Sunday, September 16, 2012

Snarky Twilight - Company (The Chapter 11/Chapter12 change over)

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

Bella *weary* Are you finished asking me questions yet?
Edward: Not in the least, are you finished giving me one word-- Shit.
Bella: What?
Edward: I just realized that the book says I am finished for now.
Bella: And you always do what the book tells you to do, don't you?
Edward: Your father will be home soon.
Bella: I've not forgotten.
Edward: But the book says-
Bella: I don't care what the book says, I'm not going to forget that my father exists until you remind me. It doesn't work that way. Now, how late it is?
Edward: It's twilight.
Bella: It's always Twilight.
Edward: No. Not Twilight the book, twilight the time of day.
Bella: I could tell that just by having my eyes open, why would you feel the need to share that?
Edward: It's the safest time of day for us. The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a way... the end of another day. The return of night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you think?
Bella: Clearly you've never met the Vashta Nerada. Predictable is not the name that comes to mind. The darkness hides from us a whole new world right here on earth, the desert comes to life, the forest can finally bustle, the bats come out. Have you ever stood in the dark on a dock under the canopy of stars watching the bats fly all around you as they kept the insect population under control? The water calm below you, only the gentlest of waves rocking the dock and disrupting the near perfect mirror of the stars above. The milky way like a stain across the sky, a million pinpricks of light, each of them another sun, except for a few that are in fact galaxys, just so far away they appear as little more than stars to us.
Bella: Without the dark we'd never see the stars. It's a shame that there's nowhere in the entire continental United States without light pollution. I'd love for it to be dark enough to get a really good view of the stars.
Bella: Not that you can see the stars here at all, on most nights.
*Edward laughs*
Bella: Yeah, it's always funny when something that gives me joy is kept away from me.
Edward: Charlie will be here in a few minutes, so unless you want to tell him that you'll be with me Sunday...
Bella: Sure, why not.
Edward: Uh, that's not what you're supposed to say.
Bella: Since when do I say what I'm supposed to say?
Edward: The writing makes clear that we're supposed to be keeping this a secret.
Bella: And you always do what you're supposed to do, don't you.
Edward: Yes. And you should too. We're characters, not the author.
Bella: Who says I can't auth?
Edward: I don't know... REALITY maybe?
Bella: Whose Reality?
Edward: Screw it, I'm getting out of here and -- Not good.
Bella: What?
Edward: Another complication. *Edward starts to leave.  A different car pulls up* Charlie's around the corner.
*Edward leaves*
Jacob: Hey Bella!
Bella: Jacob?
*Jacob gets out, Bella looks in and sees Jacob's father.  Charlie's car pulls up.*


Charlie: Billy!
Charlie: I'm going to pretend that I didn't see you behind the wheel, Jake.
Jacob: I'm going to pretend that I'm not shocked and appalled by your lack of knowledge of when we get our permits on the reservation.
Charlie: Crap. Sorry.
Billy: Besides, I have to get around somehow.

*They all get into the house by various means*

Charlie: This is a surprise.
Billy: It's been too long. I hope it's not a bad time.
Charlie: No, not at all. I think that the beginning of a chapter is always a great time to show up. Do tell me you'll stay for the game.
Jacob: I think that's part of the plan, otherwise I have no idea why the author decided to break our TV.
Charlie: Say what?
Jacob: Everything was going fine and then all of a sudden, after ignoring our very existence for chapters on end, the author made it part of the story that our TV was broken last week.
Billy: And, of course, Jacob was anxious to see Bella again.
Bella: I'm leaving this room in the only way a woman is permitted to leave. I'm going to the kitchen. And I'm doing it on the pretense that it is for someone else's benefit rather than my own. Are you hungry?
Jacob: Sorry, but no. We ate before we came.
Bella: Charlie?
Charlie: If it'll make you more comfortable, I can be as hungry or full as you want me to be.
Bella: Thanks, Charlie.
Charlie: What are parents for if not to blame your own decisions on when the culture tells you you need a justification beyond, "It's what I want"?
Bella: I'm sure you have use beyond that. Enjoy the game.

