Wednesday, June 5, 2013

MZAT, Part how-the-fuck-should-I-know?: Moving

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

Time passed as time does but it was impossible to comprehend or track. It seemed like I'd only been there moments, it felt like I'd been there years. The seconds stretched out, the hours shrank down, the days did both at once. The problem could presumably be solved by looking at my watch, but I wore it palm-side, and my left arm lay limply on the ground, palm down. To see the time I'd have to lift my arm.
Too much effort.
So the time continued to pass at whatever pace it felt like. My eyes were out of focus. The casual observer might think I was staring off into the distance, but the casual observer would be wrong. The asshole. I was staring at nothing.
Perhaps that should have evoked a feeling or two, but I'd long since lost the ability to give a shit. The only thing I could feel was the warmth of Tsukasa's hand in mine. That, at least, was reassuring.
Time passed. It does that.
The bed we were leaning against, the thing keeping us upright and sitting, collapsed. I considered saying, "Shit." I didn't.
Too much effort.
Besides, the collapse hadn't stopped it from keeping us propped in a sitting position, so what did it matter?
Time passed. The bastard.
I was getting somewhat bored, I had to do something, but I didn't have the energy or inclination to do much of anything. I introduced a small rocking into my sitting. It wasn't much. But it was something.
Time... fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck.
And furthermore: fuck.
As time is wont to do.
I'd stopped rocking, it seemed to have lost it's purpose. My left hand had found a new motion. My index finger scratching back and forth across my jeans.
Down with time, we only need three dimensions, damn it.
I'd scratched a hole right through my jeans. Time for something else.
Boredom is.
The silence was broken. I did not catch a word that was spoken. "What?" I asked.
"I have mail," Tsukasa repeated.
"Who from?" I asked.
"Helios," Tsukasa said. He clearly didn't recognize the name.
"Oh." I said.
Time passed.
"He rules the world," I added. It wasn't precisely true, but it was as close to true as possible given the amount of words I was willing to put toward the effort.
"We should..." I said.
Time passed.
"We should probably go," I said.
Time did that thing it fucking always does.
"So..." I said.
Time... you get the God damned idea.
"Going now," I said.
I hate time.
I looked at my watch. I tried to stand up. My body didn't move. I looked back at my watch. Half an hour gone. I tried again, and again, I lacked the motivation necessary to actually move myself. An hour, two, four, four and a half, seven.
Fucking time.
In the end I managed to turn myself around, climb up far enough on the broken bed to get my feet under me. And then stayed there. I tried to get up more, but I couldn't.
"I'm just gonna lay here," I said. And had resigned myself to just that when I felt Tsukasa's hands on me. He helped pull me to a standing position and said, "We're going together."
"Together," I agreed, and took his left hand with my right again. We warped out.
We landed in the cathedral. An artifact of the crossover between reality and the game, Cathedrale de Payens had merged with Hidden Forbidden Holy-place, the scales weren't exactly right and some parts of it felt like the most conservative Tardis in history, and there were various other oddities. More so, I thought, than when I'd last been there.
Bella was waiting for us. She was able to, at least somewhat, break Tsukasa out of his funk with mention of Subaru. True love will apparently do that, at least if you're a fictional character.
Then she turned her attention to me. She explained where we stood. Zombie hordes, a nuclear detonation, sort of business as usual. Nothing too remarkable. She said she'd need my help, I said I'd give it, she didn't seem too pleased with my response.
"I said I'd save the world, what more do you want?" I asked.
"I want you fucking here. I want you to care."
"Would if I could but I can't so I won't. Sorry, this is all you get."
Bella turned around angrily and growled at nothing in particular. Then she spun back to me. Took me by the shoulders, waited a moment to see if I had a problem with her doing so, I didn't give a damn, so then she started in, "The opposite of love is not hate," she said looking me in the eyes.
"It is indifference," I finished.
"The opposite of beauty is not ugliness," she said.
"It is indifference," I finished.
"The opposite of faith is not heresy," she said.
"It is indifference," I finished.
"And the opposite of life is not death," she said.
"But indifference between life and death," I finished.
"So show some bloody difference!"
"I can't," I said.
"No!" she shouted. Then she said, "Sorry. I shouldn't have done that. But the point is sound even if the delivery was problematic. This is not the world you know. There's a knot in time, there's a crossover between a game and reality, there's magic, and monsters. There are zombie hordes and completely safe non-lethal weapons. The border between fact and fiction has been abolished.
"And that means that your depression isn't what it used to be. It can be solved in ways that previously were the stuff of fantasy because fantasy has invaded reality and set up one hell of a beachhead here. You, can stop it, maybe not for good, probably not after we've fixed things, but right here right now in this world where everything is only semi-real... here you can beat this."
"I'll try," I said. And I would, but it was more to humor her than anything else. I would put in real effort, I would really try, but I was convinced it wouldn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. Back when things mattered was a long time ago. It seemed a distant memory.
"Good. I need you to try," she said.

1 comment:

  1. And this is why people shouldn't write "meh, I don't feel like doing that today" as "depression".