I haven't written anything here in a while. Specifically I haven't written anything in a month and a week and day. That is not, in fact, what the title is referring to, it's mostly a coincidence of timing, though there's a decent enough chance of partial causation that one should not call it an unqualified coincidence, instead this a time for hedging.
Anyway, a month and a week and a day ago was when I wrote "Retrospective", the last thing I published here, and it also happens to be the date of an open thread at Ana Mardoll's. I handle the open threads, and because I'm there anyway, I often write up what's going on even if I have absolutely nothing to share. So, as a sort of low effort update on what's going on, I'm going to copy the stuff I've said at the open threads over that time into this post.
Also, there's kind of a deadline to this, because no one wants to hear about a month and a week and two days; it has no ring to it. So, low effort + deadline = decent chance I'll actually post this today, as I am planning to.
I'm planning on making a "things you can do if you want to help" post later today, which is part of why I didn't include the post to that effect in the following. Most of the rest of the reason being tied up in the fact that it was sort of hasty and therefore sort of . . . crap.
[Content Note: mostly severe depression with spikes of passive suicidal thinking and feeling, also financial stuff, and probably some other things I forgot about]
January 4th, Main Post:
January 17th, main post:
February 2nd, main post:
February 9th, main post:
Anyway, a month and a week and a day ago was when I wrote "Retrospective", the last thing I published here, and it also happens to be the date of an open thread at Ana Mardoll's. I handle the open threads, and because I'm there anyway, I often write up what's going on even if I have absolutely nothing to share. So, as a sort of low effort update on what's going on, I'm going to copy the stuff I've said at the open threads over that time into this post.
Also, there's kind of a deadline to this, because no one wants to hear about a month and a week and two days; it has no ring to it. So, low effort + deadline = decent chance I'll actually post this today, as I am planning to.
⁂
I'm planning on making a "things you can do if you want to help" post later today, which is part of why I didn't include the post to that effect in the following. Most of the rest of the reason being tied up in the fact that it was sort of hasty and therefore sort of . . . crap.
⁂
[Content Note: mostly severe depression with spikes of passive suicidal thinking and feeling, also financial stuff, and probably some other things I forgot about]
January 4th, Main Post:
Open Thread: Winter Floof
Unfortunately it was a wet day, so Elliot's floofiness isn't as visible as ideal when one is naming the open thread after that floofiness. None the less, that is a picture of a pony floofed up for winter.
January 4th, Comment:
I used that picture because it was already edited on my computer. Also: floofy pony.
I've been . . . well, I'm alive. Not long after I posted last week's open thread, Lonespark and I went to see the new Star Wars together. I meant to write a post about it the next day. Haven't started yet.
That was good (not the movie, seeing it with Lonespark) nothing else is or has been. Come mid February, it'll be three years since I broke my ankle. A few days more and it'll be three years since I needed to go off my hormones (because of surgery related blood clot risk) and that fucked up everything.
The injury is . . . I think I'd actually forgotten that there's a metal plate in my foot. It's long since passed. I'm not even close to having recovered mental-health-wise.
I was going to write a post looking back over those three years, talking about stuff that had changed, what I had-- yeah,this isn't quite that. Or all that close, really. I should probably remind everyone that I've never been actively suicidal, and have never engaged in self-harm.
Hope you're all doing better than I am.
~ ~ ~
January 4th, Comment:
I used that picture because it was already edited on my computer. Also: floofy pony.
I've been . . . well, I'm alive. Not long after I posted last week's open thread, Lonespark and I went to see the new Star Wars together. I meant to write a post about it the next day. Haven't started yet.
That was good (not the movie, seeing it with Lonespark) nothing else is or has been. Come mid February, it'll be three years since I broke my ankle. A few days more and it'll be three years since I needed to go off my hormones (because of surgery related blood clot risk) and that fucked up everything.
The injury is . . . I think I'd actually forgotten that there's a metal plate in my foot. It's long since passed. I'm not even close to having recovered mental-health-wise.
I was going to write a post looking back over those three years, talking about stuff that had changed, what I had-- yeah,this isn't quite that. Or all that close, really. I should probably remind everyone that I've never been actively suicidal, and have never engaged in self-harm.
Hope you're all doing better than I am.
⁂
January 17th, main post:
Open Thread: Snow Day
Picture taken yesterday morning on my sister's farm.
January 17th, comment:
[Content note: depression, passive suicidal thinking, the fear that it will become active]
Sorry about the lack of open thread last week. Depression has been really bad. Eating, drinking, sleeping has been hard. Too hard to do right more often than not. There have been times when I couldn't do anything but cry and want everything to be over.
