[Originally posted at The Slacktiverse and Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]
Edmund: Have you read the shit we're supposed to say?
Susan: I glanced at it, yes.
Edmund: I'm not saying it.
Susan: Any reason in particular, or just bad writing in general?
Edmund: About six thousand reasons, but primarily the line: "I should have loved you the less if you had taken him."
Edmund: You know that I'll always love you no matter what and I'll never love you less, right?
Susan: Sort of, but I do question whether there's such a thing as unconditional love. What if I started a genocide?
Edmund: Uh... *thinks* I'd still love you, I'd feel really torn up inside, I'd raise an army to oppose you and protect your intended victims, I'd try to reason with you but if that failed I'd do whatever was needed, within the bounds of not being evil myself, to stop you, and when I talked about you afterward, assuming I survived, I'd focus on the good over the evil, and the parts that I loved over the parts that I hated. And I would do whatever was in my power to make it so the good you'd done endured while the evil died off.
Susan: Good answer.
Edmund: Why, do you think that's the sort of thing you're likely to do?
Susan: No, mostly I was stalling to avoid the written conversation for as long as possible.
Edmund: Clever. Any more ideas?
Susan: No, unfortunately.
Edmund: Ok, here we go... Now... you're my sister I wouldn't say, "Madam," I'd say, "Susan."
Edmund: Now, Susan. Wait, why is there a period there? That's an introductory clause. This is just painful and we haven't even got to the racism and sexism yet. Ok, trying again.
Edmund: Now, Susan, what think you? Damn it; that phrasing is just silly.
Susan: Yeah, if we're going to speak in old timey English I want it to be Old English.
Susan: If it doesn't have a dual it's not worth talking outside of our comfort zone.
Edmund: Ok, trying again. Now, Susan, what do you think? We've been here three weeks which, when combined with the one week he was with us in Narnia, adds up to a little less than a month, unless the month is February, to get to know him so clearly you've had enough time to decide whether or not to marry this suitor of yours which the author wants me to call "dark-faced lover" because clearly his skin tone is all that matters.
Susan: The sarcasm in you is strong.
Edmund: Thank you. I learned from the best.
Susan: Thank you. And no, not going to marry him. The author wants me to put this in terms of jewels because... um, wait. Doesn't the bride's family give the dowry?
Edmund: I think it's just establishing that you're bribable, but not that bribable.
Susan: Right, because I'm "Susan the Gentle" not "Susan the Honest". Where were we?
Edmund: This is the part where I am to claim that my love for you is entirely contingent on you marrying someone I approve of and furthermore that I found it astonishing, a wonder to behold, that you were nice to him at all.
Susan: Then this must be the part where I say that showing kindness to a foreign dignitary who was on his best behavior was folly and beg forgiveness for such folly.
Edmund: It is indeed.
Susan: Because that makes so much sense.
Edmund: Apparently we outlawed school, I don't think logic is supposed to be one of our strong points.
Susan: Point. I would like to point out, in all seriousness, that when he was with us in Narnia he seemed like a perfectly good person. As for the bit about basing marriage on feats in tournament, I'm skipping that cattle dung.
Edmund: That's true. The fact he was a raging asshole wasn't apparent until we got here and thus the fact that I was surprised you were nice to him beforehand makes no sense.
Susan: Are we done yet?
Edmund: God I hope so.
Susan: Which god?
Edmund: A nice one I suppose. Have we met any of those?