Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Stopping evil plans via unconventional means in mission control

I'm not entirely sure where this came from.  I know that I was refreshing my memory of the plot of Captain America: The Winter Soldier (spoiler: almost entirely not about the winter soldier) and it started when I got to the part with the standoff over the launch, but that was over relatively quickly in the movie and, moreover, nothing like this.


*there's some kind of launch, not necessarily physical, that has separated some kind of agency into two sides.  Good people want to stop it.  Bad people want to cause it.  Our scene is in mission control*

*almost everyone in the room is pointing a gun at someone else in the room*

Talkative Technician: People, people, can't we all be friends?

*almost no one takes notice*

Talkative Technician: Plus, you're all acting like guns win battles and I really feel like our employers have trained us better than that.  I mean the reason you're all pointing guns at each other isn't that we're arguing over where to point some really big gun.

Talkative Technician: The fact of the matter is that guns matter only at the margins and it's rarely ever guns that win battles.  Tactics win battles.

*talkative technician presses a button on console*

*the lights go out*

*many guns are fired*

*the emergency floodlights come on*

*soon everyone is pointing guns at each other again*

Talkative Technician: All of those bullets and none of you hit anything?  I mean, don't get me wrong, I prefer a bloodless outcome.  Win without wounding or some such alliterative nonsense, but don't you think it proves my point that tactics beat guns?

*low level bad guy has used the distraction to get to a critical computer*

Low Level Bad Guy: Boss, we can't do anything.

*head bad guy points his gun at talkative technician*

*many of the people with guns shift where they're pointing them in response to head bad guy's change (the sides are the same, but priorities have shifted)*

Bad Guy: What did you do?

*talkative technician points to nearest emergency floodlight*

Talkative Technician: I thought that was obvious... I cut the power.

Bad Guy: Fix it.

Good Person: Don't.

*talkative technician rolls eyes*

Talkative Technician: I swear you people with guns think you rule the world or something.  You want to know what I think?  I think...


*cut to outside where there is special effect laden superhero combat*


*security monitors, lights, and various other things have been restored but all of the computer consoles that populate the room refuse to turn back on*

Talkative Technician: ... and that, at the end of the day, is what matters most.  Now, I know some people are all, "Cartesian dualism!" but I have to call bullshit on that and-

*talkative technician glances at security monitors*

Talkative Technician: Duck!

*bad guy reinforcements storm the room, several good people are wounded, none seriously, they're placed under guard, bad guys now have all the guns*

Bad Guy: Fix It.

Good Person: Don't!

*good person is struck*

Talkative Technician: That was completely unnecessary; besides nothing has changed.

Bad Guy: It looks like a lot has changed from my point of view.

Talkative Technician: Then you should get your eyes checked.  You had guns, now you have more guns.  Your guns couldn't help you before, what makes you think they'll start now?

*Bad Guy motions and several rifles are pointed at talkative technician*

Talkative Technician: Oh, yeah, shooting me will totally make me do what you want.  When I am good and dead and zombified I will be totally compliant.


*more superhero combat*


*bad guy angrily walks over and points his sidearm at talkative technician*

Bad Guy: Fix whatever you did so we can restart the launch.

Talkative Technician: Ok, see, the thing is that I cut the power.  Now I can't use the computer console to restore the power that I cut to the computer console because the computer console has no power on account of me cutting it.

*bad guy growls*

Talkative Technician: In fact, I cannot conceive of a way in which it might even be possible for--

*cell phone rings*

*talkative technician holds up a finger*

*talkative technician pulls cell phone out of pocket and checks the number of incoming call*

Talkative Technician: Sorry, I have to take this.

*talkative technician flips open cell phone*

Talkative Technician: (into phone) Kiddo!


*more superhero combat*


*talkative technician is speaking into cell phone, turned away from gun pointing bad guy, though still surrounded by other, lower level, gun pointing bad guys*

Talkative Technician: (into phone) Look, I know it's scary but the fact of the matter is that either she likes you or she doesn't and if she doesn't not asking won't change that while if she does not asking might make you miss your chance.

