Saturday, March 24, 2012

Snarky Twilight - Preface

[So, I'm not used to doing Narration in Snarky Twilight, but in the original this segment is entirely narration, so I figured I'd give it a shot.  Narration is in italics.]

I'd never given much thought to how I would die, except, you know, when there was an out of control van speeding right at me across an icy parking lot, at that point I put some thought into the possibility that I would die by van. And then there was that time in Port Angles when I'm pretty sure I was supposed to be thinking of the possibility of death, but by then I was kind of ignoring what I was supposed to do, and naturally when one finds out they're being hunted by a deadly vampire a certain amount of thought does tend to move in a death-ward direction even if you're not really all that worried, and even something as simple as looking at a tide pool can be fraught with danger if you're writen in such a way as to be incapable of walking across even a smooth surface with out falling. If I hadn't considered death, or at least serious injury, then I wouldn't have been nearly so careful and might well have encountered one or the other.

So I have actually, on occasion, given a degree of thought to the question of how I was going to die. Anyway, the thought didn't dwell too much on something like this, though I did have some opportunity to think about it on the way over, but truth be told I'm pretty sure I'm not going to die here. For one thing, I'm the narrator, for another, this scene doesn't actually appear in the book. If I really were going to die, you'd think the lead up would merit a mention, but since this supposed realization that I'm going to die can be safely omitted I'm pretty sure I live. Also, the hunter across the room from me is hardly the most formidable foe I've faced in these pages. I'd had to deal with someone worse than him in my dating life. So that takes some of the threat out of it.

Currently Nameless Hunter: Who?

Bella: The male lead.

CNH: Really?

Bella: You don't even compare.

CNH: But I kill people. For fun.

Bella: An entirely informed attribute if ever there was one. How many people have you killed onscreen?

CNH: That's not fair. I've killed lots of people.

Bella: If you say so. Do you want me to get back to the narration so we can move onto the actual book, or discuss the relative merits of offscreen killing and onscreen abuse?

CNH: Narrate so I can eat you.

Bella: That's really not going to happen.

There was a certain nobility in dying to save someone else, if that was really what was happening but I seriously had my doubts. In fact I found this entire sequence frustratingly dull. I was hoping for a cross country chase, instead I got a phone call saying, basically, “Come over here and let me kill you or I'll kill someone you care about,” oh the incredible drama. I thought vampire stories were supposed to involve movement and train schedules and suspense and evasion and chases and whatnot.

And in case I oversold, let me assure you that the conversation on the phone was much more boring than my paraphrase made it out to be. So now here I am, with someone who may or may not be holding someone I care about hostage. I'm not supposed to say who on account of suspense and mystery, but it really isn't suspenseful or mysterious.

Anyway, I knew at this point that I wouldn't be in this situation if I'd never gone to Forks, but I don't regret going to Forks because I'd seen things you would never imagine and oh my God I love my truck. It is a fantastic truck. I should write an ode to that truck.

CNH: It's a stupid truck.

Bella: And now you have to die, but I'm going to finish my narration first.

When life offers you a dream so far beyond your expectations, the prospect of it never having happened is more troubling than the prospect of death. Plus, as I said, I'm pretty sure I'm not about to die.

CNH: We'll see about that.

Bella: Yes, we will.

The currently nameless hunter smiled in a way that I think was meant to appear friendly as he sauntered forward to try to kill me. There was no way I was going to let him succeed.


1 comment:

  1. I love Bella's love for her truck, and heartily endorse her intentions to kill any vampires who speak disrespectfully of it.