Part of it is no doubt that I have money problems. Remember the dentistry? Remember how I asked for money because I didn't have enough to pay for it? I am grateful to those who donated, and I have nothing against those who didn't (I'm sure you all have better things to do with your money than give it to me), but I never did get enough to pay for it so I'm still under that debt as well as others. That leaves me in a near constant state of "I have to make money" but never actually doing anything toward that end because I freeze up.
I had hoped that getting on disability would allow me to not be in financial distress which would in turn allow me to actually accomplish things rather than freeze up which would in turn (it's like dominoes, each thing sets up the next) allow me to get off of disability and support myself. Instead I almost immediately had the root canal thing hit me and all of my money and more is accounted for.
Part of it is no doubt school. This semester most of my classes (three out of four) are me retaking things I've already taken in order to replace bad grades with better ones. On the one hand this means I've been exposed to the material before. On the other hand... it means I've been exposed to the material before. There's this one homework assignment. I have to do it today. I thought it was due last week so I've had it on my mind for quite a while and the fact that it's not done as of last week should show you how the pressure of a deadline isn't helping me much.
The problem is that it requires me to watch and respond to a video that I've already seen. The video was boring and somewhat painful the first time. It's about how not to fuck up as a hearing student of sign language interacting with deaf people. It does this mostly by showing situations and three possible ways to respond to them, thus two fuck ups for every one thing right. It's like cringe comedy without the comedy. And I say that as someone who never found cringe comedy funny in the first place.
In addition to being painful to watch, there's the added problem that having seen the video before I know on some level (less than a thing remembered, more than a fleeting feeling) what the right answer is. So it's hard to have a reaction to it. Of course it's the right answer. What is there to say beyond, "Exactly what I thought it would be, for the reasons I thought it would be that"?
Also I'm ineligible for further financial aid from the government. I don't remember if I've mentioned this before, so I'll recap. Everything checks out except the number of credits I've already tried to earn. It's too many. If not for the classes I failed on account of mental health it wouldn't be, but it is. So I have to pay for school out of pocket and I haven't done that and I don't really have a way to do that. Just sort of a hail Mary that maybe I can scrape the money together (and pay the late fees) somehow before the semester's end. So more financial distress. Yay. But school pays for my psychologist and psychiatrist and I need them both.
Part of it is no doubt sleep. I haven't been getting it nearly as well as I should be. I'm going to have to talk to my psychiatrist about that because one of my medications causes utter insomnia in me (and is the only thing in the history of ever to deal with my depression) while another one counterbalances it in both theory and practice but hasn't been doing it as well as it should lately. (Without it I don't sleep at all, but lately with it I don't sleep well. So suboptimalness there.)
After that we get into things that do have doubt. Only three no doubts.
I'm sorry that I haven't been posting new material. I'd really like to. But that requires making it first and I've been kind of failing on that score.