Not actually why I do this, which is one of the reason's why it's been so long since I looked at the results of having ads on the blog.
It came as a surprise to me to find that it's been as successful as it has been. How successful is that? Well if things keep up at this rate then in two years or so I should finally reach the threshold where they actually give me money. So figure about three years to get money, and 10,000 times that to become a millionaire.
From my association with Amazon I have made much less money, but they also have a much smaller threshold to pay out which means another six years, at this rate, and I'll reach the threshold where I get paid, and 100,000 times that to be a millionaire.
Now combine the two and you get 28,724 years to be a millionare. As I said, flawless plan.
Actually, probably the most notable thing from this exercise in my hypothetical millionairehood is how little Amazon contributes, it only shaves about 4.25(3-repeating) percent off the non-Amazon time, and even though the threshold for payment is ten times lower it'll take me, assuming present rates, more than twice as long to reach it.
I could blame this on people failing to buy .hack//Sign and Deus Ex every time I link to them. Or for that matter Hugo. I have linked to that, right? Because it's a good movie. At least I liked this, but I think it's mostly because the stuff that I primarily write about here (Twilight, Left Behind...) is, uh, how do you say? Bad. Refuse. Slime, Filth, Putrescence. Rubbish. Filth. Slime. Muck. Boo. Boo. Boo.
I would talk about good things more often, but don't really have that many to share. And I assume you've already bought, begged, borrowed or stolen The Princess Bride anyway.
Amazon itself isn't much help, this is what it recommends (warning, gratuitous links):
Shop Amazon - FREE One-Day Shipping on Select Products - That might be of use to someone, it lasts from today until the 22nd, noon Pacific time.
And then... Ok, so these were all supposed to be image links but the images link code seems to be missing which makes my point somewhat less clear, Amazon will show me the pictures, which sort of drive home the "Not really what I do here," more than any words can, but it won't show me the actual thing to put the picture on the blog which seems unfair.
Shop Amazon - Top Holiday Deals in Toys - Because when I think Stealing Commas, I think toys. Especially that doll with the strawberry hair that looks like it's going to kill me as soon as I turn away because I'm nearly sure it's from a horror movie, or should be. You can't see it so just trust me.
Shop Amazon - Top Holiday Deals Event - Stealing Commas, the place for all your holiday needs. When was the last time I mentioned a holiday? Right, Guy Fawkes Day, burning effigies are a bit out of season at the moment, have been for more than a month.
Shop Amazon Home Entertainment - Top Holiday Deals on TV, Video - Because people come here looking for TVs to buy.
Shop Amazon - New Video Gift Cards - That might actually kind of sort of work for the blog, though a video gift card starring you seems like a disaster waiting to happen. Or something that will be used in a crime drama because you've got a recording of something pertinent.
Shop Amazon - Holiday Gift Cards - Instant Delivery or Free One-Day Shipping - Gift cards are basically the same as giving people money, but saying, "I did think of you enough to know what store you might like to spend the money at," so maybe, but we come back to the "Holidays, me, really?" thing.
Then the alleged picture ads end for a bit.
Best Selling Products, be a follower, Hot New Releases, because newness and goodness are oh so strongly correlated, Top Gift Ideas, the perfect way to say, "I'm unoriginal," Most Wished for Items, the perfect way to say, "You're unoriginal," Top Rated Products, this one at least has the benefit of feedback from the people who ended up using it.
Then we get a pile of picturey ads you can actually see:
Which leave me with questions like, "How many people come here looking for deals on gaming consoles, and skateboards?" or, "Do my readers really want table settings?" or, "Is it really such a wonderful life?" or, "Did they steal Mrs. Beaver's sowing machine?"
Anyway, we're into the home stretch now:
Again we're back to, how many people come here looking for toys?
Also the observation that, while I would recommend the fifth book to no one and read nothing after that, the fourth and third books definitely seemed like they could hold their own as things for adults so I'm not sure so much that it's that Harry Potter wasn't for adults as that it was for kids. I suppose writing, "J.K. Rowling's first book that you should hide from your kids," doesn't have the same ring to it.
Ok, if I'm honest any of these might appeal to some of the people who read this, but I have a feeling that anyone who it did appeal to, with the exception of the gift cards, already has whatever appeals to them.
A note on the gift cards. I don't pretend to know how things are done beyond our borders but within my state the whole "No expiration," thing is required by law.
And that concludes Amazon's advice to me. Sort of. The email of advice they sent seemed to be much more jewelry focused, which I'm sure is what everyone coming here wants, yet when I went to the site no advice in the way of jewelry.
But really the problem isn't that Amazon gives bad advice, it's that it gives advice that, even when good, I can't really use. Maybe several people are, for example, in the position of simultaneously
a) Wanting a kindle fire
b) Not having a kindle fire already
c) Having enough free money to buy a kindle fire
I don't think it likely, but pretend it's true. I don't have a kindle fire, so I can't talk about one. Other than a post like this talking about Amazon not giving me very useful advice I'd never have cause to mention it.
So basically the only thing I could do would be to put a kindle fire ad in my sidebar and hope people look at it, click on it, and then actually buy something. How many people are likely to do that when they came here to read about Cameron and Jane trying to track down Chloe in Skewed Slightly to the left, Nyx confronting Zeus, or Bella defending her truck's honor after Edward was... Edward?