Friday, January 10, 2014

Snarky Twilight: Going to the Vampire Lair

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

*Bella deciding what to wear*
Bella: Heavy armor, or light and agile? Heavy armor, or light and agile?
*she finally decided on light and agile*
*Bella puts on the clothes she wore to Port Angles, what she has come to call her hunting clothes: light, inconspicuous, and no matter how much she tried to wash them the smell of violence still lingered*
*Bella glances in the mirror*
*she sees her hair is "entirely impossible"*
Bella: Hair, you cannot be a Klein bottle in three dimensional space. It simply does not work.
*she pulls it into a ponytail*
Bella: (to narrative) I will not bound. (to Edward) Okay. I'm decent. (under her breath) As if being otherwise has ever stopped you.
Edward: (into her ear) Wrong again.
*Bella pushes him away*
Bella: About what?
Edward: You are utterly indecent--
Bella: We clearly have very different standards of what that word means.
Edward: (continued, not having heard) no one should look so tempting.
Bella: Sexy-fun times tempting, or shrimp on a pizza tempting? Either way, I can change...
*Edward sighs and shakes his head*
Edward: You are so absurd.
Bella: And you are such an ass.
*Edward tries to kiss Bella*
*Bella retaliates with what some would call undue force, but the hearing was ultimately inconclusive and the charges were dropped*
[The narrative resumes]
Edward: Shall I explain how you are tempting me?
Bella: One, I really feel like that should be "tempting to me. The way you said it makes it seem that I'm controlling your emotions and the responsibility for whatever comes to pass lies with me. It does not. It's all on you. Your emotions and urges are yours to control. I do not have magic manipulation powers. That's your brother.
Bella: Two, I'd rather you not. I mean I did when I thought you might use words but if it involves touching me HELL NO.
Edward: That was supposed to be a rhetorical question.
Bella: If you didn't want an answer you shouldn't have asked.
Edward: The TEXT SAYS, "It was clearly a rhetorical question."
Bella: Not so clear to me.
Edward: Can we get on with it?
Bella: Let's skip to the next page.
Edward: (angry) Fine. (More neutral) Do you feel sick?
Bella: All the damn time.
Edward: I can't take you anywhere like this.
Bella: You can't take me anywhere period. I move as I choose in ways you could not begin to comprehend if you spent a thousand years trying.
Edward: I call bullshit.
Bella: Whatever, let's just get this scene over with already.
Edward: (smugly) The text says I get to drive.
Bella: The text can go to hell.
[At the house]
Bella: Whoa this story just got meta.
Edward: What?
Bella: Listen to this: "I could hear the river close by, hidden in the obscurity of the forest."
Edward: What does that even mean?
Bella: It means that the river couldn't be found because the forest it winds through is so obscure it can't be looked up. It's like we wandered out of young adult supernatural romance and into an encyclopedia that was very honest about its own shortcomings.
Edward: It doesn't really mean that, does it?
Bella: That or neither the Author nor the Editor understands the English language.
Edward: I'm going with option two.
Bella: Then we're in agreement. Now I'm supposed to "Wow." at your house even though it has the most boring description ever.
Edward: You like it?
Bella: If we ignore the anachronism, the blocky design style, the way it doesn't fit well with the setting, the fact that it's too large, the absurdity, and so forth, then... I suppose it ... has a certain charm.
*Edward tries to pull on Bella's hair*
*Bella glares*
Bella: Don't. Just don't.
*Edward opens Bella's door*
Edward: Ready?
Bella: Never ready; always jumping into things.
Edward: You look lovely.
Bella: (shock) Was that a compliment?
Bella: An actual, not backhanded, no negging, compliment?


1 comment:

  1. Man, after that ending I'm contemplating Edward the PUA. Though fortunately he wouldn't last long against this Bella.