So an interesting thing happens when you stop making posts on a blog, you get fewer and fewer people coming to visit.
About the only thing blog related that I've been doing is checking to see if anyone new commented and looking at the stats while doing so. Thus most of what I've been doing is noticing the completely understandable decline in traffic. (Honestly I would have expected it to drop off much faster.)
I've meant to do more. I wanted to finally return to Deus Ex, and start on the next episode of .hack//Sign, I've been thinking about returning to some posts that I started long ago, perhaps some of them from last year, and then never got around to finishing. I'd like to write some more fiction, though I'm not sure what.
I've just been tired.
My steps are unsteady tired. Frequently balance with the help of walls tables and chairs tired. Seems like if I close my eyes I might collapse into sleep even though I'm standing up tired. Can have trouble keeping my eyes open tired. My muscles seem to wear out if I try to stay standing and if I sit I can't be sure I'll be able to make myself get back up again tired. Really fucking tired.
I don't know the last time I did schoolwork. Wish I could say it was recently. It was supposed to be today. Today was my last chance to make up for the total lack of progress yesterday and the day before. There's no time tomorrow. Maybe I'll manage to accomplish something in what remains of the day, but me writing this is basically me admitting that's unlikely at best, otherwise I'd be trying to do it now instead of this.
This coming week is the second to last week of classes (and after that finals week) I'm not fucking enrolled yet. Plus, I have an incomplete from last semester that absolutely needs to be done by the end of this one or it becomes a failing grade. I'd like to work on it, but I'm so damned tired I can't seem to think. Or focus. Or accomplish anything.
In writing this there are giant pauses where I don't think, or act, or do much of anything, I just engage in the act of being tired. Sometimes that involves putting my head in my hand.
I've noticed that my ability to compose text has suffered, and not just that the previous sentence almost ended with “hand in my head.” The wrong words come. Sometime homophones, sometimes the wrong form of the right word, sometimes things that seem to make no such sense. I'm guessing it can be blamed on being tired.
Not entirely sure what the problem is, but damn am I tired.
Tried to look into seeing if I could get health insurance through the state. They sent me a letter saying they needed a psyche eval. Makes sense. My problem is psychological.
Two of the three pages they sent me listed a deadline. They were not the same deadline. One was Wednesday, the other Friday. What they were entirely unclear about is what the deadline is for. Is it for telling them whether I'm going to try to get one, or for actually having one scheduled?
Because I'm seeing a psychologist on Friday and that would seem an ideal person to ask, “Hey, can you preform a psyche eval on me?” But Friday is either the day of the deadline or two days late, so if I need to have an appointment scheduled by the deadline then instead of waiting to ask I should be scrambling to find a doctor, any doctor, who will be willing to set me up for an appointment.
I called them up in the morning last Friday to ask what the deadline was for, got no response. If it turns out that I need an appointment scheduled by then then, regardless of whether “then” is Wednesday or Friday, I think I'm screwed. The only reason why asking when I see the psychologist might work is that it doesn't require much effort, I can ask while I'm there anyway, which is something that can be done while tired. And I am damn tired.
Of course if the psychologist says no, he can't do that, then I'm equally screwed. I don't see why they couldn't make clear what they were saying in the letter. I don't see why they couldn't pick one date and stick with it either.
If I miss the deadline, whatever the deadline is, then they'll make their determination using the most recent records, which are largely dental in nature. In the past five years I think the only evaluations I've had are a single physical, some blood work, and dental checkups. Possibly longer. I have no fracking clue when the last time I was with someone capable of evaluating my psychiatric health.
Random bit of information you probably already know. The PSYCH in things like psychology or psychiatry means soul (which is then used to mean mind, but bear with me.) Psychology is the study or science of the soul. Psychiatry it the medicine of the soul. The word Psychiatry literally breaks down to Soul-Doctor-AbstractNoun (Psych-iatr-y).
Why do I bring this up? No real reason, I've just thought for ages that there's an underappreciation of the fact that some people walk around with titles that mean things that could be translated as, say, “soul mender” or “one who studies souls.”
Also, my wold processing program has now decided that if I type in “sou” that probably means that I want to type “soul-Doctor.” At the very least, that's what it suggests.
(Honestly I would have expected it to drop off much faster.)ReplyDelete
Before I learned of the joys of RSS, I was known to check sites daily or almost-daily for over a year of inactivity to see if they'd posted anything new. At least once there was actually a post after that long (with a note at the beginning about how they couldn't believe there were still people there).
No real reason, I've just thought for ages that there's an underappreciation of the fact that some people walk around with titles that mean things that could be translated as, say, “soul mender” or “one who studies souls.”
I'm pretty sure I knew all the pieces of this before, but never put them together to think this.
Not entirely sure what the problem is, but damn am I tired.
Is this the sort of thing one says "Get well soon" for? I think it is. Get well soon.
Is this the sort of thing one says "Get well soon" for? I think it is.Delete
I think you're probably right about that.
Get well soon.
I shall try.
I was known to check sites daily or almost-daily for over a year of inactivity to see if they'd posted anything new.
I have been known to do that as well.
This sort of tiredness sounds like one of the classical symptoms of a major depression. Which doesn't get anything done about it, though it may slightly help in that you may not have two completely separate things wrong with you.ReplyDelete
Depression is just as much an illness as a broken leg. The problem is, lots of people still expect you to be able to walk upstairs.