Sunday, February 12, 2012

Snarky Twilight - Lauren, Bella, and the Bank Job

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]
[This came about when it was pointed out that the excerpt that inspired the previous post said Lauren lost fifteen thousand dollars.]

Lauren: I can't believe I lost fifteen hundred dollars.
Bella: Thousand.
Lauren: What?
Bella: Fifteen thousand dollars.
Lauren: No...
Bella: The guide says fifteen grand.
Lauren: Let me see that.
Lauren: This can't be right. I might have been too excited for due diligence, but I wasn't that overeager and I've never been quite that reckless.
Bella: I have.
Lauren: Yeah, but... but you're the main character in a badly written book. The plot doesn't move if you're not reckless. What happened to me doesn't even factor into the plot.
Bella: Maybe the author just doesn't like you.
Lauren: I'm telling you, I didn't spend that much. *beat* Does this thing have an internet connection?
Bella: Yeah, the computer terminal's over there.
*Lauren goes, the keyboard is taken from a typewriter, she logs into her bank's website*
Lauren: (sounding defeated) Yup. Fifteen thousand less. That's... absurd.
Bella: Maybe they charged you ten times.
Lauren: Or added a zero.
Lauren: How am I going to make that back? That's like 30% of the median annual household income.
Bella: Really?
Lauren: This is 2006 right?
Bella: I think so.
Lauren: Then it's a little over 29.86%, which is like 30%. The median annual household income is 50,233.
Bella: Did not know that.
Lauren: The question remains, how am I supposed to make up a loss like that?
Bella: Well... this is just a suggestion, but... we could rob a bank.
Lauren: What?
Bella: There are these evil Italian vampires, and we're in Italy, and presumably they keep their savings somewhere, so it seems that a logical solution would be to rob a bank.
Lauren: Evil Italian vampires?
Bella: Yeah, I'm not supposed to know about them yet, but
*Bella picks up the official illustrated guide*
Lauren: You've read the guide.
Bella: It makes things more bearable when you know what's coming.

And then they rob a bank, specifically safe-deposit boxes with diamonds in them. I picture Bella making announcements and Lauren translating them into Italian. She'd start by quoting Serenity, "This is a robbery but we're after is not yours."


[This was actually written earlier than the above, but would obviously take place after they'd stolen the evil vampires' diamonds:]

"We have millions of dollars in diamonds!"
"I only need 15,000 from my share."
"I just want to get back to where I started."
"Yeah, but... millions of dollars."
"I just want 15,000"
"Come on, you should at least get 100 grand for your troubles."
"Well... ok."

And then they work out what they'll charge per diamond based on what it takes to get that amount, and are thus selling them at well below their market value.


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  1. Meanwhile I'm thinking "OK... let's steal a modelling agency".

  2. Leverage could work, but they'd need a larger crew.