Friday, October 5, 2012

My life, objectively, sucks

So, first, the good news.  My depression might have been dealt with.  It's a tentative conclusion, and there are things that remain to be seen.

Two bits of bad news come with this.  One expected, one not so much (though not exactly shocking).

The not expected one, but in a "figures" kind of way rather than a "I would have never imagined this was possible" kind of way, is that I have another mental health problem that's still preventing me from getting simple tasks done.  It wasn't noticed before because the depression was screwing everything up well before it had a chance to screw things up.  Though it has been suspected, on occasion, for a good solid 20 years so if I was going to have another mental health problem, that's the one you'd bet on.

To put it in auto repair terms, it's like we've reached the point where the engine will start only to discover that the break is stuck on and the gas pedal does nothing.  Things are clearly working better, but were's still not going anywhere until more work is done.

It's not, "Yay, the depression is cured, now I can start doing things to put my life in order," it's, "The depression may well be dealt with, but I still can't do things to put my life in order."

More work is left to be done, fortunately I have a good psychiatrist and a good psychologist via school.

So, that was the unexpected thing, I really thought that when it came to mental health depression was the thing and once that was dealt with I could actually, you know, accomplish things.

Here's the expected thing.  It's the title.  My life, objectively, sucks.

This is not a surprise, this is not something that was lost on me all of the time that I thought that I really needed to get the fucking depression dealt with.  Dealing with the depression was always the first step because it was preventing me from dealing with much of anything else.

Anyone who's been reading here for a while probably has a sense of some of the ways in which my life sucks.

My housing situation sits upon the edge of a knife, stray but a little and I'll lose my house.

My sister's housing situation does too, except if she strays then it means that my aunt reverts to plan A which is to try to develop the property (having my sister living there paying rent to her has placated her somewhat because she really loves money) which probably means a court battle to decide how to divide it, and no matter what much of the property will be destroyed to make way for unneeded houses for people so rich they can buy houses they don't need.  (As has happened to much of the surrounding farmland.)

If she gets the house, she'll destroy the house.  (The land the house sits on is worth more than the house, greater profit is had by tearing it down and replacing it.)  If she doesn't get the house then she'll have to get more of the land to make up for not getting the monetary value of the house.  So more of it is ruined.

And it's not like negotiations will be easy.  This is, though not with direct quotes, quite seriously how she came to her position on the house:
Her: I don't want the house.
My mother: That makes things easier, because I was thinking that I probably did want it.
Her: I want the house.

While she loves money, she also loves being able to take things other people want.  Even if she doesn't want them.  In any given situation, it's almost impossible to tell which of her loves will be dominant.

And there's the fact that the last time I saw a friend was when I met Lonespark which was *looks things up* early May, I guess.  I do see people I like in classes, but it's hard to distinguish between amicable classmate and friend you never see outside of school.

And then there's stuff I don't discuss in public.

And then there's the fact that my inability to make myself do simple things means I'm behind in all my classes.

And then there's the general lack of good things.

I have lots of stuff going on that would make a mentally healthy person sad, I have much less that tends toward happy, so dealing with the depression just leaves me to deal with a life that objectively sucks.  And there's no pill for that.  That's kind of what feeling sad is for.


Which brings me to something that's a bit strange to say.  Depression has some upsides, and I don't just mean that in certain areas depressed people are more rational than non-depressed people because that's not always an upside.

Depression can manifest in many different ways, it can be that you have highs and lows but your highs are about the same level as other people's lows, it can be that you go so low that you will never be able to explain it to someone who hasn't experienced it for themselves because there are not words to describe, there are not comparisons to make, and there are no common points of reference, it's off the scale and through the floor, it can be feeling nothing at all.  It can be many other things as well, but the only reason I wrote this paragraph was so that I could talk about the nothing at all part.

This is not, in any way, shape, or form, a good thing.  Losing the ability to feel is horrible.  It's like you're dead inside.  It's like whatever made you human just went away and left you numb to the world.  It's like you're not even a person anymore and can't even be bothered to care about that fact.

And, of course, we can get into things like the fact that it means all joy and happiness and good feelings died.

It's like you're watching the world pass you by through a car window and you can't interact with anything emotionally because the depression stops you as much as the glass stops you from reaching out with your hand.

Elie Wiesel talked about the opposite of love, beauty, faith and life* and if you imagine that crawling inside of you, taking hold, and becoming a part of your very being then you can understand why not feeling is a horrible thing indeed.

But, at the same time, keeping the world at emotional arm's length does have it's benefits.  They in no way counter the downside, but one would be lying to say that they're not there.

And they are exactly what you'd expect them to be.  A rock feels no pain, and an island never cries.  When you can't feel you can't feel bad.  You can't feel sadness or despair.

You're insulated from the slings and arrows of normal existence.


Now I haven't had bouts of complete apathy in a while anyway, I've had things where I felt lows but no highs, or the highs were momentary but the lows came with both anticipation and long lingering afterglow.  But when you have a symptom you don't always have it full on, and feelings don't need to be deadened they can just be dulled.

Or maybe it's just the fact that when I'm sad now I can point to reasons, and they're good reasons, and that somehow makes it feel worse.

But whatever the reason, I've got a problem.  My emotions may well be working properly now.  I'm in a situation where properly working emotions would not lead to good feelings.  I'm sad.  I have good reason to be.

That doesn't really feel any better than depression.  I mean, I feel better when there are reasons, my highs are higher, the difference has been noticeable to others as well as myself.  When physically in classes (as in, not talking about out of class work) I'm doing well and feeling well and having fun.  But when left to my own devices, there are so many things to bring me down, and basically nothing to lift me up.

One of the diagnostic questions they ask to see if you're depressed is if things you usually enjoy have stopped being enjoyable for you or something like that, for years upon years I've been in a position where I don't even know how to answer because I don't even remember what I usually enjoy.

It's entirely possible the last time I wasn't depressed was in elementary school.  Somehow I doubt that the same things would bring me as much joy today even if I did remember what they were.

So, the depression may have been dealt with, but even if it has I have to face the fact that my situation is depressing.  So, an emotionally normal person, which I may now be, shouldn't feel good in it.



*The quote:
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of beauty is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, but indifference between life and death.


  1. I'm glad to hear you've made some progress, and I wish you luck with the progress not yet made.

  2. I don't know what to add, but I've promised myself I would try to lurk less and comment more. So here are Jedi hugs, if you want them. I wish there was something I could do or say to make the Objective Suck less so. I will say that I think you are Objectively Awesome.

  3. I wish there was a magic fix for everything, but I don't know of one, so let me offer hugs.

    *offers hugs*

  4. I also wish there was a magic fix. Best wishes and virtual hugs are the only things I can offer, I'm sorry.

    But it's good to know that things are working at least somewhat better.

    (The horrible thing is, sometimes not feeling anything at all comes as a welcome change from feeling helpless and useless all the fucking time.)


  5. The first step feels utterly insignificant, because you can still reach out and touch the place you started from. But it's still the first step.

    You now have some chance to define the sort of person you become. Well, everyone does, but you're in an unusual position of knowing about it. (I effectively missed most of my later teenage years because of brucellosis and after-effects, so in my early twenties I had a similar opportunity to look at things with a bit of unwonted clarity...)

  6. I also think you are Objectively Awesome, and that having a leash on the depression is an Objective Good Thing.

    I wish there were anything I could say to help with the Objective Suck, because yeah, ugh. May I express my distaste for your aunt? Bleh.*

    I hope that things continue to improve.

    *That is an objective bleh. I am sitting here at my desk bleh-ing.