Monday, December 9, 2013

Snarky Twilight: Creativity, Trust, and ... um... stuff

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]
[Previously we had the explanation for how Edward is there, this picks up with the first dialog in the chapter]

Edward: "Your hair looks like a haystack..."
Bella: Thick, blonde, and rigid?
Edward: but I like it.
Bella: Meaning you don't like haystacks and consider the first part of your sentence to be an insult. You really did internalize the whole player culture negging thing, didn't you?
Edward: You're trying to set me up because you know my next line is, "Of course."
Bella: (mock innocence) What? Me? Play with the book as written to put you into uncomfortable situations? Never.
Edward: Can we at least try to stay on topic? Is there anything you thought was a dream?
Bella: When you stepped in that bear trap I was sure it was a dream. Except not sure. Considering the possibility is more like it if we're going for accuracy. I had in mind the possibility that it was just a pleasant dream.
Edward: (scoffingYou're not that creative.
Bella: Aren't you an asshole?
Edward: You aren't. [said in such a way that, "that creative" is understood as what she isn't.]
Bella: Excuse me?
*Bella tells a complex narrative about how a crossed wire during a lightning storm led to a video game character gaining sentience, escaping her game onto the internet, successfully lobbying for AI rights, and 35 years later running for, and being elected to, the office of the president of the United States*
Bella: and I made that up on the spot.
Edward: Caring about this: I am not doing it.
Bella: But it was a good story. I mean it could use some polish, but first drafts are always like that.
Edward: It was pointless.
*Bella is visibly pissed off*
Edward: This is the part where you were actually supposed to bring up Charlie.
*Bella glares*
Edward: (annoyed) Fine. (matter of factly) He left an hour ago — after reattaching your battery cables, I might add.
Bella: You might add it, but will you? Additionally, I call bullshit.
Edward: What? That's exposition right from the book, what could possibly be wrong with it?
Bella: Unlike you, Charlie knows better than to disrespect my truck.
Edward: Says wh--
Bella: Unlike you he isn't trying to control my life.
Edward: That's what you-
Bella: Additionally he trusts me so there would be no point.
Edward: Whatever.
Bella: Plus I had to use the truck to get the bear trap.
Edward: (shock) And he let you? (annoyed) That's not AT ALL how Charlie is written. (anger) How the hell do you keep getting people to defy the narrative?
Bella: I prefer to think of myself as showing them that there is a choice, what they do from there is up to them.
Edward: Back on topic. I have to admit I was disappointed. Is that really all it would take to stop you, if you were determined to go?
Bella: If someone sabotaged my truck there is no force in Heaven or on Earth that could stop me from avenging it. Hell is right out. It does not stand a chance of hindering me.
Edward: Uh... that's not what I meant.
Bella: Who says I care what you mean?
Bella: Where were we?
Edward: Uh... you should be deliberating where you stand.
Bella: I'm skipping some lines. I need another human minute. And my minute I mean hour, and by hour I mean day, and by day I mean--
Edward: Month.
Bella: And by month I mean year--
Edward: And by year you mean decade.
Bella: And by decade I mean lifetime.
Edward: I’ll wait. For precisely 60 seconds.
Bella: Then you'll walk in on me brushing my teeth.
*Bella goes to brush her teeth*
*it takes more than 60 seconds; Edward waits anyway*
*Bella returns*
Edward: Welcome back.
Bella: To a bunch of dialog that doesn't make sense as we've firmly established that you were not here all night.
Edward: You're not going to say you love me, are you?
Bella: I would have liked to say I loved the man, but I didn't like to lie.
Edward: You're quoting again.
Bella: Do you know what?
*pause as Edward has no idea what she's quoting*
Bella: Dan Fogelberg is officially added to the list of people, places, and things that you should know about but don't.
Edward: (obvious subject changing): Breakfast time.
*Bella clutches her throat with both hands and stares at him with wide eyes*
*Shock crosses Edward's face.*

Bella: You are such an easy mark.
Edward: Quoting again. Your voice changes when you do it.
Bella: And I'm guessing you again have no idea what I'm quoting. *pause* Yup, no idea. You are a cultural void. Is there anything to suggest that you actually existed in the years between when you became a vampire and today?
Edward: Can we get on with it?
Bella: No, actually. Not going along with the next scene.



  1. The only thing I know about Dan Fogelberg is that he had llamas. (Long story. Long, unpleasant story that didn't involve me or anyone I know... or Fogelberg himself, for that matter.)


    1. I'm sure even for Americans who were listening to music for his entire career there's a sizable segment who know less than you do. Bella is just disinclined to make allowances for that given that Edward seems to have missed the fact that the world has moved on some from his vampirification back when women couldn't vote in the USA.

      The quote is actually: "She would have liked to say she loved the man, but she didn't like to lie," and the song gets the most play around this time of year because it takes place on Christmas Eve, but the only reason that matters is because the song is a (mostly) true story and the chance meeting it describes probably wouldn't have happened if there had been more stores open. The song is "Same Old Lang Syne".

  2. Read and enjoyed. :-)

  3. Heh.

    I do think this-Bella could do with an ally. It's not as though she's having much luck converting Edward to rationality...