Thursday, December 5, 2013

Snarky Twilight: The Start of Chapter 15 (Or, that time Edward stepped into a bear trap)

[Originally posted right here right now]
[Bella has previously pondered getting bear traps as a solution to Edward breaking into her room.]

*the sound of a bear trap being set off*
Edward: Fuck! Oh, god, god, god-
Bella: (groggy, only half awake) Which god do you think would care enough about you to answer?
Edward: How the hell did you get one and set it up so fast? And GET IT OFF!
Bella: (falling back into full sleep) You'll wake Charlie. *long pause* Didn't I tell you to stay out of my room?
Edward: (quickly) I was supposed to stay the full night so I had to come back. (insistently) Now get it off.
Bella: (Mostly asleep, barely audible) I'm not supposed to wake up until sunlight, you're the one who's always saying follow... (And she's asleep)

*Dawn comes and Bella shifts in her sleep to cover her eyes with an arm and keep the light at bay. In spite of the that the muted light of the cloudy day eventually wakes her*
Edward: Bear trap.
Bella: Almost entirely sure that that's not supposed to be your first line.
Edward: Metal mouth on my leg that you have somehow fitted with a complex locking mechanism such that I can't open it and is almost inconceivably strong thus meaning I can't pry it open.
Bella: It is from the 29th century, and also designed to be very humane.  I'm not sure whether that's a plus or a minus.  On the one hand, unlike you I'm not sadistic so you not being in terrible pain all over my room for an extended period is arguably a good thing.  On the other hand, this is you that we're talking about.
Edward: GET IT OFF!
Bella: You'll startle Charlie.
Edward: He left an hour ago — after -- This is not the order the lines are supposed to go in.
Bella: Totally not my fault, home invader.
Edward: (doing his best to maintain a non-asshole tone) Would you please get this thing off my leg?
Bella: If you insist.
*Bella pulls out her sonic screwdriver and deactivates the locking mechanism she installed on the bear trap*
Bella: Now, what was it you wanted to talk about?

[And this is set off on it's own because it has little to do with the substance of what is discussed in the start of Chapter 15 post at Ana Mardoll's but has to be addressed because unlike in canonical Twilight Snarky-Bella wouldn't let Edward spend the night yet he needs to be there to have the conversation in the morning so... the above.  I'll link to the more canon mirroring post when it exists.]
[Added: Next Part Is Here.]



  1. Seems only fair. If he will insist on being a bad guy, he should expect to be treated like one.

  2. That's why I, personally, wouldn't invest in bear traps. I'd prefer something to scare intruders off instead of keeping them in. (Luckily, I'm not, as far as I know, a character in a story, so there's no narrative need for me to keep them in anyway.)

    --- Redcrow

  3. Heh heh, Snarky Bella is the aceist.