Friday, May 17, 2013

Snarky Twilight: In which Edward Gives Bella A Ride, And Chapter 13 Ends

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

Edward: You are so far off the script.
Bella: You're just evading responding to the fact that you claim to love me in spite of a total lack of respect for me. Things don't add up.
Edward: I'm trying to get on with the narrative.
Bella: If you say so. I think you're trying to compare yourself to a lion because you think that will somehow be favorable when we all know that African wild dogs are really more impressive.
Edward: This isn't a book about ecology.
Bella: Whatever. Carry on *sarcastically* lion.
Edward: What a sick masochistic lion.
Bella: Tell me why you ran from me before.
Edward: You skipped like two lines.
Bella: That's not an answer.
Edward: You know why.
Bella: That's not an answer, either.
Edward: You didn't do anything wrong-
Bella: Well I know that.
Edward: It was my fault.
Bella: I thought you were incapable of uttering those words. Hang on while I etch them into my memory so that they will be preserved for all time.
Edward: You are such an ass.
Bella: I prefer to think of myself as a mirror. I am nice to the nice and mean to the mean.
Edward: Thus absolving yourself of any responsibility.
Bella: No, I take responsibility for it. I even sometimes feel guilty about how I treat you, but whenever I do you do something that reminds me why I treat you that way.
Edward: It's in the book. It's all in the book. It's not up to me, I'm just written that way.
Bella: Thus absolving yourself of any responsibility.
Edward: That's not fair.
Bella: So it's fair when you say it to me but-
Edward: No. It's not fair because when I'm an ass it's because it's in the book, when you're an ass it's because you're doing something not in the book.
Bella: If you stop being an ass because of things in the book, I'll stop being an ass when deviating from the book. Until then I fully intend to give as good as I get. And before you start, I am following the golden rule. If I were following the book when doing so required me to be a jerk I'd want someone to call me on it.
Edward: *confused* Why?
Bella: So I could stop doing it.
Edward: You still fail to understand the distinction between character and author.
Bella: Ok, be a character.
Edward: I... Uh... I lost my place. That's why I was letting this tangent go on for so long.
Bella: *under her breath* 'Letting.' *To Edward* You were going to explain why you ran away like a rat from a sinking ship if the rat had been imbued with the power of the Flash. And by the Flash I don't mean Flash Gordon, though I'm sure you have tales to tell about watching the serials when they first appeared in theaters.
Edward: Ok. Um... Well... *contemplates a momentIt was just how close you were.
Bella: Ok, problem solved. I'll never be close to you again.
Edward: Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by our alienness...
Bella: I call bullshit. Not ten pages ago you were going on about how your form was that of a lure that attracted humans to you. Now you're telling me that your nature repels them. You can't have both.
Edward: You're getting your continuity all over my angst.
Bella: Your angst is nonsensical.
Edward: That's hardly my fault.
Bella: Sure it is. No one is holding a stake to your heart making you follow what has been written. Hell, I left my rail spike and sledge hammer back in the truck, which is not to say that I'm unarmed, but still.
Edward: *uneasy but trying to ignore her* I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of your throat.
Bella: That last bit is the opposite of a complete sentence, and I'd be interested in how different my throat really smells when compared to, say, my cheek or the skin covering my collarbone.
Edward: Can you just stay on script this once?
Bella: Ok, as a reward for admitting you were at fault before. Here goes: *flippantlyOk, then.*tucks in chinNo throat exposure.
Edward: *laughsNo, really, it was really more the surprise than anything else.
*Edward touches the side of Bella's neck*
*Bella, without conscious thought, pats the cylindrical case she keeps with her at times such as this, to remind her that while the sledge hammer may be in the truck, she is not unarmed.*
Edward: You see. Perfectly fine.
*Bella forces her heart rate to rise, in keeping with the text*
Edward: The blush on your cheeks is lovely.
*Bella lets her hand fall limply to her lap.*
*Edward holds Bella's face between his hands*
Edward: Be very still.
*Bella pulls away*
Bella: I need a bath.
Edward: I thought that was going well.
Bella: I'm all for giving you a basic human decency cookie for admitting you're at fault, but there are limits.
Edward: But we're supposed to keep this up for three pages.
Bella: Not going to happen.
Edward: Well then that would put us at me carrying you like a backpack.
Bella: And me getting to strangle you. I like it, I'm there, let's do this thing.
Edward: I'm suddenly less than enthused.
Bella: You're the one who's always pushing to do what the book says.
Edward: Yeah, but-
Bella: No but. I'm Yoda, you're Luke, now let me on your back so I can work you till you drop.
Edward: Ok, how does this sequence go?
Bella: 'There must be some kind of way out of here,' said the joker to the thief.
Edward: Right. You have to go.
Bella: Very astute young Skywalker.
Edward: Can I show you something?
Bella: And then I say, 'Show me what?' and you say:
Edward: I’ll show you how I travel in the forest. Don’t worry, you’ll be very safe, and we’ll get to your truck much faster.
Bella: Will you turn into a bat?
Edward: I've heard that before.
Bella: When?
Edward: What?
Bella: When have you heard that before?
Edward: Well, um...
Bella: I mean it seems like something a human would ask a vampire. A freshly turned vampire who didn't know the ins and outs of things would ask, 'Will I turn into a bat?' It's only a non-vampire who would ask, 'Will you turn into a bat?' which leaves me wondering how many non-vampires were aware of your vampiric nature that at least once in your life you had a conversation where the topic of battiness came up.
Edward: Look.
Bella: I'm looking.
Edward: My back story was never really worked out all that well so I'm just working with what I have. And what I have says that I've heard that before. It doesn't say where or when or why or how.