Talkative Technician: (into phone) So just ask her out, it doesn't have to be some big deal, just something you both know is a date.

Talkative Technician: (into phone) I-- I know.  ... I know.  ... Yeah, but see, stalling doesn't change that.


Talkative Technician: (into phone) Ok, how could that possibly make things less awkward?


Talkative Technician: (into phone) Look, I know where you're coming from.  Really I do.  In fact I'm asking you to be braver than I was when I was in your shoes, but trust me on this one, no good will come from the easy way out.  So just... just, if you want to to go out with her ask her out.


Talkative Technician: (into phone) I understand that, but...


*more superhero combat*


Talkative Technician: I'm glad you see it my way.  Now, there's one last thing.

Talkative Technician: You can't do anything to change whether or not she likes you, but whether she's attracted to you is another story.  You can't make her be, but you've got at least some influence so please, please, wear that dress I helped you pick out when you ask her.

Talkative Technician: You're not going to have to dress like that all the time.  ... No, don't worry about that. ... Because she already knows how you usually dress and you should make sure she sees how you look when you do dress up.

Talkative Technician: Great.  Best of luck.  I love you, kid.

*talkative technician puts phone away and turns to bad guy who has a gun an inch away from talkative technician's forehead*

Talkative Technician: Ah... neighbors.  Now, where were we?

*bad guy holds up radio*

Bad Guy: You're going to tell my friends how to restart the launch.

Talkative Technician: Well if I'm going to do it anyway then it's a foregone conclusion and whatever will be will be.  Que Sera, Sera.  So there's no point in us arguing about it; we can just wait for it to happen.  So why don't you put away your gun, and I'll put away my snark, and we'll just stand here and let the future wash over us?


*more superhero combat*


*bad guy cocks the gun*

Talkative Technician: Please, if you were going to shoot me in the head you could do it from across the room.  The only reason you're so close is because you want to intimidate me by using perspective to make your sidearm look big and scary.


Talkative Technician: Plus, manual cocking is completely unnecessary with that type of gun.


*more superhero combat*


*bad guy is now over by the other captured agents and technicians*

Bad Guy: Tell me how to restart the launch or I'll shoot her.

Talkative Technician: How did I know you weren't going to threaten one of the men when there were women available?  Let me count the ways.

*bad guy is about to fire*

Talkative Technician: No.  You don't need to do that.  I believe you.

*bad guy smiles and lowers the gun*

Talkative Technician: You're going to lose anyway, I was just stalling for time, and I'd say I bought more than enough.

*bad guy raises the gun again*

Bad Guy: Quit stalling.

Talkative Technician: Right, yup.  Give me that radio.


*more superhero combat*


Talkative Technician: (into radio) Now you want to pull out the bundle of wires that looks like a purple octopus... well, except that it has seventeen wires, but you'll know it when you see it.


Talkative Technician: (into radio) Got it?  Good.  Now strip the...


*penultimate superhero combat*


Talkative Technician: (into radio) And that should do it.

Bad Guy: It's done?

Talkative Technician: Well it'll take about two minutes to boot up, during which there still could be problems I need to address, but in theory, yes.


*ultimate superhero combat*


Talkative Technician: I told you you were going to lose.



  1. I love the dating advice

    1. Seconded.

      I'm trying to figure out who to cast as Talkative Technician, now. The tricky part is coming up with people who can come off as really, really harmless and yet simultaneously display enough force of personality that the Bad Guys don't feel able to interrupt their filibustering. Emma Thompson? Peter Dinklage? Mos Def? Linda Hunt?

    2. It sounds pretty good when I read it in Emma Thompson's voice.

  2. Wait, now for some reason I need it to be that lady from The Daily Show. Jessica Williams? I just think she'd be perfect!

  3. The internet ate my original suggestion of LaVarr Burton.

  4. I don't know who plays her, but that is totally the female, ginger Doctor that Chris introduced at the end of Matt Smith's tenure.