Sunday, February 2, 2014

Movie's that can't live up to their titles: Wolf of Wallstreet

Wolf of Wall Street.  Think about that.  What should a movie with that name be about?

The werewolf who is after the corrupt bankers who have escaped legal repercussions for their civilization shaking crimes.

Really that's all you need to know to know what would be a much better movie than whatever it actually is about.

A werewolf on Wall Street presents an interesting conundrum, at first the people would be all, "We have to stop these grisly murders / We must slay this inhuman beast," but when the werewolf stayed on Wall Street eventually the thoughts would turn to, "Is anyone really going to miss these people?"  "Isn't that severed head the guy who raided my pension fund to give himself a bonus then had the company declare bankruptcy?" "Isn't this victim the one one who foreclosed on my house even though I never did business with the bank in question and didn't even have a mortgage?" and finally the thoughts might settle on, "Is anyone even going to miss any of these people?"

I mean it's not even the 1% it's like the 0.1%.  99.9 percent of the population will probably do better off without them, especially when their horded wealth starts recirculating in the economy.  Even their funerals should stimulate jobs as people pay for 10,000 dollar flower arrangements and such and whoever manages to pull of that trick then goes and spends the money, which gives it to other people, and so on.

The economy will get better and better, banking will get less and less evil, and when it's all over werewolves are just werewolves.  Nothing says they have to eat people.  We can feed them sheep.

Really it's just the market's way of balancing out an overabundance of corruption.


And then this brings up, "You are an evil, evil person.  You have been sentenced to death by werewolf."
Sneering: "Where are you going to find one of those?"
"See the guy standing next to me?  See how his hair seems to be growing.  Notice his nose, and indeed the whole of his face under it elongating?  See how the ears are repositioning..."


One imagines a police barricade:

Officer: Sorry, you can't go through here.
Random person: Why?
Officer: There are werewolves.
Random Person: Werewolves.
Officer: Yes.  Wall Street is crawling with them.
Random Person: Well aren't you going to do anything about them?
Officer: Well... we did order some silver bullets but...
Random Person: But what?
Officer: Well they're not disrupting traffic on Broadway or FDR Drive, and so far they haven't gone north to Pine Street or South as far as exchange so the situation seems to be contained.
Random Person: But werewolves!
Officer: On Wall Street.  Yes.  And, be honest, can you imagine a better place for werewolves to be?
Random Person: ...
Officer: Besides, do you know how much silver bullets cost in this economy?  Unless they start going after people who matter, say bricklayers, or dockworkers --
Random Person: You can't seriously be judging people's worth by what they do for a living.
Officer: You're right.  If they went after someone important, someone with intrinsic value, like say unemployed homeless people --you know, someone who will be missed-- then we'd intervene but right now we really can't afford to fire the silver bullets.  It's just not cost effective.
Random Person: Then why do you even have them.
Officer: As insurance, in case the werewolves start doing something bad.


  1. The obvious parallel is vampires, as the self-proclaimed aristocrats leeching off actual productive people. At which point Kate Beckinsale in a black leather trenchcoat becomes almost inevitable.

  2. There is "Wolves of Wall Street",, but I think yours sounds better.