Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Apocalypse Averted

[Originally posted at Slacktivist (page 4) and Slackitiverse on March 29th, 2011.]
[In canon Left Behind Cameron "Buck" Williams meets with the President of the United States shortly before he will be present at a treaty signing which will begin 7 years of Tribulation which will in turn kill off most life on earth and end with the apocalypse itself. Buck and the President talk about the Antichrist's new plane. What if they tried to prevent the end of the world instead?]

“Hello Cameron, care for a drink?”

“I don't drink, Fitz.” It was a fairly simple test, one that never destroyed the informal mood the way, “Is this off the record?” would. If this was a meeting between President and reporter, then Fitzhugh would indicate Williams had been presumptuous, if this was a meeting between Fitz and Cam, he'd respond in the usual way.

“Can't stomach it, Cam?”

“I never liked the taste.” Cam sat at the table and the conversation took off.

They covered everything. From the bizarre way Nicolae seemed to have taken over the world without anyone raising an eyebrow, to the fact that he somehow got a civilian made pilot of Air Force One with no one, least of all the Air Force, thinking it was strange. At one point Fitz said, “It doesn't make sense, the big things, the little things. The forest, the trees. It's like a birch grove full of pine cones.”

Cameron considered teasing, but reminded himself of two things. First was that, friend or not, the man was the President of the United States. The second was that he had once written, to his continuing shame, “to say that the Israelis were taken by surprise is like saying the Great Wall of China is long.”

Finally Fitzhugh asked Cam what he thought. Cameron wriggled uncomfortably in his chair and looked around the empty room to see if anyone was listening.

“Do I have to remind you that this is off the record?”

Cameron took a deep breath, then said, “I believe that he his the Antichrist empowered by Satan to take over the world and if he is allowed to sign the treaty in a little under three hours no power on this earth will be able to stop him.” Cameron tried to read the President. Had he just convinced his most powerful friend that he was delusional?

Fitz considered what he had heard for a full minute. Finally he said, “Well then we'd better get to work on stopping him.”

-

2 hours and 43 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 2
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.01

Cameron: “Fitz, much as I might want to, we can't simply kill him.”
Fitzhugh: “You're sure about that Cam?”
Cameron: “When someone tried to kill one of the witnesses he was incinerated before my eyes and the stone on which he walked melted into glass. That's the power given to two people whose only role is to stand around repeating the same tautology for three years. Nicolae's role is to rule the world. He must have better defenses than they do.”

-

2 hours and 40 minutes, conspiracy recruits new member: Michael, secret service agent.
Words to recruitment: 6
Could you come in here, please?

-

2 hours and 37 minutes until planned treaty signing.
Conspiracy size: 3
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.09

Michael: “You could try to assassinate the Israelis.”
Cameron: “What?”
Michael: “I don't mean actually try, I mean look like you're trying. Everyone knows that you've joined Nicolae's staff.”
Cameron: “I haven't-”
Fitzhugh: “Cam, the important thing is that the Israelis think you have. If you start shooting it might kill the treaty.”
Cameron: “Or Nicolae kills me himself and they're closer than they ever were.”

-

2 hours and 33 minutes, conspiracy recruits new member: Janice, press secretary.
Words to recruitment: 6
We're going to get the bastard.

-

2 hours and 14 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 6
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.12

Jacob: “We could blow it up.”
Cameron: “Blow up what?”
Jacob: “The temple mount, the dome of the rock, the wailing wall, all of it.”
Fitzhugh: “Your solution is terrorism.”
Jacob: “We load up GC1 with explosives and fly it into the temple mount. Israel would never make a deal with the Global Community after that.”
Janice: “The temple mount is made of rock, it would be like flying a plane into a pyramid, it wouldn't do anything.”
Fitzhugh: “Is that true?”
Jacob: “It doesn't matter if it's true. We wouldn't need damage. The image would be enough.”
Janice: “I can't believe we're discussing this.”
Cameron: “It wouldn't work.”
Jacob: “What? Why?”
Cameron: “When Russia attacked their planes were all destroyed at altitude yet the fuel tanks landed on the ground unharmed ripe for harvest. We can't count on getting anything through a supernatural air defense like that.”

