled before you finished telling me where to put my seat belt. Now answer the question.
Edward: Take the 101 north.
Bella: Still not an answer to the question.
*The truck roars to life and they begin to move*
Edward: Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?
Bella: This truck was ruling the road when the designer of your dinky car was still in diapers.
Edward: Why did you suddenly have a pseudo-Scottish accent at the end of that?
*Bella smiles*
Edward: You're quoting Star Trek, aren't you?
Bella: Any respectable vampire who had lived through 1992 would know the episode instantly, more so if they lived through the sixties. Triply so if they'd lived through the rebroadcast in syndication in the 1970s. Were you asleep from World War One to this year?
Edward: The one with whatshisname in-
Bella: Scotty. *beat* His name was Scotty. More properly Montgomery Scott portrayed by James Doohan.
Bella: And the point is this: Respect the truck.
Edward: Yeah, yeah.
Bella: This truck could have you there by yesterday if you'd tell me where we're going.
Edward: Turn right on the 110.
Bella: Still not an answer.
*Truck makes the turn*
Edward: Now we go until the pavement ends.
Bella: And what's where the sidewalk- sorry, pavement- ends?
Edward: A trail.
Bella: We're hiking?
Edward: Is that a problem?
Bella: Depends on the page number.
Edward: Your disability.
Bella: *affecting a male voice with an accent not her own* It just came again! Pop! It comes and goes like magic!
Bella: *a imitating a second male voice with a not her own accent* I’ll tell you our trouble mate; we’re too sober by half! Come on, I will have that drink! I think I’ll just -
Bella first voice: Christ, it’s gone again!
Bella second voice: What is it?! Some kind of deputation from Galactic Alcoholics Anonymous?!
Bella first voice: Whadda you mean by that?
Bella second voice: Well haven’t you noticed? Every time I put down the bottle it appears. And every time I pick it up again it disappears. Look! Look! I put it down… *beat* …there it is.
Bella First voice: It’s back again.
Bella second voice: I pick it up… *beat* …and poof!
Bella first voice: It’s gone.
Bella second voice: Here.
Bella first voice: Gone.
Bella second voice: Here.
Bella first voice: Gone.
Bella second voice: See? It works.
Bella first voice: But that’s mad.
Bella second voice: Well mad it may be mate, but I’ll tell you one thing, I’m not touching another drop of your filthy elderflower stuff ‘til we’re safely out of this solar system….
Edward: Finished?
Bella: For now.
Edward: You were quoting again.
Bella: Do you know what?
Bella: And you slept through Christmas Eve 1978 as well. Is there any part of history you were awake for?
Edward:*in topic changing tones* Don’t worry, it’s only five miles or so, and we’re in no hurry.
Bella: What happened to "Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?"?
Edward: We did.
Bella: Bastard.
Edward: What are you thinking?
Bella: Just wondering where we're going, you question not answering jerk.
Edward: It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice.
*both look at the thinning clouds*
Bella: Which tells me what but not where.
Edward: Did you want GPS coordinates?
Bella: That would do, or six points in space plus the point of origin.
Edward: Stargate.
Bella: That's still on the air today, you get no credit for calling that one.
Edward: Whatever.
*Bella returns her attention to the weather*
Bella: Charlie said it would be warm today.
*They reach the end of the road*
*Bella gets out, finds it is indeed warm, takes off her top layer and ties it around her waist*
*A door slams, given the amount of doors in the area, it isn't hard to figure out which door or who is doing the slamming*
Bella *while spining around* Hey! *pointing with a whole arm and glaring* Respect the truck!
Edward: This way.
Bella: That's not where the trail is.
Edward: I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it.
Bella: So you're not a liar, just an asshole. *to herself* No trail.
Edward: I won't let you get lost.
Bella: It's not getting lost I worry about.
*Bella notices that Edward is wearing his shirt unbuttoned so he can show off his marble chest and abs, she ignores this*
Edward: Do you want to go home?
Bella: I haven't put up with you for this long just to turn around and go home.
*Bella looks at the lack of trail ahead*
Edward *his voice gentle for a change* What's wrong?
Bella: And you've forgotten my disability again.


  1. Oh, man. Why does she even bother?

    1. Good question.

      Because she's friends with Alice, maybe? Not really a sufficient explanation.

      Because the book is her home and she's not going to abandon it to be ruled by the likes of Edward?

      If I come up with a good explanation I'll let you know.

    2. Oh, I think your second one hits it on the nose. Maybe it's not much of a book, but it's where she came from - and there are other people in it, and they don't deserve to be toys of the narrator either.

  2. I love these so much.