Thursday, February 9, 2012

Snarky Twilight - Post Nurse Parking lot, Part 1

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]
[Partial credit has to go to TRiG for linking to this, but I think some of it is due to Bella simply being fed up.  The pain text scene has Edward grabbing her by the clothing and dragging her across the parking lot, then threatening to do it again if she tried to escape.  There comes a point where you have to change your story even if you haven't heard the song..]

Edward yanks Bella by her jacket, Bella responds with an elbow to his face. Unfortunately, Edward being a sparkle vampire I unfazed while Bella is the one to end up hurt.
Bella: Motherfucker!
Edward: Do you think I'm going to let you drive in your condition? 
Bella: First off, I don't expect you to let me do anything. I'm going home. You don't have a say in the matter. Second, you may be forgetting that that my condition went away, we tricked the nurse because I didn't feel like going to gym. I note that the lying was entirely your idea so if you think you're occupying some sort of high ground think again. You're like a weight around my ankle pulling me down to deeper depths. I don't have to go, I could easily fight it and refuse your influence, but sometimes, as now, I go along anyway and I have to live with that. I shouldn't do it, I do anyway, and I take responsibility for it but that doesn't change the fact that you've got no standing to be acting superior.
- - - Third. You're a vampire. My truck: made of wood*. If you don't start respecting my personal space very soon I will kill you with my truck. I will pick it up and drop it on your head if I have to, and don't say I can't because that truck and I have done impossible things together before. We altered the laws of physics just so that the chains on the tires would be hidden until the proper time. Do you have any concept of what's involved in that? We looked at the molecules making up the universe and said, "I know that every law you are subject to says you should be vibrating this way and thus creating sounds and motion that indicates there are chains on the tires, but we'd prefer if you vibrated this other way which flies in the face of 13 billion years of established physical law.
- - - And it worked. That truck and I have done a lot together and if need be we'll add vampire destruction to that list of things because, as near as I can tell, it's high time this town had bit of pest control.
Edward: It doesn't matter what you say. The plot says that we ride in my car.
Bella: Well we've already established that ditching is healthy. I'm ditching. The plot will have to do without me today.
Edward: I'm still holding on to your jacket.
Bella: And if you make use of that fact I will run a scorched earth campaign on this entire narrative. I will tear this story apart page by page, line by line, word by word. And I've just decided that I won't actually kill you with a truck.
Bella: Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of, 'To the pain'?
Edward lets go.
Bella walks to her truck. She caresses the hood.
Bella: Hey truck, did you miss me? We are going to have fun today.


*It was the made in the last year they used wooden blocks as bed supports. Would that help in killing a vampire? No. Do I think it makes for a great line to use against Edward? Yes.


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1 comment:

  1. If a bit of wood gets into his heart, it might work