-

2 hours and 4 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 13
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.2

Fitzhugh: “How the hell can it be so hard to create an international incident?”
Janice: “Well, we've never tried to cause one on purpose before.”

-

1 hour and 53 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 17
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.265

“Sex scandals take time. We don't have any time.”

-

1 hour and 42 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 19
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.346

Cameron: “We can't get out of this by making Israel look bad. He doesn't care about Israel and doesn't intend to honor the treaty anyway. For him it's a deal with God. I'll play by your rules for seven years, if you give me seven years to build up my army.”
Michael: “So are we fighting God too?”

-

1 hour and 39 minutes, conspiracy recruits new member: Anna, Religion Editor for the Seaboard Monthly
Words to recruitment: 3
He killed Eric.

-

1 hour and 34 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 21
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.56

Anna: “I understand that, but we can't ignore the fact that God is giving us this chance to stop it. He doesn't need to do that. Maybe you could argue that it's some kind of test of faith, but as far as I'm concerned it's simple: God's giving us an opportunity, we should take it.”

-

1 hour and 15 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 25
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.6

Bob: “We could steal it.”
Anatole: “Steal it?”
Bob: “We just start a ruckus somewhere else and snatch the treaty.”
Cameron: “Have you seen the treaty, it's about the shortest treaty in the history of the world. It's one page. They could print off another copy.”
Anna: “Hell, they don't need to print one off, they could write it by hand. 'Next seven years, me no kill you, you no kill me.'”

-

52 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 28
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.8

“We are not firing laser beams from the moon.”
“We couldn't do it in time anyway.” Pause. “What?”

-

48 minutes until planned treaty signing
Conspiracy size: 28
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.85

Fitzhugh: “Are you sure that you don't want a drink?”
Cameron: “How much of it do I have to endure before I'm drunk?”

-

27 minutes to planned treaty signing.
Conspiracy size: 30.
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 1.0

Fitzhugh: “Fuck it.”
Michael: “Sir?”
Fitzhugh: “Fuck it all. If we're going to to this we're going to do it right, so this is the shit we are going to pull.”

-

One hour thirteen minutes after planned treaty signing.
Conspiracy size: as many as would fit on the now hijacked Global Community One which is in flight with Credence Clearwater Revival's Up Around the Bend blaring over the speakers, Nicolae Inn of the Six Mountains having been dropped somewhere over mid Adriatic.
President Fitzhugh swear to sentence ratio: 0.0

Cameron: “Fitz said, 'Wahoo.'”
Anna: “Wahoo?”
Cameron: “Wahoo.”
Anna starts to write something.
Cameron: “That's off the record. Whenever I call the President 'Fitz' iz off the record.”
Anna: “You are such a suck up.”
Cameron: “I'll have you know that I'm,” there was turbulence and Cameron fell over backwards. “I'm the greatest journalist investigative of all time.” He shook his head. “I'm the time investigative journalist of all greatest.” He shook his head again. “I'm the most journalistic investigation of all the greatest.” After a pause he added, “Time.”

-

3 comments:

  1. Wow. This is absolutely incredible. (I'm just glad my roommate was gone before I burst out laughing a few sentences in!) I'm so glad you're posting these snippits here - I have no idea how many of your pieces I've missed, but for this one alone I'd say your site has been totally worth it!

    I think one of my favorite lines is: Fitzhugh: “How the hell can it be so hard to create an international incident?” Janice: “Well, we've never tried to cause one on purpose before.”

    (Though I must say, it is kind of nice to have confirmation that I'm not the only one out there who doesn't like the taste of alcohol. And isn't it quite the miracle - more so than any in the original LB books - that I don't actually mind having something in common with a version of Cameron "Buck" Williams?)

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  2. Wow. I have an on topic comment.

    Thank you.

    I don't like the taste of alcohol either. It seemed like a good reason for him not to drink so I stuck it in there. Also, he's basically an author avatar so I figure that projecting onto him is fair game.

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  3. So I pretty much die laughing every time I read this, and have it bookmarked so that I can read it again at random intervals. Just thought you ought to know.

    Also, happy birthday.

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