Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Snarky Twilight - Badminton

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

Mike: Do you want to be a team?
*More pause*
*the silence continues*
Mike: What are you doing?
Bella: I'm parsing every possible meaning of the word "want" in this context. Do I want to be on a badminton team? No. I'd rather be raising sheep in New Zealand. Given that that's not likely and I'll either be on a team or standing alone by myself until the teacher has to remedy the situation thus drawing even more attention to me, do I want to be on a team more than the alternative? Sure, why not?
Bella: If I am to be on a team, do I want to be on a team with you? No, not really. Given that you're the only person likely to be willing to be on a team with me of your own free will, would I rather be on a team with you than someone who was being forced? Maybe. I guess. Taking suffering on myself so that others do not have to is something I'm sort of used to at this point.
Bella: Does a willingness to endure being on a team with you, and the fallout that is sure to follow as surely as the night follows the day because you have shown a total lack of willingness to change and become a better character than your writer would have you, actually constitute "want"? Not sure.
Bella: Does the fact that I fully expect you to live down to my lowest expectations indicate that I've internalized the idea that men are unchanging forces of ick, or does it mean that I've gotten a feel for the kind of novel that I'm in? Not sure. I'll have to think on that more.
Mike: So that's a "yes" then?
Bella: If it isn't, it's close enough for badminton teams.
Mike: Don't worry, I'll keep out of your way.
Bella: I wish you would, but somehow I doubt that. I would be pleasantly surprised if you proved me wrong.


Mike: So,
Bella: Mike, that's an introduction. You're supposed to follow it with something.
Mike: You and Cullen, huh?
Bella: Me and Cullen what?
Mike: Uh...
Bella: If you want a proper answer, then ask a proper question.
Mike: You're in love?
Bella: Have you ever seen any sign of that emotion pass between us, even once?
Mike: Well... no. But you are dating, right?
Bella: What business of yours would it be if that were true?
Mike: I don't like it.
Bella: You don't like the hypothetical possibility that I might be dating someone?
Mike: I just don't like it.
Bella: Any particular reason why?
Mike: He looks at you like . . . like you’re something to eat.
Bella: That probably has something to do with the fact that he's a vampire.
*Mike is left speechless*
*Bella walks to the locker room*


*Edward is waiting for Bella*
Edward: You're supposed to say, "Hi."
Bella: I'm supposed to do a lot of things.
Edward: You're supposed to breathlessly say-
Bella: If I spend all my time breathless I'll get hypoxia.
Edward: *angry* How was Gym?
Bella: Fine.
Edward: Rea-
Bella: And that is all you ever need know.
*Edward does a thing with his eyes*
*Bella looks over her shoulder*
*Mike is walking away*
Bella: What?
Edward: Newton’s getting on my nerves.
Bella: And your nerves are the only ones that matter. Is that it?


[Snarky Twilight Index]


  1. Weirdly, this is the post where I got "Not Dennis Markuze - but a FAN!" spam.

  2. For the record, it really doesn't take much effort for me to throw your spam into the spamtrap.

  3. "Bella: What?
    Edward: Newton’s getting on my nerves.
    Bella: And your nerves are the only ones that matter. Is that it?"

    Thank you for this :-D

    1. Hey, an on topic post so that this isn't just me talking about the two pieces of spam I spamtrapped. Waahoo!

      Thank you for this.

  4. I'm binge-reading all of your Twilight snarky posts, and so far they're all absolutely brilliant. Thank you for writing them.