Thursday, February 13, 2014

Snarky Twilight: Snarky Bella summarizes canon Twilight through chapter 15

[Originally posted at Ana Mardolls Ramblings in two back to back posts here, and here.]
[In response to, "Wow, are we really 15 chapters into this? I keep feeling like nothing has happened yet."]

*Summoning Snarky Bella*
Recap please.
Bella: My story, or the story the author wrote?
The second.
Bella: I left home and came to Forks. I met some people and eventually learned their names. Whiter than white people who make albinos look pigmented, but have normal hair colors, changing eyecolor, and dark purple marks under their eyes that look like bruises or really, really bad bags under the eyes attracted my attention.
Bella: Every procedure for school safety or medical non-malpractice was violated in an implausible and impossible incident that allowed Edward to save my life.
Bella: That was Chapter 3. Then I was shunned by Edward, asked to the girl's choice dance by a succession of 3 boys, pressured into letting him drive me to Seattle which he would later pressure me out of going to, met natives-used-as-a-plot-device, and near raped in Port Angeles.
Bella: That finishes Chapter 8.
Bella: Nothing of note happened for several chapters, and now I'm meeting the absurdly white people from Chapter 1. Chapter 15.
Bella: So, in summary, In Chapter 1 I saw people who interested me. Now in Chapter 15 I finally get to say, "Hi." That is the whole of the story so far.

[a pause]

Bella: The truly sad part is that there could have been stuff that happened. Meeting the native people could have been interesting and complex, but they turned out to exist in the story only to communicate one piece of information. The attempted assault at Port Angeles could be the topic for an entire book, but it was just presented as worthless filler more about Edward's feelings than about what happened. Thus the entire book so far boils down to:
Charlie: Hello, have truck.
Book: Meet Eric, Tyler, Mike, and Jessica. Jessica is the least of these.
Lauren: What about me?
Book: You come later fish eyes.
Van: DIE!
Edward: (to van) No.
Edward: (to Bella) Screw off.
Three boys: Dance with me.
Edward: (to Bella) I changed my mind.
Jacob: He's a vampire
Bad guys: We're scary.
Edward: (to bad guys) No.
Meadow: I exist.
Edward: Meet my family.
Reader: That was 15 Chapters?
Bella: The end result is that everything that could have been interesting is instead used as filler for the the time between Chapter 1 First Sight (of the Cullens) and Chapter 15 (Meet) The Cullens.
Bella: The same amount of story could have been done --without embracing abuse, racism, and rape culture while simultaneously dismissing those things as no big deal-- if I'd walked over and said, "Hello," in Chapter 1.


1 comment:

  1. A girl? Take the initiative? Let's keep things plausible with the centuries-old secret vampires, please.