Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Snarky Twilight - Chapter 7 Wrap Up

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

Bella: I mostly worked on my essay. Well, that, and communed with nature, and had a dream that included some blatant symbolism and overblown foreshadowing. But the essay is what I'm going to focus on for the moment.
*Mike introduces his face to his hand*
Mike: Oh yeah -- that's due Thursday, right?
Bella: I don't actually know for sure, but I'm going to say Wednesday.
Mike: That's not good. What are you writing yours on?
Bella: Are you planning on stealing my ideas?
Mike: Come on, just tell me.
Bella: I'm preforming a statistical analysis on the frequency of verbs used as broken down by gender and then compared to the works of other contemporary authors in an effort to see how Shakespeare compares to the standards of his time with respect to misogyny.
*Mike stares a Bella as if she just spoke medieval Italian*
Mike: I guess I’ll have to get to work on that tonight. *sad pause* I was going to ask if you wanted to go out.
Bella: Oh?
Mike: Well we could go out for dinner or something... and I could work on it later.
Bella: Mike.
Mike: Yes, Bella?
Bella: When was the last time that we had a conversation that wasn't ruined by the awkwardness produced by you trying to convince me to go out with you in spite of my singular lack of interest in such a thing?
Mike: I... uh... well...
Bella: And how many times have I turned you down?
Mike: I've lost count.
Bella: Me too.
Mike: So that's a-
Bella: And what part of, "You creepy bastard, I don't want to go out with you," do you not understand?
Mike: Mostly the part where I'm creepy. I'm pretty sure that I act well within the standards of my-
Bella: That's part of the problem. Stop acting like Edward.
Mike: Is that it, you want to go out with Edward instead of me?
Bella: No. I don't want to go out with you because I think you're an ass. In the absence of Edward, you'd still be an ass.
Mike: But, Bella...
Bella: Ok, fine, how about this? For reasons that defy all comprehension, Jessica seems quite taken with you, so I don't want to hurt her feelings because all things considered I value her friendship a lot more than I value the time I've spent with you.
Mike: Really? Because Jessica told me that I was being a condescending ass and she wouldn't be interested in me unless I reformed.
Bella: Did she indeed?
Mike: Yeah.
*Bella smiles*
Bella: Pretty sure that's not in the script. I'm proud of her. Now go away. *looks at watch* Actually, I have to go away, it's time for class.
Jessica: Bella? Are you alright?
Bella: I don't know. Do I look like "Desolation hit me with crippling strength"?
Jessica: What does that even mean?
Bella: I have no idea, but it's in the text.
Jessica: I thought you were ignoring the text.
Bella: I was thinking that if I rewarded it when Edward was away, and rebelled against it when Edward was close by, maybe it would eventually create a Pavlovian association which might eventually lead to the text trying to keep Edward away from me more often.
Jessica: Could that actually work?
Bella: I have no idea, but I figured it was worth a try. I'm just worried that being so happy that Edward isn't here will show through when I'm supposed to be looking down and gloomy and whatnot.
Jessica: Well don't worry, you look whatnot and gloomy and down.
*Bella tries not to smile*
Bella: Thanks.
*Bella sits next to Angela, Jessica next to Mike, who appears to be making a small effort to be less of an ass*
Angela: So how goes the paper?
Bella: It's done.
Angela: Did you have any problems collecting the data?
Bella: Some. It was just plain tedious so finally I just asked Joshua to do the data collection for me. I figure that if I have a computer that can analyze language I might as well make use of him for language analysis.
Angela: Makes sense. Did you use him for the comparison as well?
Bella: I used him to compute the figures I used for the comparison, but the actual contrasting and comparing I did on my own.
Angela: Sounds good.
Bella: Are you going to ask about my conclusion?
Angela: Not right now.
*Bella and Charlie are watching television together*
Bella: You don't like this.
Charlie: True.
Bella: I don't like this.
Charlie: Also true.
Bella: Why are we watching this?
Charlie: Because to find something that we both like would require us to communicate in some way and further serve as a point of commonality over which we both might bond, that in turn would create a sense of connection between us that could eventually lead to us caring about one another which would be problematic when the time came for you to leave me forever without so much as warning me that you'll never be coming back.
Bella: So the crappy quality of our relationship is a matter of narrative convenience?
Charlie: Pretty much. Did you want popcorn?
Bella: No.
Bella: How do you feel about playing chess?
Charlie: Not a big fan.
Bella: Connect four?
Charlie: Nope.
Bella: Checkers?
Charlie: Not really in the mood.
Bella: I have a go board that was carved in the 13th century by a monk from 2052 who became stranded when his trans-flux capacitor short circuited as a result of comet dust getting into the workings. He spent five years there earning a living doing wood carving while trying to reconnect with his heritage before I arrived with the tools he needed to fix his time machine. He gave me the board as a thank you and I've never had a chance to play a game on it. How you would you like a nice game go?
Charlie: That sounds good to me.
(later, talking while playing)
Bella: So Jessica and Angela asked me to go dress shopping with them tomorrow night.
Charlie: Dress shopping?
Bella: For the dance.
*Charlie examines the board carefully*
Charlie: This would be the dance you're not going to?
*Charlie places his piece*
Bella: That's the one.
*Bella and Charlie quickly place half a dozen pieces in turn, then the pace reverts to the mean*
Charlie: You are aware that it's a school night, right?
Bella: I'm ahead on my work and I'll be back in time for a full night's sleep.
Charlie: And you're planning to stay with them while you're there?
Bella: Yes, why?
Charlie: Because they know which parts of the city are safe.
Bella: I'm the narrator, I'll be fine.
Charlie: Bad things happen to narrators all the time.
Bella: This book isn't going to win a Newbery Medal.
Charlie: Of course not. That's for children's books, this is young adult.
Bella: How about you, will you be ok for food?
Charlie: I would assume so, I didn't starve to death in the 17 years I was on my own.
Bella: That may be true, but do you have any idea how you managed that feat?
Charlie: No, it's not in the book.
Bella: I'll make you some sandwiches.
Charlie: Is that really necessary? I know I'm supposed to be a bad cook but what are the odds I can't make sandwiches?
Bella: What are the odds I can't walk across a flat surface?
Charlie: Ok, but I honestly feel uneasy about you having to do all the food preparation.
Bella: Well then I'll teach you some time.


[Snarky Twilight Index]

1 comment:

  1. This almost makes me want to read the original so that I can get your references.

    Almost. Don't worry.