Sunday, October 9, 2016

"One does not simply walk into Mordor" "Of course not, you do necessary preparations first."

[This popped into my head, mostly the gas masks and slightly later the spider repellent.  Lonespark said I should write it right now.]

One does not simply walk into Mordor.

Of course not, one walks in having done all of the preparations.

Its Black Gates are guarded by more than just Orcs.

Adding spider repellent to the shopping list.

There is evil there that does not sleep,

Sleeping medicine so we can bribe the insomniac evil, check.

and the Great Eye is ever watchful.

Invisibility cloaks, Visine, and fire extinguishers.  Got it.

It is a barren wasteland,

We'll have to carry enough provisions to last the whole trip.  Ok.

riddled with fire

I'm, making a note not to wear flammable clothing.

and ash and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume.

Gas masks that don't get clogged by particulate matter.  We can do that.

Not with ten thousand men could you do this.

So we have to use a small force that doesn't face the same problems as an army.

It is folly.

Oh, nonsense, we just need to do some shopping first.

* * *

Also this, which I found when I was looking for the exact quote:

Also, apparently when Google maps walking directions were still in beta and it always gave you that warning in a yellow box, it had a special one if the destination was Mordor:

Walking directions are still in beta.
Use caution - One does not simply walk into Mordor

The usual warning was "Use caution - This route may be missing sidewalks or pedestrian paths."


  1. Thinking about moving around in volcanic areas reminded me of childhood visit to Mr. Bromo

    So now I am hopeful that local orcs or enterprising Haradrim may be able to build a viable tourist industry involving donkey rides to catch the sunrise over the vestigial caldera of Mt. Doom.

  2. Turns out that there's a Mordor Lane a few miles from my house. They estimate it would take about three hours to simply walk into Mordor.

  3. The weirdest thing to me is that the only part of Mordor that sucks is the part facing the Free Peoples' territory; supposedly, there are huge farms just past the volcano where orcs make food for the troops. That's a fascinating, and somewhat insane, idea, really. Orc farmers.