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Obviously the plan to get this written and posted yesterday didn't work. On the other hand, it was the plan to post this that got the previous post
I'd actually been meaning to write a post like this for ages, but there were two important factors holding me back. One is that my depression makes it hard to do anything. The other is that I always feel sleazy and cheap and other things along those lines when I ask for . . . anything really, but especially when I ask for money or stuff.
I feel like I'm abusing people's kindness, trying to get things I don't deserve, and providing nothing in return.
I know, however, that that feeling isn't entirely accurate. There are very much people who would like to help and telling them how they can do that isn't, inherently, a bad thing. That knowledge doesn't lessen the feeling.
The final impetus for actually writing this is that Kristycat asked, "Is there anything we can do to help?" eleven days ago.
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I really hate asking for money, but the simplest thing you can do to help is to give me money. Here's the Paypal.me link.
So, for the most part, being behind on bills has been a matter of depression leaving me too out of it to read mail, check accounts online, remember that bills are a thing, or even stand up (which is a necessary first step for various things that help with bill paying.) Or, to put it another way, the reason that my phone was turned off, someone was sent to disconnect the water if I didn't pay my water bill right then, and I came within a hair's breadth of losing my internet isn't that I couldn't pay.
The money was available, I just wasn't in a state where I could do anything with it. That being said, I very definitely need money I don't have. Part of this is late fees and interest, part of this is that when things get really bad sometimes it takes something that costs money to make it through that, and most of it is because . . .
Well, actually, let me pause for a moment and say that I have no idea where the fuck my finances are at. It's been at least six months (almost certainly eight, and quite possibly more) since I was actually on top of things enough to know where I stood.
Credit cards, my student loan, utilities, and such, can be looked up online with relative ease. I think it only took me four or five months to do so. It's what I owe my mom, who happens to be my landlord, that I don't know about.
She doesn't charge late fees or interest. She doesn't give penalties of any form for paying late. She's really nice about that stuff, in fact, which makes me feel like utter shit when, as now, I'm taking advantage of her kindness.
I have to be at least two thousand dollars behind. Probably more. (Maybe a lot more.) I don't know. I can find out, but it'll take more than visiting a website, and most of the time visiting a website is beyond me.
So, yeah, I need money. Lots of fucking money.
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[I'll try to come back tomorrow and provide the information necessary to actually turn this into a thing you can do]
I need shoes. I need a backpack. I need clothes.
My right foot doesn't lift evenly when I walk. (It's why, before I broke the left one, I sprained my right ankle so often.) The sole of that shoe is now worn down at a considerable angle. I'm not sure how much wear is left before it runs out of sole.
One of the main pockets of my backpack has a broken zipper. The other main pocket has a hole at the top; said hole is so large I've become accustomed to putting things in and taking things out without bothering to unzip the thing.
I have one pair of jeans. All of my other pants are unwearable, most of them because I wore right through them, and that turned into massive rips/holes at inopportune places.
I think I've got one decent skirt left. Maybe two.
I cycle through the same three t-shirts in perpetuity. They all have holes in them, sure, but unlike the rest of my shirts, said holes don't leave me indecent. Sometimes, if I haven't been able to do a load of laundry in a while, I add two others to the mix. Their holes don't leave me indecent, per se, but they're large enough and plentiful enough that each shirt has been relegated to the status of "emergency back up t-shirt".
I don't seem to have a winter coat. I'm honestly not sure how that happened.
The only non-damaged coat I do have is musty smelling suede jacket that I basically never use.
The coats that I do use are two hoodies. On the outside they look like two instances of the same thing, but one is of higher quality. I'm not sure that really matters anymore. They show their age mostly in the way they've faded into a color that might best be described as "Well . . . it used to be blue" and the absolute tatters the cuffs (that's the name for sleeve ends, right?) and pockets are in.
There's one other coat that I sometimes use if appearance matters. From the outside I think it looks ok, but the lining is damaged to the point that wearing it is decidedly odd.
None of this is the result of tragic accidents or any such thing, it's just what happens when things hit the point of threadbare and you keep going. It's been so long since I got new clothes that I've worn most of what I have to destruction, and the rest of it is pretty damned close to destruction.
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Once upon a time, depression took away my ability to enjoy reading books. That was devastating on multiple levels. Things have gotten much worse. Outside of a couple of franchise specific exceptions (which I'll get to), there's only one story format I can still engage with.
That format is video games. My best guess on why I can engage with them when I can't with any other form of storytelling is that it's tied up with how one is necessarily part of the action in a game. It's just a guess though, I very definitely don't know for sure.
The two franchises that I can still emotionally engage with outside of video games are My Little Pony (Friendship is Magic and Equestria Girls both) and Teen Titans (the 2003 series.)
When I thought I might be on the verge of writing again, and knew it would probably be MLP fanfic, I put together an Amazon wishlist of things I thought might help. There are three types of thing on there. The first is tie in reference books (all written from in-universe perspectives), the second is RPG books that I would use as reference books (and possibly to run a game if the relevant children are interested, but I've never done anything like that), and the third is art books (concept art is awesome.)
MLP is on Netflix, so you won't find the show itself on that list. Teen Titans is not on Netflix, so when I made a similar wishlist for it, I put the show as the top thing on the list. Originally that was the only thing I thought of, which wouldn't be much of a list, but then I remembered a recent Raven-centric comic that caught my interest, the actual tie in comic to the show,* which shouldn't be confused with the later show and comic of the same name, and Amazon reminded me that the "Teen Titans meet the Teen Titans" movie is a thing.
* though the collected editions only cover the first 32 issues, and I wasn't up for adding the remaining 23 issues to the list individually, and I really don't know why I couldn't just stick this on a wishlist.
When it comes to gaming . . . unless someone wants to buy me a gaming desktop (primary computer is a laptop), a console, or VR equipment, I think I should just stick to talking about the games themselves. Resident Evil 2 is at a steep discount on Steam until the 17th, Jedi: Fallen Order appears to be the Star Wars game I've been waiting for since Jedi Academy, and I'd like to get the DLC for Arkham Origins (while the season pass doesn't have all of it, it seems to have the important stuff.)
As mentioned though, I can actually engage with games in general. (It's not like I don't have depression dulling the feelings, but it's way better than nothing.) That means that I could potentially enjoy games I never heard of (see: Celeste.) Things I know I want are probably a safer bet, but the possibility exists that something outside the box could get good results.
No matter what, (if I understand Steam gifting correctly) someone wanting to give me a Steam game will need to find my Steam account. Here it is.
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There was probably supposed to be more, but I'm on the verge of losing consciousness. That's a good thing, though. Being asleep is better than being awake these days. So, away I go. Darkness take me.
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