Saturday, March 24, 2012

Snarky Twlight - Exposition from Jacob

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings, and it almost fell through the cracks.  This was actually written before I wrote the Snarky Twilight versions of the Bible Quote and Preface.]

[This would be before Lauren and Bella went to Italy together as that would be in New Moon.]


Lauren: Bella, I was just talking to Tyler about the Cullens for no real reason except so that I could tell you that I was talking about them, be overheard, and thus establish that the natives know more about them than the rest of us. So, it's too bad that none of them came out? Didn't anyone think to invite them?
Sam: Carlisle's family?
Lauren: Yes. As a high school student talking to other high school students I was absolutely thinking of them in terms of their father. Isn't it a shame that we didn't drag an adult out here?
Sam: There's no need to be rude about it.
Lauren: Actually, as a fish-eyed nasal-voiced blonde, my character revolves around me being bitchy.
Sam: Whatever, they don't come here.
Bella: Why n-
Sam: Could you not tell from my tone of voice that the matter is closed?
Tyler: There are too many people in this conversation, Lauren, let's talk about a CD.
Lauren: Ok.
Bella: That's really not-
Lauren: We're fine.

*awkward silence permeated only by hints of Lauren and Tyler's not quite audible conversation*

Bella: Jacob, would you like to go for a walk?
Jacob: Ok.

*They start walking.*

Jacob: I know you hate Forks, how are you holding up?
Bella: I was doing pretty bad, but the truck and I have been having some good times these past few days.
Jacob: That's nice.

*Bella checks that Sam is far enough away to be unlikely to hear, and doesn't seem to be paying attention.*

Bella: I only asked you away from the others so that I could try to get information about the Cullens out of you via sneaky and indirect ways.
Jacob: They're vampires who came here before.
Bella: That was easy.
Jacob: There's more. They don't eat people so we let them live. We're werewolves, by the way.
Bella: That's interesting.
Jacob: I'm not supposed to tell you any of this because it violates the treaty to tell pale-faces, and your face is rather pale, but I cannot take seriously anything that involves the term "pale-face"
Bella: So...
Jacob: It's not that the term is historically inaccurate, it has been used and there is a slim chance it might have somehow found its way into such a treaty, though it seems to me that other terms would have been better suited -especially given the paleness of the vampire's faces, but using it in the here and now in this novel feels like I'm just being another in a long line of poorly thought out Native American stereotypes that pervade popular culture. Even more so when one considers context.
Bella: What term would you use?
Jacob: Well, personally, I'd use hokwat'* though that term technically includes all non-natives regardless of skin color.
Bella: So the treaty allows you to tell outsiders as long as their faces aren't pale?
Jacob: I don't actually know, I've never read the treaty myself. I just know that I'm supposed to say "pale-face" as in, "If they would promise to stay off our lands, we wouldn't expose them to the pale-faces."
Bella: That seems like some pretty bad dialog.
Jacob: That's what I thought.
Bella: I mean you could just say, 'your people' or 'Europeans' or something.
Jacob: Or 'others'. 'Others' would work just fine.
Bella: Yes it would. You know, this conversation is going a lot better than I thought it would.
Jacob: In theory I'm only telling you all of it because I don't believe a word of it in spite of my great grandfather being the one to sign the treaty, and the perfectly preserved legend that was passed down including at least some of the vampires' names.
Bella: You're a werewolf and you don't believe it?
Jacob: I'm not a werewolf yet. That happens next book. Right now I'm a potential werewolf who has yet to awaken into a state of wolfiness.
Bella: Anything else I should know?
Jacob: Not only is this not the first time Carlisle came here, it isn't the second either, he was here at least once before your people showed up.
Bella: When did my people first show up again?
Jacob: The first official contact was a treaty signing in 1855 but really we could date it to the 1700s.
Bella: Which does Vampiry McVampire predate?
Jacob: No one tells me these things. And I'm just about out of information. Unless you want to try to steal our legends to try to argue that Noah's Ark must have totally been a real occurrence.
Bella: I have no interest in doing that.
Jacob: Then my job is finished here.
Bella: Ok, so...
Jacob: Wait, I just remembered. Don't mention any of this to your dad. He's already pissed off that some members of the tribe are avoiding the hospital to avoid Carlisle.
Bella: Why would he be pissed about that?
Jacob: I have no idea, but asking just makes him mad.
Bella: Well I won't tell.
Jacob: So, do you think we're a bunch of superstitious natives?
Bella: I think you were written that way, but no. You seem to be perfectly normal people laboring under the weight of bad storytelling just like the rest of us.

*Mike appears at a distance*

Mike: There you are-
Jacob: Yes. Here I am. Have you been looking for long?
Mike: I was talking to Bella.
Jacob: I know. [to Bella:] Is that your boyfriend?
Bella: He thinks he is.
Jacob: That must be rough.
Bella: The worst part is that he's only second place on the jerk scale.
Jacob: That sucks.
Jacob: If I visited you when I got my license, would that make you feel better or worse?
Bella: Better if you realize that I'm just interested in you as a friend, worse if you become my fifth suitor.

*Mike reaches them, Jessica is trailing behind*

Mike: Where have you been?
Jacob: Well I've been-
Mike: Bella, where have you been?
Bella: Isn't it obvious?
Mike: Explain it to me.
Bella: You're not Edward, and I don't see why you want to try to be him. Can't you set your sights higher?
Jessica: Why am I even in this scene?
Mike: Because I'm so awesome I have have a hot girl who pines after me constantly.
Jessica: [flat sarcasm] Yes. How could I have forgotten about your awesomeness. It is so very apparent.
Mike: Bella, where have you been?
Bella: Well I've been to Phoenix, and Seattle and Port Angeles and Forks and-
Mike: That's not what I meant.
Bella: I was just getting to the fun part.
Mike: Where have you been today on this beach?
Bella: I've been on this beach. Which you just said. If you already know the answer why bother asking the question?
Jessica: Maybe you should tell Bella why we were looking for her.
Mike: Where have you been?
Jessica: Bella, the skies are about to open up and from them will fall a deluge of discrete units of liquid water known as "rain drops" and if idiot here doesn't get on with it soon we'll all get very wet.
Mike: Just tell me what you've been doing!
Jacob: Do you have to put up with this all the time?
Bella: [To Jacob:] More or less. [To Mike:] Jacob here was just providing an exposition dump.
Mike: Was that so hard?
Jacob and Jessica, in unison: She shouldn't have to explain herself to you in the first place.
Jacob and Jessica: Jinx!
Jacob: I'm Jacob.
Jessica: I'm Jessica.
Mike: I'm going to be sick. Let's get off the damn beach.
Jacob: [To Bella:] It was nice to see you again.
Bella: Yeah, it was.
Jacob: [To Jessica:] It was nice to meet you.
Jessica: You too.
Mike: It's already raining.
Jessica: Only because you refused to go until you got your stupid question answered.

*The three exit stage wherever-the-car-is*


* That's not exactly how it's spelled. There's mark over the o and the w should be sort of small and floating, but I don't know how to do special characters. Anyway, it says it's pronounced "Ho-quaht".


[Snarky Twilight Index]


  1. Interesting. Like the snark.

  2. Thank you for commenting, I hope you find more to like here.