Tuesday, February 4, 2014

An update, possible goodbye, possible hiatus, possible I don't know what the fuck

I said, "I may have to just give up."

The computer that died was able to be resurrected, it wasn't easy.  When unseen water + electricity created internal zapping it corrupted the very software needed for start up I couldn't even get far enough to attempt to fix things but it calmed down a bit, I was able to attempt to fix things, first try failed, second try succeeded.

So I have a computer with internet, sort of.

Here is the state of things right now:

  1. I have no idea if the computer will stay resurrected, or how long it will stay that way for if it does.  (right now I don't even know if it will restart if I shut it down.)
  2. It was never that stable to begin with, if the accident caused any additional problems then it may become useless.
  3. The internet connection, which is why I use this soundless unstable computer as my primary seems to have gotten worse as a result of the accident.  Right now it's only turning itself off at random and can be turned back on, but pasted experience tells me that this can be a precursor to total connection to the internet failure.
  4. After putting all spare money toward paying down the Discover Card because believe it or not the tiny percent cash back is something that's important to me since I do live at the margin of total collapse and any little bit helps, I got a letter telling me that I don't have a Discover Card.  Here's the new information: the letter was accurate and there's nothing anyone can do to change that.
  5. That means that I have no money.  Well, almost no money.  I was planning on paying for everything needed during the month on credit.  The only money I do have is money that someone donated after I paid toward the card so to the person who said she had to wait to donate: Your donation represents my only money for the month.  Hopefully I can scrape by on that, but figuring out how will mean I probably won't have much energy to devote to blogging.
  6. I'm probably going to be spending much of my time talking to Consumer Financial Protection Bureau because while some of what Discover did is completely legitimate (no one can blame them for canceling the card after the wire transfer fucked up) other parts are extremely suspect.
  7. My credit history probably just went to shit because part of it is how long your lines of credit stay open for.  They closed it before my first payment was due.  That's pretty fucking short.
  8. I need a new computer.

That last one needs some expanding on.  I've needed a new computer for ages.

Not a used computer that's working fine when given but then starts to break down fast and has nothing much I can do about it.  Though to both of the people who did that, those are my primary and secondary computers.  Without you I would have been forced to stop blogging a long time ago.

Not a refurbished computer that whoever refurbished it assures me is as good as new.

I need a new fucking computer.  Preferably with a warranty.  An extended warranty if possible.

And it has to be a laptop.  I can't blog from a desktop.  Where I blog, when I blog, when I hate the word blog because it sounds like an unpleasant bodily function and I think that if two letters were going to be taken out of weblog they should have been the og at the end not the we at the front IT IS ALL DONE FROM A PLACE OTHER THAN A DESKTOP.

That's annoying because desktops are cheaper.  A lot cheaper.  A new laptop would cost hundreds or thousands.  Presumably hundreds because the idea I could pay thousands is absurd.

The idea I could pay at all is absurd.

If I had more money I'd use it to survive the month.

More than that and I'd use it to pay down my debts somewhat.

More than that and I'd use it to pay down ALL THE DEBTS.

More than that and I'd use it for tuition and to finally get my schoolbooks.

More than that and maybe, maybe, I'd spend it on a computer.


Lonespark suggests that people reading the blog might have somewhat different priorities and thus might be more concerned about getting me a computer that will allow me to keep on writing the blog than, say, paying down my debts.

Normally I might agree.

But this would be the fourth time I'd be begging for money in, I think, three months.  Definitely not more than four months.  So three or four months.

I am so grateful there are not words for every single donation in each of the last three financial crises I faced.  Three of them, unrelated unless I'm forgetting details, and you the readers came through every time and did it unbelievably.

But you're not an endless spring of money to be tapped whenever something goes wrong.  You're people with your own lives and your own problems and your own needs and I think you probably need your money for yourselves or your own causes.

I've already been given, no strings attached, more than I could possibly deserve.  I'm not asking again.  Not so soon.

Which means that I don't know what happens to the blog.  The internet connection on this computer is getting more unstable even as I type it.

The blog goes dark, I guess.  Whether it turns on again depends on whether I can get enough money together to return to blogging.

Like I said in the previous post.  I may have to just give up.


Of course, there may be people who want to help even though I'm not asking for it this time, that's why the donate button was put there in the first place.  So people could, of their own accord, and without being asked, donate.

If you are such a person, first off I urge you to consider if you really should.  This is four problems in three or four months, that's got to be a sign of some kind.  It's not your job to be my lifeline, it's your job to live your life well.

If you still want to donate then this is my promise to you:

  1. If you attach a note that says "To help you through the month" that is the only thing I'll use your donation for.
  2. If you attach a note that says, "To buy a new computer," that is the only thing I'll use your donation for.
  3. If you attach a note that says, "To buy a glass armonica," there is no way in fucking hell I'll ever be able to afford one.  I'll take it under advisement but probably use your money for something else.
  4. If you just want to give me money to use as I see fit, if you attach a note I'll still read it and if you don't I'll still take it.
But that's it.  That's the situation.  That's my update.  This may be goodbye.


Also I think that I've decided that this idea (see also) should be in Boston or a Boston-like place.


  1. As a note: if you're looking into computers, look into netbooks or chromebooks. They're a fraction of the cost of a full-scale laptop, and they're designed to basically do internet and not much else, but for blogging purposes that might fit your needs.

