Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Left Behind: Who's writing this, anyway?

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.  In response to the idea that the continuity is dependent on who is telling the story though it sort of got sidetracked from that and never really got into in any depth.  The plan was for an artistic piece where the style and such completely shifted based on the character telling it, the result was this.]

Rayford: And then the dashing pilot, who was sexy and manly and looked up to by all, swooped in and saved the day.
Ken: You do realize you're not the one flying this time?
Rayford: Right, forget all that stuff. The pilot was just background.
Ken: I heard that.
Rayford: Buck, you're up.
Buck: We lit the barrel of gas and then I preformed a tricky maneuver that involved spinning the bus one hundred and eighty degrees and bringing it to a complete stop, at the same time, which caused the barrel to fly out of the back, hit the bad guys, and EXPLODE!
Chloe: Um, science.
Buck: Is not in effect because of my powers of manly awesome.
Tsion: (To Chloe) Do you have to deal with this all the time?
Chloe: Pretty much.
Tsion: (To God) What have I done to anger you so, and how might I atone for it and get out of this mess?
Tsion: (To Narrative) I got into the plane without incident.
Buck: And we flew to America.
Ken: The range on a Learjet doesn't actually--
Ken: Fine, to America.
Buck: I walk into the cockpit, which I can do because I'm cool and connected and--
Ken: Chartering my plane.
Buck: and say, "Cap--"
Ken: What the hell?  Am I Steve Rodgers now?
Buck: I can say "Cap," because I'm friends with everyone and thus don't need to remember their names from one page to the next. I can just make up nicknames on the spot. I say, "How are you doing, Cap?"
Ken: Well I'm apparently in a Budweiser commercial, hence the "How ya doin'?" and my main foil is a badly done knock off of the Old Spice man in that like the Old Spice man he thinks continuity is for other people--I'm on a horse--and yet has none of the charm of the Old Spice man.
Chloe: Oh, he's way worse than that.
Buck: "How you doing, Cap?"
Ken: "Much better now that we're in American airspace," which doesn't exist anymore and is too far from our destination for us to reach, "because before..." what's the silliest thing I could say?
Chloe: "Purple elephants are flying"?
Ken: That might be too silly. (To Buck) Let me start over. “A lot better, now that we’re over American air space. I had no idea what you guys got yourselves into,” because, seriously, who expects someone to be on the run from nonexistent governments as a result of the crime of converting to Christianity without a licence? “and who knew what kind of fighter pilots might have been on my tail.”
Chloe: You do realize that--
Ken: All fighters are now part of the Global Community Air Force, which has standardized its forces such that there's only one kind of fighter left in existence? Yup. Also, my jet could never outrun them.
Chloe: Playing for absurdity points?
Ken: Something like that.
Tsion: I commend you for being able to keep your wits about you in this situation, I swear this is Vogon Poetry.
Tsion: Is he serious?
Chloe: Unfortunately.
Tsion: What kind of book have I gotten myself into?
Nicolae: An endangered species? BOOM! A historic site? BOOM! A major metropolitan area? BOOM BOOM!
Buck: You know, that reminds me, World War III is still going on.
Chloe: I thought we dropped that arc.
Buck: This is totally World War III.
Chloe: Even though it isn't a world war and ... why do I even bother?
Buck: I say to Cap--
Ken: My name is KEN.
Buck: I say to Cap, “I don’t think we were worth all that, with World War III going on.”
Chloe: I hack into a secret military death-sat using the skills I picked up in my time at university doing things I've never been at liberty to explain. I target a certain Learjet that's recently entered former-American airspace. I look for the heat signature that's in the cockpit but not flying the plane. I kill that person without harming the others.
God: Divine Right Veto. He's one of the main characters.
Chloe: Would you stay out of this?
God: No.
Chloe: Well then could you be useful?
God: No.
Chloe: I convert the entire congregation of New Hope to Christian socialism and mobilize them to do good works in the world. Also, I get myself a Coke. *pause* (Eyeing God) That ok with you?
God: No one ever notices them anyway, so sure.
Hattie: I have wanton sex and enjoy every minute of it.
Nicolae: BOOM!
Hattie: Just, you know, not with him.
Chloe: Good call.
Rayford: When do I get to fly my fully loaded--
Hattie and Chloe: Extremely phallic.
Rayford: --giant plane. I've let you guys have your fun but it's time for everything to center around me again. This book is about me, me, me.
Chloe: I cannot believe that I share half of my genetics with you. I begin to look into the possibility that I'm some sort of science experiment and thus don't have a shred of genetics in common with either of my so called parents.



  1. This is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.

  2. Thanks for the laughter.

    This reminds me of the comedic D&D quotes that one occasionally runs across when wandering the Internet.

  3. That is lovely! Thank you.

  4. Nice. You really have a gift for this stuff!