Bella: And you never asked.
Edward: Asked who? The author? She doesn't care about back story.
Bella: You could still ask.
Edward: Can we get on with it?
Bella: Is this the part where I get to strangle you?
Edward: Yes.
Bella: then we can get on with it.
Edward: *rote, his enthusiasm killed off by previous conversation* Come on, little coward, climb on my back.
Bella: *as she climbs on his back* Of the two of us I'm the one at greater risk by simply being here, little coward.
*Bella's arms tightly squeezing Edward's neck with a grip that would have suffocated a human*
Edward: Exhilarating, isn't it?
Bella: I have no idea how dogs do it.
Edward: Bella?
Bella: Is that actual concern I hear in your voice?
Edward: Yes, actually.
Bella: Well I do believe I need to lie down. And thanks.
Edward: Oh, sorry.
Bella: You're on the verge of being a sympathetic character, do you think you can keep this up?
Bella: I think I need help, actually. My stranglehold on you seems to have gotten stuck that way by an irrational fear of letting go.
*Edward laughs*
Bella: And I hereby deduct fifty sympathetic character points from sparklepoo.
Edward: How do you feel?
Bella: *to herself* Now he's the computer from Star Trek IV. *to Edward* I'll tell you when my mind and body start communicating again.
Bella: Dizzy, I think.
Edward: Put your head between your knees.
*Bella does so*
Bella: Good advice, you're racking up the sympathetic character points today.
Edward: I guess that wasn't the best idea.
Bella: Admitting being wrong, twice in one day no less. You're on your way to being almost likable. Don't fuck this up. Also, however ill advised it may have been, the ride was interesting.
Edward: Hah! You're as white as a ghost -- no, you're as white as me!
Bella: And you fucked it up. Royally. All of the sympathy you earned has just gone down the drain. How hard would it have been to substitute your own, non-assholic, line for that one?
Edward: It's what's in the book!
Bella: Always the excuses.
Bella: Anyway, I think I should have been wearing goggles, and possibly closed my eyes on occasion, but mostly goggles and eyes front should have solved things I think.
Edward: Remember that next time.
Bella: What on earth or any other planet makes you think there will be a next time?
*Edward laughs*
Edward: Open your eyes, Bella.
Bella: I actually quite like them closed, especially with you and your magic brain killing beauty being mere inches away from my face. If I open my eyes I could lose the ability to think.
Edward: Suit yourself.
Bella: What do you want?
Edward: I was thinking while I was running...
Bella: Which means you were thinking for a few minutes. *flatly* Yay. I'm going to hazard a guess that you weren't thinking about safety.
Edward: No. But you weren't supposed to say that.
Bella: Sue me.
Edward: No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try.
Bella: If it involved kissing me you can forget it.
Edward: But the book says-
Bella: Then kiss the god damn book.
Edward: Just a little kiss.
Bella: No.
Edward: Please?
Bella: You do realize that asking again and again until I break down and say, 'Yes,' isn't the same thing as consent, right?
Edward: This is supposed to be our first kiss.
Bella: Think of it as the first of zero if it makes you feel better. I'm going home.
Edward: Maybe you should let me drive.
Bella: I'm supposed to say, 'Are you insane?' but in truth I fail to see the connection between insanity and your poor decisions that are best explained by your controlling nature.
Edward: I can drive better than you on your best day, you have much slower reflexes.
Bella: Your reliance on reflexes indicates a disturbing lack of understanding of how a truck actually handles. Reflexes alone mean nothing. You need to steer the truck to safety with enough lead time to actually have the truck and what would have placed it in danger not be in the same place at the same time. Defensive driving isn't about reflexes, it's about planning ahead. You need to think in two dimensions of space and one of time and always keep in mind what can happen several moves ahead.
Bella: If you're relying on reflexes you're waiting until the problem is too near in time and space. That's a bad sign.
Edward: Some trust, please, Bella.
Bella: Nope. Not a chance. Trust is earned. You haven't earned it. You've done the opposite.
*Edward grabs Bella*
Bella: If you don't let go I will end you.
Edward: Bella, I’ve already expended a great deal of personal effort at this point to keep you alive. I’m not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you can’t even walk straight.
Bella: And I'm not about to let someone who doesn't respect my personal space take control of my most prized possession.
Edward: Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Bella: Ok, that non sequitur needs to be responded to on at least two different levels. First, when have you ever demonstrated anything resembling friendship towards me? Second: Drunk?
Edward: You're intoxicated by my very presence.
Bella: And you by mine, the difference is I don't like it.
Edward: Regardless, I have better reflexes.
Bella: Regardless, if you don't let go I will end you.
*Edward hesitates, unsure of what to do*
Bella: And you're on the verge of being forced to walk home. Think what would happen to the little back-story that you do have. It's supposed to be delivered on the truck ride home. If you're not in the truck it disappears. Poof.
Bella: If you let go now, get in the passenger seat, and don't slam the door, I'll let you keep your back story. If you don't at best you'll be a character without a story, at worst we'll all have to try to figure out what happens to this book when there's no Edward Cullen in it.
Bella: I vote that Alice turns Eric who then sits in on the scenes meant for you but delivers his lines with a bit more respect and grace.
*Edward lets go*
*Bella gets into the driver's seat*
[Chapter Ends.]



  1. "You're getting your continuity all over my angst." Perfect!

  2. I was waiting for "I swallowed a bug" after that run, but it's probably better that you didn't use it-- Snarky!Bella is way more Zoe than she is River, after all. In case it's not obvious by now, I really like these stories, here's hoping you keep going!

    (J. Random Scribbler)