    As for your credit score, it might actually go up a little: average age of open lines of credit is factored in, and since this one is now closed, that makes your average a little older. creditkarma.com can tell you for sure for free once the reports are all in for the month.

    I hope things work out for you! I don't have any money either right now or I'd donate :(

    1. Mostly for deconstruction reasons I need a DVD drive. When I was able to do decons of .hack semi-regularly it was because I was able to do them, say, on a bus. Can't watch a DVD on a netbook. Also CD drive for Deus Ex, but that can be gotten around (I've done it before.)

  2. What do you need in a laptop? What sort of specs?

    1. That question assumes so much more technical knowledge than I have.

      DVD/CD drive, enough memory to handle my compulsive picture taking (damn gigabytes fill up so fast) wifi that's not going to crap out. Most stuff I need comes standard now: USB and SD capable, can hook into a monitor cable to be used with a tv is nice, standard three audio jacks, appreciable battery life. A processing speed that isn't going to lag me into losing my sanity.

      (If it had an SD card reader and the wireless hadn't died, the computer that would be primary by default is so slow as to be infuriating.)

      And one of the biggest things for me has nothing to do with the specs: new and under warranty. I've reached by breaking point with computers that are getting too old and having parts break down due to entropy. I've reached my breaking point with, "Well X broke, maybe I can get a for-parts instance of the same model and swap out X."

      My calm has been damaged. I need a computer that can work for me without me having to worry that it's prior use will cause it to break down AND one where I know if it does stop working I can get someone else to fix it.

      I seriously have no idea if when I turn this computer off it will ever turn on again. (And fuck I never got around to backing up the contents today.) If it doesn't:
      1 I can't afford to fix it.
      2 Even if I could, the money spent fixing it would be better spent toward a new computer.

  3. I've already been given, no strings attached, more than I could possibly deserve.

    To this I say,
    1. Bullshit. It's not a matter of deserving, and if it were you would have so, so much.
    2. If there are strings attached I don't think it's really a gift.

  4. I second Lonespark. Even if it was a matter of deserving, know this: as a sentient being, you deserve to have a family that doesn't suck, and an honest chance at education and earning a living, and decent healthcare and support. Few of us get that, but if you want to talk about deserving, that's the baseline.

    On top of that there's all the writing you've given everybody for free. If people decide to give you a bit of compensation for that, it sort of implies they think you deserve it.

    Here's hoping you can (and do) stick around.

    (J. Random Scribbler)

    1. Yes yes THIS. Well put, J. Random Scribbler. You're not making anyone do anything; you're giving them/us information and providing the opportunity to help if possible, in gratitude and in support of your future efforts.

  5. I'm sorry that I can't help. Hope that things will change for the better for you. I don't want to say goodbye.


  6. You're not making anyone do anything; you're giving them/us information and providing the opportunity to help if possible

    Ok then, some more information. The computer I'm using now seems to be able to turn off and on ok. That's a win. I'm more concerned about the internet. It may be dying since the spill. But more than that I'm completely fucking ... I don't know, it's not exactly depressed or disillusioned. Like the wind was blown out of me.

    If anyone wants to know what can help with that: a new computer. I didn't describe everything in the post above. A lot of it has do with hope and having it shattered.


    I've been putting up with computers that only partially work for ages now and the effect is cumulative. In the beginning, years ago, it was no big deal. But the same problems over and over again end up being emotionally worse and worse as the time drags on. Every so often screaming at things might let off steam but it just builds up and builds up and it doesn't sound like much but you just want to curl up in a ball and give up on everything because the problems never end.

    A big part of the money that I dumped into the Discover-Card-that-doesn't-actually-exist-in-reality was intended to be used to buy a computer. I was so fucking hopeful, I just have to make it to February and I'll have a computer that actually works. That's why I wanted to pay with a credit card rather than directly. Cash back on toilet paper is basically nothing, cash back on something like a computer can add up to something.

    Now that money is gone. It had to be paid eventually anyway, but eventually was "some time in the next 18 months." Doesn't help me much now. No computer for me.

    Hope fucking shattered. Even thinking about writing a new blog post just reminds me about that.

    Except... except after I put this up I got a couple of donations that make me think maybe I can get a new computer after all. But it would only be if more people donate, either a lot of people with small donations or a few people with big ones (or some combination of the two) and not only is that something I have no control over, it's also something that seems unlikely because the well has to run dry at some point.

    But if people want to know what would help me get back to blogging sooner rather than god knows when if ever. Help me pay for a laptop, a decent one with a DVD drive so I can finally do some more .hack posts, and a warranty for that laptop.

    Hopes would be unshattered.

    I don't even know how old I was the last time I had a new computer. It seems like it's always been, "Well maybe if I take this apart and swap this with that, and say a prayer, and give up on wireless, and pray to another pantheon, and accept that the mouse will not work the way it's supposed to and it'll take me three tries to click on anything, and pray to a third pantheon... this might work."

    The MacGyver aspect does eventually get old and it becomes much more of, "How can I make this shit semi-functional for a little while longer?"

    1. On the plus side, hope isn't as shattered as it seemed to be. Initially it looked like not only would I not be able to get a new computer, but I'd have NO computer. Even if the internet does give out on this, as it looks like it may, it'll still have its uses.