Friday, October 7, 2011

Twilight - Nobody is this incompetent; They're doing it on purpose

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Musings.]

I keep returning to it, and there's no way this isn't completely absurd. Edward convinces Bella to lie for him by promising to explain, then we have this (italics are direct quotes from the text):

Edward: "Your father is waiting for you."
Bella: "You promised."
Edward: "In that case . . . I hope you enjoy disappointment."

First off, if he's going to a jerk that way I want him to at least quote the Dread Pirate Roberts:
Bella: I must know.
Edward: Get used to disappointment.

But second and more importantly: what the hell?

Edward is trying to send her to talk to the Chief of Police but making sure first to remove any incentive she has to cover for him? Aren't you supposed to hold off on betraying someone until after they've told the police what you want them to tell the police?

This seems like incredibly bad form. Like telling someone, "By the way, I was the one who sold you out after the thing with the jewels in Nairobi went bad. Now go into that interrogation room and tell the cops I'm innocent." Something about the timing seems somewhat off, don't you think?

Although it actually is somewhat worse isn't it? It's more like, "Remember how I promised to pay you if you corroborated my story? I was lying, I'm not going to pay you a single penny. By the way, the police, whom you have yet to talk to, are waiting for you and I'm sure they'd love to hear about your version of events."

It's just so ... words are failing me. It's wrong to a point that "wrong" is no longer adequate.

Maybe it's not that the Cullens are bad at the masquerade, maybe they pass the endless dragging years by moving into a town and seeing how absurdly suspicious they can get before the pitchforks come out.

The van thing was not planned, but toying with people =/= standing by while they die, so Edward saved Bella and has been improvising. It's a golden opportunity, not to be wasted. When he gets tot he hospital he finally confers with another member of the clan.

Carlisle and Edward are discussing off screen all of the obviously wrong things they'll do:
Carlisle: I've already put her and Tyler in facing beds so that they can discuss what happened and hopefully poke holes in your story. Then I'm going to come out, ignore Tyler, and talk to her first for no apparent reason. You'll be in the room the whole time of course.
Edward: Of course.
Carlisle: The moment she says anything about the event I'll mumble halfheartedly and make a big show of avoiding any real engagement. What do you think?
Edward: I won't argue with the efficacy of the that for creating suspicion, but I really think we should try something more direct.
Carlisle: Well what's your plan?
Edward: I promised her that if she played along I'd explain everything. I'll go back on my word right before she meets with her father. Hopefully she'll stop playing along as a result, and we can finally get Charlie involved.
Carlisle: I don't know, do you really think Charlie is up to the task? I've been dangling hints in front of him since we first moved here and it's always the same: nothing.
Edward: Alice did say that this town would be harder than the last one.

The object is to see how far they can go before they're found out and, naturally, how much fun they can have in the process. Edward's siblings were unhappy with how he saved Bella because they feel he skipped over several levels of escalation. If they use blatant superpowers too early then it takes all the fun out of it. (Unless they're playing a quick free for all.)

Of course mostly they do it for the memories.

The Cullens still tell the story about the town where Carlisle ate a rampaging moose in the middle of main street on a busy day and yet the next day it was like nothing had ever happened. They returned to school. Not a word. Carlisle treated patients who had been staring right at him. Nothing. No reaction at all. That town had required more than willful negligence or playful effort. It had been a tough nut to crack.

It's probably not the most productive way to spend your eternity, but it makes for interesting stories.

(Alice's story about the girl who caught her sunbathing and, rather than realize there was anything odd going on, asked where she bought her body glitter is another story often retold. It is still sure to get a laugh after all these years, but you really have to hear Alice tell it. Especially since only Alice can deliver the line, "Did Not See That Coming," in that special future-seer way.)

At this point they aren't sure whether Bella will fall into the category of hilariously obtuse, or move them into "let's be absurdly bad at the masquerade" phase two: rumor control.

Person: I heard-
Carlisle: That every member of my family is a vampire? A ridiculous rumor.
Person: -that you were looking to buy a propane lamp because yours broke and you were going on a camping trip.
Carlisle: Oh.
Person: What was that about vampires?
Carlisle: Nothing. Nothing at all. How much did you want for the lamp?


  1. I'm moseying through your Twighlight archives at the moment and am loving all of it. This one had me laughing at my desk. :-)

    1. Hey, welcome here. Thank you for commenting.

      A word of warning, if you're using the index instead of the tags, I'm not sure how up to date it is. I need to go through everything and update all the indexes (indices?), but there's a lot of things I need to do and it's not on the top of my list.