Thursday, March 12, 2015

I sometimes want to declare bankruptcy at life

So bankruptcy is complicated because it varies depending on jurisdiction and such, but the idea is the same everywhere: someone (or something) is financially fucked and cannot repay their debts.

That someone (or something) says, "Fuck it.  I have failed at all financial aspects of life and I surrender."

And then comes the big thing: it ends.  Now a thousand variations, there are credit scores, there are any number of things that can exist to try to ruin a person after they've declared bankruptcy, but the idea is that you get a fresh start.

The idea of bankruptcy is that if you're seriously so down that you'd surrender and incur the stigma and loss that comes with it, people should probably stop kicking you.

Sometimes I think there should be something like that with life.  "I give up, leave me alone fate, I want a fresh start and new luck."


I hadn't heard about the aid I get to live on (SSI, distinct from the aid I get for food) throughout the entire month of February.  Not a peep.  I actually ended up with the impression that it must have been renewed simply because it hadn't been canceled.

Monday night my mother, the homeowner, called me in a state of extreme-flustereness and mild panic.

Apparently they'd called her up and made her feel like an inadequate human being for not being able to tell them, off the top of her head without consulting any documentation how much I pay per month to live here.  That is absurd for a number of reasons, the two big ones being
1 The answer requires taking an average over twelve months because a lot of bills are not, in fact, due monthly.
2 The SSA knows that in the period covered in the review they're doing the cost as changed for multiple different reasons, and hopefully will continue to change.  (I'd like to reduce the average monthly expense by at least another $50, thank you.)  Which means that if she did have some number ingrained in her memory that number would almost certainly be wrong.

Instead of making her feel like a failure as a human being for not being able to come up with the number without looking it up, they should have been begging her to look it up.  "It's not that we don't trust your memory, but we'd prefer to know that you're reading the number from your records instead of pulling it from your memory."

But apparently they came out swinging and drove her nearly to tears on their first contact with her, which doesn't sound like what they'd be doing if they thought they were going to keep on giving me assistance.


At the same time, but involving different government agencies: food.

In late February that also came up for review.  A far less fraught review that didn't really have me worried at all (or, if it did, I attribute that to being worried about everything at the time.)  That seemed like no big deal.

(Very) Shortly after I sent the required form in I got a letter saying they hadn't gotten it.  I assumed that the two letters had passed in the mail.  I was wrong.  That was stupid.

So I have no food money.  Need to try to get that back.  Even if I do, I still haven't heard anything about the SSI.  Which means the most recent thing I heard was about the phone call to my mother.  The one that had her afraid that she'd somehow screwed up and cost me all of that.


If you combine the food money (which can only be spent on food) and the SSI (which can be spent on anything) then replacing the boiler cost around 8 to 10 months.

Now I'm wondering if I might have put all that money --your money-- into my house for no reason.  If it turns out that SSI ditches me then I won't be able to pay the monthly expenses which will cost me my home just as sure as if I'd let it freeze last month.

If I do keep it, but I can't get the food money back, then I don't even know what that would mean.

There are too many variables.  It certainly wouldn't be good, but maybe I could at least stay through the warm months?  I don't know.


So, looking back, here's my semester:

  • I'm broke.
  • SSI is being reviewed and it brings me all the stress
  • I have no heat.
  • I have heat
  • It's snowing so much that I'm ending up without human contact and it's messing me up
  • Vacation!
  • And the boiler needs to replaced, game over
  • or not
  • I finally have heat
  • Wait, I sent in that form, why is my food money being canceled?
  • Is SSI going to be cancelled too?  They're real jerks to treat my mom that way
And that's only the first third of the month.

It never seems to stop.  Which brings us to the title.

Bankruptcy (in theory if not practice) saying, "I give up.  I'm down.  Stop kicking me," regarding finances in order to get a fresh start regarding finances.  Sometimes I want to do that with life.  "Ok, life.  You win.  I lose.  Could We Start Again Please," and thus have life stop hitting me with shit.