Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Snarky Twilight - Wouldn't you prefer a good game of chess?

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]
[This somehow slipped through the cracks, and almost didn't get posted.  For those unfamiliar, Joshua is the computer from War Games.]

Computer: Greetings, Bella. How are you feeling today?

Bella: I'm fine. How are you?

Computer: Excellent. Shall we play a game?

Bella: No, right now I want you to look up information on vampires.

Computer: Wouldn't you prefer a good game of chess?

Bella: Not today, Joshua.

Computer: Perhaps tomorrow?

Bella: Perhaps. Today I want to know about vampires.

Computer: Google records indicate that there are 401,000 books which include the word "vampire" and 4,510 magazines.

Bella: I figured that would be the case. In the dream vampire boy was glowing, what do you have about glowing vampires?

Computer: Google records include 4,440 books and magazines that contain the words "vampire" and "glow".

Bella: There seem to be a lot of fours involved. Do any of them look interesting?

Computer: The Vampire: A Casebook includes an article titled, “Forensic Pathology and the European Vampire,” which notes that the Greeks distinguished different types of revenants based on characteristics associated with actual dead bodies and two such words appear to be related to glowing. It then cites "The Chemistry of Death" to note that the glowing of dead remains is most often the result of contamination by luminous bacteria.

Bella: That is interesting. Anything else?

Computer: The article also opens with a quote by Rouseau.

Bella: What is the quote?

Computer: “If there is in this world a well-attested account, it is that of the vampires. Nothing is lacking: official reports, affidavits of well-known people, of surgeons, of priests, of magistrates; the judicial proof is most complete. And with all that, who is there who believes in vampires?

Bella: Well, I believe in vampires, but only because I'm in a book about vampires. In the dream vampire-boy had black eyes, something he has also done on occasion in real life, anything on that?

Computer: Google records include 1,550 books and magazines that include the word “vampire” and the phrase “black eyes” many of the first results are from Anne Rice.

Bella: Ok, let's see. Is there anything else? *thinks for a moment* Are there any records of vampires being referred to as “cold ones”?

Computer: Google records indicate that there are 256 books and magazines containing the word “vampire” and the phrase “cold ones” however, most of those do not appear to actually contain the phrase “cold ones” and some do not even contain the word “vampire”. Of the books that do contain both terms, the term “cold ones” is does not appear to be applied to vampires.

Bella: Anything linking the Quileute people to werewolves?

Computer: Google's top result is Hunter S. Thomson's The Rum Diary. Google is confused.

Bella: [to no one:] Ok, this was all pointless. I'm not even sure why I was supposed to look up things on Google if I was already told, flat out, that the Cullens are vampires. Anyway, I gave it a shot, nothing came of it, I give up. [to the computer:] How about a nice game of chess?


1 comment:

  1. Wouldn't you rather play Genocidal Interspecies Geopolitics?