Saturday, November 19, 2011

Snarky Twilight - Lunch with Edward

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

Jessica: I'm talking, I'm talking, I'm talking.
Bella: I'm ignoring you, I'm ignoring you, I'm ignoring you.
Jessica: Edward isn't at his table.
Bella: I know, I'm just going to have lemonade and sulk.
Jessica: You do that a lot, do you ever actually eat?
Bella: I don't know, I'm pretty damned hungry because I skip so many meals. I'm thinking that when the author isn't looking I'm going to have a steak or two.
Jessica: Edward is staring at you again. He does that a lot.
Bella: I thought he wasn't at his table.
Jessica: He isn't. He's at someone else's table.
Bella: How could there be an empty table for him to move to?
Jessica: I think that table belonged to freshmen, he probably scared them all away.
Bella: How?
Jessica: Death threats would be my guess. Why is he beckoning to you?
Bella: I have no idea, earlier today he insulted me and my truck-
Jessica: But you love that truck.
Bella: I do love that truck.
Jessica: That would be like when the Klingons insulted the Enterprise in front of Scotty.
Bella: Good episode.
Jessica: One of the best.
Bella: Anyway, after the initial volley, and during the main sequence of the insult fest he convinced me to let him take me on my trip to Seattle.
Jessica: Are you sure that's a good idea?
Bella: I'm pretty sure it's not, but do what the plot demands.
Jessica: I'm glad I'm not a main character.
Bella: I'd better go. If anyone asks, and that includes you, I'm officially speculating that he needs help with biology homework.
Jessica: Because that makes so much sense.
Bella: I didn't write the line, I just recited it.
Jessica: I'm definitely glad I'm not a main character.

[Bella walks over to Edward's table]
Edward: Why don't you sit with me today?
Bella: Would you prefer this be alphabetic or chronological?
Edward: Sit.
Bella: I'm thinking about making an annotated bound copy of my dissertation of why I shouldn't sit with you.
Edward: Sit damn it!
Bella: What if I say, "No"?
Edward: You have to sit. I beckoned, you came, I said sit, you have to sit. That's how it works.
Bella: You're forgetting your place. You don't control me, the narrative does. I may have to do what the book says I do, but I sure as hell don't have to do it on your schedule.
Bella: [sits] and I'm not convinced that the narrative has total control. I'm looking into possibilities.
Bella: Rail spike. [Edward flinched.] Now then, what did you want?
Edward: Well . . . I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.
Bella: First, you're well on your way. If you're worried about not making the cut, let me lay any fears to rest. You've definitely proven that you have the qualifications to be accepted into that prestigious institution. Second, I have no idea what you mean by that in this particular context.
Edward: I know.
Bella: So it's not that you suck at communication, it's that you're being an ass. Good to know.
Edward: I think your friends are angry with me for stealing you.
Bella: Livestock gets stolen. I'm not a pet goat. They're probably worried for me because I'm sitting with the biggest jerk in all of school. Anyway, they'll survive. Get on with it.
Edward: I may not give you back.
Bella: There's your mistake: thinking you have a choice in the matter. I'm not property. Now, like I said, get on with it. Why did you want me here?
Edward: I told you -- I got tired of trying to stay away from you. So I'm giving up.
Bella: Giving up? Giving up what? And for how long? Is this Lent? I thought it was-
Edward: I'm serious.
Bella: I'm not. I don't think I could stand to be serious. This story would be soul crushing if I took it seriously, and you're a big part of that you bastard. Now then, what are you giving up?
Edward: Giving up trying to be good.
Bella: You been trying to [breaks down laughing]
Edward: Yes, I've been trying.
Bella: You've been doing a really crappy job of it.
Edward: This is serious.
Bella: Yes it is. You seriously suck at being good. A mediocre villain I could understand, but this is you trying to be good? You suck, and I'm not referring to your fangs or any other of the vampirey things you do a ludicrously bad job of hiding.
Edward: We're perfectly good at hiding what we are [Bella laughs] and I did not suck at being good. I was doing a great job.
Bella: Please, you sucked like a Dyson.

And so on.



  1. I like this! Meta-Bella actually had me grinning and feeling sympathy and so on here. :)

  2. I like this!

    Glad to hear it. Thanks for saying so.