Sunday, May 12, 2013

Snarky Twilight: Edward makes the possibility of Bella's death (at his hands) all about him.

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]
[I've been thinking that I need to identify when lines are from the original, so I'm going to try making them bold and see if that isn't too annoying.]

Edward: Isabella.
Bella: *annoyed* Bella. I go by Bella. You know that. Jackass.
Edward: Bella, I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you.
Bella: I assume you mean physically because if if emotional harm were included you wouldn't be able to live with yourself now and you don't seem suicidal.
Edward: *ignoring her* You don't know how it's tortured me.
Bella: No, but I can put an upper bound on things. It hasn't tortured you enough to for you to stop being a complete and utter ass to me, for example.
Edward: Would you STOP That?!
Bella: OK, fine.  Carry on.
Edward: Thank You. *pause* I, um... now... where was I?
Bella: Australia?
Edward: Not funny.
Bella: It might be if you got the reference.
*Edward glares*
Bella: You were talking about how your persistent drive to kill me is way worse for you than it is for me.
Edward: Right. Thanks. *clears throat* The thought of you still cold and white-
Bella: Like a vampire?
Edward: Never to see you blush scarlet again-
Bella: Because me being alive is only important if you can see me being alive, if not for you observing it my survival is meaningless. Also, vampires can't blush. Again the traits you find nice in me are ones which are an artifact of my species, not my personality or actions or opinions. You do realize that the fact you can't hear my thoughts doesn't mean I never think, right?
Edward: to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through by pretenses.
Bella: It's not that hard. Flip a coin, did it land heads or tails rather than balanced on an edge? If yes then Edward is probably being pretentious. If it did land balanced on an edge reconsider your thoughts on life, including Edwards pretenses.
Edward: You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever.
Bella: Except you.
Edward: What?
Bella: Even if I were to accept that I was really so important to you, which would seem massively out of character for you, I would still only be the most important thing to you other than yourself. You've got an ego big enough to rival Jupiter's magnetosphere in size. There's no way I could be competing with that...
        Plus all of the things you've said about my possible death are about how annoying and unwanted it would be for you. Nothing about the fact that being dead would be sort of inconvenient for me.
        Anyway, you know well how I feel. I'm only here to progress the narrative because when the narrative isn't progressed nothing happens, and when nothing happens things get very boring very fast.
        I'm here... which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than suffer soul crushing boredom. Not that I consider myself likely to die here.
Edward *gesturing for Bella to continue* And?
Bella: And what?
Edward: You're supposed to say that you're an idiot.
Bella: Why would I do a thing like that?
*Edward facepalms and sighs*
Edward: You are an idiot.
*awkward pause that is not filled with laughing, instead Bella merely has an angry unblinking stare fixed on Edward*
Edward: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
Bella: That is wrong in so many ways. I don't even know where to start. I mean, you've butchered the allusion, you're using the wrong meaning of lie with, you're then jumping from sex to love as though the things that cause people to have sex are identical to the things that cause people to be in love.
         When I tend to think of cross species love I think of the crow and the black cat, but that was familial love and won't suit your purposes so you'd probably want to go with the donkey and the llama or the house cat and the bunny. On the one hand you're clearly an ass, on the other had saying that makes you the donkey is using the wrong definition of ass and an insult to all donkeys
Edward: Finished?
Bella: No.
Edward: Damn.
Bella: The most egregious thing about what you said is the claim that you're in love with me. I have yet to see even the slightest indication of that. You certainly don't respect me and it's hard to love someone you don't respect.


1 comment:

  1. "Australia? That's where I've been all these years? You know, I knew everything looked different, but I thought it was just the booze."

    Clearly what Edward really needs in his (un)life is one of those RTC worshipbots, only with "God" crossed out and "Edward" written in.