*Bella walks to kitchen, Jacob follows. Charlie walks to TV room, Billy follows.*

Jacob: So, how are things?
Bella: Pretty good. *smiles* You know, for once the book and I agree. Your enthusiasm is pretty hard to resist.
Jacob: Does the book say any other nice things about me?
Bella: Loads, but a lot of them play into racial stereotypes.
Jacob: *somewhat glumly* Why am I not surprised?
Bella: *in an obvious 'let's change the subject tone'* How about you, did you finish your car?
Jacob: No, I still need more parts, but thanks for the Master cylinder. We had to borrow the car we came in in.
Bella: If you can make a list, I might be able to scrounge up what you need for yours. It's one of those catch 22s in life that it's far easier to do the traveling necessary to find the parts to fix your car if your car works to bring you the places to look for such parts, but if your car works then it doesn't need to be fixed.
Jacob: Yeah, I've noticed. Speaking of, is there something wrong with the truck?
Bella: Huh?
Jacob: I noticed you weren't using it.
Bella: Yeah, I wish I were. I got a ride from a jerk.
Jacob: Jerk had a nice car, does the jerk have a name? My dad seemed to recognize him.
Bella: The Jerk is named Edward. Edward of the sparkly Cullens.
*Jacob Laughs*
Jacob: Well that explains it.
Bella: Explains what?
Jacob: Why he's acting so strange.
Bella: Not a big vampire fan?
Jacob: I think I mentioned at some point that I dismiss all those suspiciously specific legends as superstition and in no way believe that I'm descended from a werewolf or two and thus, do not put stalk in... who the hell am I kidding?
Bella: Well I thought you were doing a good job until you said "put stalk in" instead of "put stock in".
Jacob: Thanks. No. He's not a big vampire fan.
Bella: You think he'll say anything to Charlie?
Jacob: No. Charlie has been known to irrationally take the Cullens side to a disproportionate degree for no apparent reason at the slightest provocation and this reunion is supposed to be about mending the rift one of those past times caused. I don't see the Cullens names being mentioned at all.
Bella: Ok. That's supposed to be good for some reason that is completely lost on me.

Jacob: You know, nothing you or I say from here until the end of the game is actually recorded in the book.
Bella: We're off the edge of the map.
Jacob: Here there be monsters.
Bella: Is there anything you'd like to talk about.
Jacob: Uhhh....
Bella: So that's a yes.
Jacob: So, what my dad said...
Bella: Which thing?
Jacob: The one about me and why we came here.
Bella: That you wanted to see me again?
Jacob: That's the one. It's true, but I was worried that it might have come across as a bit misleading.
Bella: It did have me worried a bit to, but I thought I made things pretty clear last time.
Jacob: You did. Interested in me as a friend, not as a suitor. I just wanted to make sure that you knew that I remembered that. Boundaries are clear, I wanted to see you again because you're my friend.
Bella: Good
*Jacob looks away, becomes sort of uneasy and vulnerable*
Jacob: That said... you wouldn't happen to... happen to know how Jessica's interest falls, would you?
Bella: Sorry, but no. I have no idea.
Jacob: Because I thought we made a real connection, but maybe that's just because we both thought Mike was being an ass, so I have no idea where we stand and...
Bella: You're going to have to ask her.
Jacob: Oh, I'd love to, but I don't have a car.
Bella: Give me a parts list, I'll see how fast we can get your car fixed, but beyond that this is a conversation that has to take place between you and Jessica.
Bella: Or, you know, I could set up for the two of you to trade phone numbers or something. But fixing the car probably involves less effort on my part.
Jacob: How is that less effort?
Bella: I have to talk to less people. I'd rather drive to Seattle to buy books than talk to a librarian long enough to request a book via inter-library loan.


[Snarky Twilight Index]


  1. Re that last line: I know one shouldn't read characteristics of the author into the work, but that certainly sounds very like me.

    1. but that certainly sounds very like me.

      Like me as well, and it seems like a plausible explanation for why canon Bella's plan is to drive to Seattle rather than make use of the local library as well. It seems to fit her character (those parts of it which are consistent) fairly well.

    2. Requesting inter-library loans requires one sentence of speech: "I'd like some inter-library loans." Then you hand the librarian a slip of paper with a list of titles and authors. When picking the books up, two more words "Inter-library loan?" and...won't need to give your name in a town that small, probably, but if not in a small town a couple more words for that. Once you've done this a few times and acquired a reputation as The Inter-Library Loan Girl, no more speech is necessary: just hand them the bits of paper and during pickup chances are they'll head for the inter-library loan books as soon as they see you coming.

      It might be possible to purchase books from a corporeal bookstore without uttering a single sentence, but it'd be tricky. (And cost a lot more money.)

      (You can probably tell how much experience I have with this.)