I want to crawl into a hole, curl up into a ball, start crying, and never stop.
I was expecting to write a happy post about how I have heating oil. Initially got it because I decided to take a risk of placing an order when doing so might mean I couldn't pay other the bills. Then I got a donation that covered that (thank you very much, by the way.)
But now I feel as described above. Something did set it off, but it was a minor thing that shoudn't have and, even if it did, never should have lasted this long. I'm left with two possibilities:
1 My antidepressants aren't working like the used to.
2 Life in general sucks so much that it was just waiting for any little thing to make me feel this way.
Both are possible. I've been thinking about the future. Bad idea. I've been thinking about the future financially: very bad idea. I think I may have ended up with the worst time to take over paying expenses directly rather than paying the yearly expenses averaged over twelve months. For the year I can definitely cover them. Right now ... fuck.
And tuition is always the wild that I don't really know if I can afford.
And there's a trip that I'd like to pretend to hope I could go on for the good of my mental health but if I think about it, which I did (damn it) I know that I can't cobble together $1,385 in the next month and an equal amount the month after that. (Seriously, to the day it's one month and two months away.) Especially not with insurance on the house (a once yearly bill) coming up at about the same time.
And all of this was bad enough when I started writing this post on the bus, but on the walk home I stepped on some snow covered ice and fell flat on by back, even hit my head which still hurts. I didn't think about it at the time, but do you know what happens when you fall on your back? You fall on your backpack. And what's in a backpack? Well at the time this computer was.
This computer that I love and was so grateful for.
The screen is broken and god knows what else is wrong from the damage of being crunched between a me and ice covered asphalt. I've got a warranty, but it still means I'll be without a working computer until I can find someone to bring it in, then have it be sent to be fixed, then have it be fixed, then have it be sent back.
So if you'll excuse me I have to find a hole to crawl into and then curl up into a ball. I'd try to cry but I know from experience that that never works. I cry at movies, I cry at songs, I cry at stories, I cry during nervous breakdowns (sometimes), but when I'm just really sad and want to let the tears run free all that happens is that I get an aching sensation where the tears refuse to come.