Friday, February 17, 2017

Things, which I'm pretty sure don't exist, that would be useful right now.

I was just starting, as in step one, to clean up my house when I broke my ankle.  House is not crutch accessible.

If I don't want to die, I've got to change that.  Lots of moving around on my butt.

Why my butt?  I can't crawl.  The splint has my ankle locked into a right angle position, needs to be in line with my leg to crawl.

So thing one:

An Ankle Cart

Very small thing with two to four wheels, as necessary for stability and maneuverability, that keeps my broken ankle off the ground and has it roll wherever the leg pulls it thus allowing me to crawl on hands and knee by taking "broken ankle" out of the equation.  If everything is worked out just so then I could even crawl on hands and knees, plural.

The problem with being on the ground, though, is that eventually you need to get off it.  From sitting to standing can be tricky, but from ground to standing is Hell, so thing two:

Floor to sitting elevator

Think of it like a car jack, except probably with a square dolly base.  You start out not high off the ground.  Low enough that one can easily get from the ground onto it even in an injured state.  Then you crank until you're high enough to easily transition to standing.

Why a square dolly base?

Well obviously you want to be able to take it with you, but there's more.  When you've elevated it to the height of a chair/stool/thing then what you've got is a narrow gauge wheel chair.  Down side: you need to find a way to power it when you have no way of contacting the wheels.  (good foot, crutches, whatever)  Up side: it can fit in spaces ordinary wheel chairs never could.

Now with the crawling and chairing there's a question of how you're keeping the crutches with you.  So:

Crutch holding blimp/hover thingy

High enough to be out of your way, low enough to be within reach, programmed to follow you so your crutches are always within grabbing distance.

RC Trash Can and Recycle Bin

When I got broken I was cleaning.  I am no longer.  I'm clearing.  I'm making paths big enough to crutch through, but on the cleaning front I'm probably making everything worse.  Almost certainly, in fact.

Hey, I found my dagger.  Now I can open mail easily again.  Woo!

Back on point, think about it like needing to get stuff off the table so you can eat off the table.  You could clean the table, throw out trash, bin recyclables, put the stuff you keep back where it belongs, so forth.  Or you could just shove everything off of the table and onto the floor (thus quickly clearing off the table, but destroying any organization the stuff on the table might have had, mixing everything into one large heap, and possibly breaking shit.)

Putting stuff where it belongs is a firm no-go, but if I could call the trash can and recycle bin to me (or drive them to me) then I could at least dispose of that stuff.

Emergency backup bed

I sleep downstairs, stairs are death.  Of the three beds that were once upstairs, one is gone I know not where, one is in an addition to the house made by people who didn't believe in insulation (or, indeed, making sure air could not freely flow from inside to outside), and the final one, mine, is atop a broken box spring (I fully intend to destroy that thing that vexed m for so much of my life) in a room that needs way more work than I can afford just to reach the bed.

I need an easy to set up, small, emergency back up bed so I can sleep on the kitchen floor or something.


Hey, peanuts.


Self preparing, delivering, and cleaning food and drink

I had enough trouble keeping myself fed and watered before, what do I do now when it's an ordeal to make it to the kitchen and I can only have hands free if I'm sitting down?  You wouldn't believe how hard it was just to pour a glass of water today.  Actually, I'm lucky that "glass" is figurative because the attempt saw it crash to the ground with enough force to break some of the plastic that it's actually made of clean off.

People who answer their phones

I had only one job to do today: call the orthopedic surgeon --

Ask and you shall receive. Apparently.  They called back right where the break above is.  Mind you I couldn't make it to the phone in time and had to call them back three or four times before they did answer the phone, but I meet with the suregon in a week.

And I learned why I can't contact my mom, who is the other notable non-answerer.  She's in equador.  Some warning would have been nice, even before I was broken I'd been trying to get in touch with her because I need to give her approximately $650 she spotted me an her Sam's club membership would really help make my food money last.

But on the subject of phones:

Phone Drone

I need it to come from the charging dock to me wherever in the house I may be.  Taking it with me runs down the charge and risks it getting lost.  It needs to be in the charger before the call is made, come to me while things are still ringing, and return after I'm done with it.

Cat Communicator

I need to be able to get across the message: I'm useless right now, act as you would when I'm not in the house because your attempts to command may attention are anti-clearing.

Heli-Watering Can

The hanging plants need to be watered.  The hanging plants needed to be watered last month.  The hanging plants are god damned hard to get to.  Worse with me broken than ever before.

I need a no nonsense plant waterer that flies in, does the job, and flies back out again.

Pain killers that actually kill fucking pain

Kills pain dead.  None of this live kind of killing.

A peg leg that can be worn when you still have the leg

It's easy to see how it would work.  Your knee rests on it like you're kneeling on it, your leg sticks out straight back, supported or not as the need presents itself.  Walking is taken care of.  When you need to not have peg leg and flesh leg at right ankles you release the break and ease the flesh leg down into the peg leg (which is built to accommodate such by being composed of two pegs, on on either side of where flesh leg goes.  Probably a bar across the bottom to keep them aligned.)  Holding the knee in position while walking is done by a strap on the upper shin which is attached to the swivel part of the peg leg.

And so forth



A secondary pair of arms

One pair operates the crutches, another picks up, carries, moves, puts down, and otherwise manipulates objects.

That leaves me one pair short.

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