Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Snarky Twilight - The Encounter in Port Angeles

[Originally posted at Ana Maroll's Ramblings.]
[This actually covers two Ana Mardoll posts worth of material, so those wanting full context should also read the post before the one linked to above.]

Jessica: So we got our dress shopping done way sooner than expected.
Angela: Probably because we don't have that much experience with this, I mean who goes dress shopping right before an extremely minor dance?
Jessica: And the thing is...
Angela: We have no idea what to do now.
Bella: That's ok, I can feel the plot calling me elsewhere.
Jessica: You can?
Bella: Yeah, so I'll just head over this way and I'll catch up with you later.
Jessica: Is that wise?
Bella: I'll be fine.
Angela: Are you sure, because we could come with you.
Bella: You two enjoy yourselves, I'm clearly supposed to wander off on my own into the dangerous wilds of this residential small town.
Jessica: Ok, but be careful.
Bella *pats cylindrical case she's brought with her* I'm armed. I also have a cell phone and martial arts training. And, more than that, I'm the narrator.
Angela: You're sure?
Bella: Yes.
Angela *takes Jessica by the hand* Then lets go!
*Angela and Jessica leave*
*Bella goes to a store, waits outside*
Storekeeper: Are you going to come in or not?
Bella: I'm conflicted. On the one hand I'm trying to reward the narrative when it keeps a certain character away from me. It wants me to be dismissive of you and move on. So that means I shouldn't come in. On the other hand part of me is screaming that you're just the kind of person who might have useful information, and the narrative and I don't like each other all that much, so maybe I should come in.
Storekeeper: Useful information about what?
Bella: *somewhat nervous, half expecting to be laughed at* Vampires?
Storekeeper: The kind we have around here?
Bella: Yeah.
Storekeeper: Pale as bleach with disconcerting purple scar-like circles under their eyes, perfectly comfortable in daytime but avoid direct sunlight, super fast, super strong, eyes that change color, and a superiority complex that seems like it could only have come from from over the top hyperbole?
Bella: Those are the ones.
Storekeeper: I know nothing about those vampires. I'm the wrong stereotype I'm afraid. Perhaps you should try someone less white.
Bella: I actually already have, but thanks for you time.
Storekeeper: No problem.
Bella: It was nice talking to you.
Storekeeper: You too.
*Bella wanders into the nonexistent warehouse district*
Bella: Phone, where am I?
Phone: You are off the edge of the map. Here there be monsters.
Bella: That's nice.
Phone: Also, you happen to be heading South South West, even though way back is North North East.
Bella: So I should turn around.
Phone: Continue in your present direction and have and unpleasant meeting in three lines.
Bella: Ok
Four Random Men: We're talking to each other too loud.
One of them: Hey, there!
Bella: Hello. (to phone:) That wasn't that unpleasant.
Phone: It's not over yet.
One of them: Hey, wait!
Bella: Sorry, just following the narrative.
Phone: Turn east now.
Bella: Before coming here I examined satellite reconnaissance of the entire area-
Phone: Why?
Bella: You have your hobbies, I have mine. Anyway, this layout is impossible. The warehouses, the barbed wire fence, the area behind the fence, none of this can be here.
Phone: I told you you were off the edge of the map. Have an unpleasant realization in one line.
Bella: I think I'm being followed.
Phone: Turn north at next intersection.
Bella: Thank you, I could have figured that out in my own.
*upon turning north*
Phone: Realize you were being herded all this time.
Bella: And how could they have been herding me given that they took no steps to control which way I turned at the intersections we passed.
Phone: No idea.
Men in front of Bella: There you are!
Men behind Bella: Yeah. We took a little detour.
Phone: Get sick of narrative and go off script.
Bella: Phone, shut up.
Phone: If I shut up, you will not be able to hear me any more. Are you sure you want me to shut up?
Bella: Yes.
*Bella mumbles about phones always asking if you want them to do the thing you just told them to do*
Bella: Creepy guys, it's been fun, but I'm ready to call this whole adventure to an end now.
Creepy guy in front of Bella: Don't be like that, sugar.
Bella: See, you're still on the script, but I'm off it. Seriously, I'm done now. I'm not playing anymore. You don't have to either. You have a choice. You can walk away now.
Jerk 1: Why would we do that?
Bella: I'm the narrator. Do you even have names?
Jerk 2: What does it matter if we have names?
Bella: Who do you think has a better chance of surviving, the one telling the story, or the unnamed characters threatening the protagonist?
Jerk 3: We're big scary men! You're just a girl.
Bella: I've toppled empires.
Jerk 1: You're bluffing.
Bella: Why would I bluff? I know when my parents were married, I know where I've spent every summer, I have a birthdate and a hair color, I've traded insults with vampires and traveled the stars, I've seen triplet moons and sailed amoungst the clouds, I once delivered a semi-mammalian squid-like thing because the doctor was out and I've rescued beautiful creatures from ravening princesses. I'm the protagonist, I do things. Do you even have back stories?
Jerk 4: It doesn't matter if we have back stories. There are four of us and only one of you.
*Bella readies her cylindrical case*
Bella: Don't say I didn't warn you.
Jerk 3: *extremely sarcastic* Oooh. What've you got there?
Bella: A pocket full of kryptonite.
*The men approach*
*Suddenly a silver Volvo screeches onto the scene*
*Bella uses the confusion created to hit one of the jerks with the case*
Edward: *Furious* Get in!
Bella: What are you doing here?
*Bella elbows a man approaching her from behind*
Bella: Are you responsible for all this?
Edward: Of course not, get in!
*Bella hits a third man with her case*
Bella: But I don't actually trust you.
Edward: Don't be stupid, I'm here to rescue you.
*The fourth man comes at Bella, she uses his momentum against him and in moments he's on the ground*
Bella: Luke Skywalker you are not.
Edward *even more furious* Get in!
Bella: Remember what I said the last time you tried to threaten me into a car?
*By the end of the fight Bella has restrained the four men via crafty deployment zip ties. She's on the phone with her father*
Bella: No, I'm not tuning into a vigilante. ... I was just out for a walk. ... Look can you just call whoever and have them send someone over? ... I'm not sure, it seems to be a non-existent warehouse district. ... *checks street signs* It is on the corner of Unrealistic and Creepy. How did you ... Uh-huh. Ok. I'll be waiting.
*Bella puts phone away*
Edward: My way was better.
Bella: Your way would have left them free to do horrible things to other people.
Edward: Who cares about other people?
Bella: I do.
Edward: Well what about me? I'm furious and in a rage and I might kill someone.
Bella: It's always all about you, isn't it?
Edward: Yes!
Bella: Well if I can keep from killing them you can too.
Edward: You don't count.
Bella: And you wonder why I don't like you.
Edward: You need to distract me from my totally angst inducing deadly predator/possessive love interest rage.
Bella: If you kill anyone today I'll kick you ass.
Edward: You really don't understand the concept of-
Bella: And then drop you into the sun.
Bella: The sun, you see, is very hot. 5505 c at the surface. Which I think is just wrong. We need to find a way to raise it's temperature by 50 c. Then it would be 5555 which is much nicer looking. Anyway, the point is that if I drop you into it the experience wont be a pleasant one.
Edward: Can't you prattle about something else?
Bella: You know, *shows Edward cylinder* I haven't had a compelling reason to use this yet, and you're making me very tempted.


[Snarky Twilight Index]


  1. [grin]

    (I wanna know what's in the cylinder... which I suppose is the point...)

    1. To a degree, yes, but don't get your hopes up too high or you'll be very disappointed as it isn't that interesting.