Monday, June 20, 2016

Lonespark and Chris the Cynic watch Jane Got A Gun (Spoilers)

[Added] Chronologically the last quote in the post.  "Uh, you warned them it was spoilertastic, right?" - Lonespark

Ok, so, this is spoilertastic.[/added]

Some of this is Lonespark, some of this is chris, some of this is when we merge into a hive mind.  A hive mind of two.  Very small hive, but more bodies than you'd expect a single mind to have.  You have been warned.

Jane Got A Gun, a 2016 movie that was in theaters for such a short time that we missed it upon blinking, is available in redboxes now.


Coffins and whores - this town has everything!

Nobody here but me and chickens...

“I give you my word... I prob'ly ain't gonna kill him...”

Dan puts the rapey asshole's corpse against the fence...and puts his hat on...but you can still obviously see part of his head was blown off... What was the point of that, Dan?

“You know the war isn't gonna last very long...” -Flashback!Dan re: that war that lasted a really long time.

Chris: You haven't made it there yet [Jane]. There's no Pacific Ocean in New Mexico
Lonespark: You're thinking in a temporally confined sense...A few hundred million years ago...

Ewan MacGregor is super good at being evil...

“Hammond's not fit to get on a horse, Dan.” - Jane
“He's mostly dead, Jane!” - Lonespark
“But mostly slightly alive!” - Chris

Lonespark: How is [Dan's] hat so clean? Did he just buy it?
Chris: Maybe so. He put the other one on the dead cover up the fact that part of his head was missing...
Lonespark: ...which it DID NOT DO, so that was a waste...

Lonespark: That's a dissected alluvial fan!

This movie would be more fun if it were steampunk. Jane Got a Clockwork Gun? There is even a Significant Balloon!

Woooo! Nassty dreadful fortifications for trench warfare! We loves to hates it, Preciousss...

“You might wanna see a day where the sun don't just shine on your story! ...there is a whole world of tales out there...” - Jane, and a good general principle for Hollywood.

Love the math!
How many men does Bishop have? Any number...minus five... 
“Maybe ten...maybe a hundred...”
[Dan kills the dude.]
“Minus one.”

“I knew you weren't mine no more...” - Dan
“She wasn't in the first place!!!” - Chris

Lonespark is always disappointed when threesomes or at least polyamory can't solve fiction...

“The problem is that 'that' is not your property.” - Bishop, that horrible fucker
“Are you telling me she's your property?” - Hammond, displaying his considerably less horrible outlaw nature and underlining the point of this film

- - -

We know Mary died by drowning because there was a floating shoe. No further search is necessary.

“That day I came to your house, I wanted to tell you...” - Jane
“But I shouldn't have to” - Lonespark

Lonespark: “I sense a heroic sacrifice because they can't all sort things out afterward. Also the title. It's not called 'Some dudes got some guns'. Because we've seen that move a thousand times already.”
Chris: (movie trailer voice) “He was a simple farmer, they were a random marauding band of marauders...”

Dan: “You've got to go Jane”
Lonespark: Hell no, this is my land!
Jane: “This is my house”
Lonespark: Fuck yeah! We're in a western. Shut up!

Lonespeark: Wooo, time for a siege! It's like a castle and siege warfare movie...ok, it basically is, but with different scenery...

Lonespark: Good thing I [Dan] learned all that siege stuff in the war.

Lonespark: “Flame broiled horrible bastards. Hooray! . . . Well don't shoot the ones who are on fire, that's a waste of ammo.”

After wounded person shoots bad guy:
Lonespark:“Yeah! I think he gave up on compressing the wound, but it was for a good reason.”

After the lantern falls:
Lonespark: That could be bad. I mean, I know they wanted the light, but I hope it doesn't burn the wooden house down.

[break to get kids]

Bishop, high king of terrible assholes, shoots a dead person
“This is a man who knows how to double check.” - Chris
“Well so did [Dan] when he wasted all the bullets...” - Lonespark

Lonespark: “That is a less than terrible ending I didn't really see coming!”

“Why don't they tell the other women forced into prostitution, 'You can stay here under your own management, or come with us and learn to shoot things?'” (or something) -Chris

“I wanted to see this but I didn't know it was going to be so satisfying in the end, but it's just crying out for a series of sequels, and I would have liked to have seen it in the theaters, the bastards.” - Lonespark

Lonespark is torn between “That is too easy and why does Dan the Jerk Who Doesn't Trust Women get to live, anyway?” and “YAY HAPPY ENDING WE NEED MORE OF THOSE!!!”

Chris having brilliant fanfic ideas:
Dr. Jane Foster meets someone in Asgard or elsewhere who asks if she's any relation to the great hero from the Earth province of New Mexico, Jane the Gunslinger.

This is totally a Thor AU. Dan Frost(!) was separated from Jane a long time when the Rainbow Bridge was broken... Possibly something something memory loss... Also this raises the possibility that Mary is part God...That will be helpful in her future career kicking ass with her posse of liberated sex slaves.

Other movies we should watch:
True Grit
Lonesome Dove
Lone Star (not a spinoff of Spaceballs, although that would be awesome)

And the post-apocalypse sequel: Mad Max:Fury Road

Jane is cool since she's kind of in between Furiosa and The Wives...
She can totally be a badass in the future, with Mary or Mary and Upside-Down Tree Story Girl*... Dan Frost can be their Max, reliable behind the scenes and not quite as good with a rifle...

“I almost feel like that movie could benefit from an opening like Harold and Kumar had. . . Dan gets out of prison camp, and rides across the country, and finds his true love, and . . . then, by the magic of moving making, 'Guess what white dude, the movie is not about you.'”


* Further research says her name is Katie.

1 comment:

  1. Oh good! I thought the trailer looked promising, but this has now crawled a few places up the list of films to watch some day.