Wanting to disappear, wanting the world to go away and never bother me again, wanting to give up, wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. Imagining, say, being hit by a car and finding the idea fairly positive.
A fear and sadness filled breakdown when when I wondered how many times I can come up to the edge of suicidal without taking that next step and becoming suicidal.
So on. So forth. Honestly, nothing really out of the ordinary. Just more of the same, if unusually intense.
I haven't written in two weeks. The last post I wrote, which was the "woe is me, I can't write fiction anymore" shit that everything is these days, was on the same day as the previous open thread. The previous open thread being two weeks ago because I failed to post one last week.
~ ~ ~
January 17th, comment:
[Content note: depression, passive suicidal thinking, the fear that it will become active]
Sorry about the lack of open thread last week. Depression has been really bad. Eating, drinking, sleeping has been hard. Too hard to do right more often than not. There have been times when I couldn't do anything but cry and want everything to be over.
Wanting to disappear, wanting the world to go away and never bother me again, wanting to give up, wanting to go to sleep and never wake up. Imagining, say, being hit by a car and finding the idea fairly positive.
A fear and sadness filled breakdown when when I wondered how many times I can come up to the edge of suicidal without taking that next step and becoming suicidal.
So on. So forth. Honestly, nothing really out of the ordinary. Just more of the same, if unusually intense.
I haven't written in two weeks. The last post I wrote, which was the "woe is me, I can't write fiction anymore" shit that everything is these days, was on the same day as the previous open thread. The previous open thread being two weeks ago because I failed to post one last week.
⁂
February 2nd, main post:
Open Thread: Puppy
There are sixteen dogs in my sister's house now. Her two adult dogs, their thirteen puppies, and a housemate's adult dog. This is one of them, her name (for some inexplicable reason) is Panda-dora. When the picture was taken she was a month and a week and a day old.
Sorry there was no Open Thread a week ago. Sorry this is so late.
February 2nd, comment:
[CN: depression and a dash of passive suicidal thinking/feeling.]
I'm still alive. That's basically where the good news ends. (And it doesn't even feel like good news to me.)
I don't know the last time I wrote something. Definitely nothing new since last time.
There hasn't been anything notably bad that's happened. Just sort of steady-state not-good status quo.
That status quo involves my sister completely disrupting any attempt to turn things around by getting me to come up to her house all the fucking time. This isn't because she got run over, by the way. It's how she always is. She calls on everyone all the time without really caring about what it does to their lives.
That's not the primary thing, though, because her disrupting attempts to make things better only matters if those attempts exist, and usually they don't.
Sorry there was no Open Thread a week ago. Sorry this is so late.
~ ~ ~
February 2nd, comment:
[CN: depression and a dash of passive suicidal thinking/feeling.]
I'm still alive. That's basically where the good news ends. (And it doesn't even feel like good news to me.)
I don't know the last time I wrote something. Definitely nothing new since last time.
There hasn't been anything notably bad that's happened. Just sort of steady-state not-good status quo.
That status quo involves my sister completely disrupting any attempt to turn things around by getting me to come up to her house all the fucking time. This isn't because she got run over, by the way. It's how she always is. She calls on everyone all the time without really caring about what it does to their lives.
That's not the primary thing, though, because her disrupting attempts to make things better only matters if those attempts exist, and usually they don't.
⁂
February 9th, main post:
Open Thread: Ice on a Windshield
Not much to say about this one. While I think the liquid water in the upper right adds to the picture, it doesn't add enough, in my opinion, to make it into the title.
Sorry that this is late again, but at least it exists.
February 9th, comment:
[CN: More of the same, so financial troubles, depression, a touch of passive suicidal thinking (but not much of the last one.)]
Fell so far behind on my bills that my landline has been disconnected. I didn't even notice until I tried to make an outgoing call earlier this afternoon.
The sad part is that that wasn't one of the bills I had any reason to fall behind on. The money was there, I've just been too out of it to go through the necessary motions. I almost had the same thing happen to my internet a week or two ago, and came within a hair's breadth of having my water turned off in . . . January, I think?
Maybe December or November for the water. It all runs together. Could be January, like I originally said, but I honestly wouldn't surprise me if it were October or some such instead.
My utilities, at least, don't charge absurd late fees. They just want to get paid, it's not like credit card companies and such that see late fees and interest as the place where the real money is made.
The one truly getting screwed by all of this isn't even me. It's my mom. She doesn't charge late fees; she doesn't disconnect my utilities. As such, when there isn't enough money, she's the one who doesn't get paid. I don't even know the last time I paid her, at this point what I owe her has to be downright staggering, but I won't know how much it is until I go through a bunch of records (because I haven't been keeping proper track) and I'm honestly not sure when I'll be in a state where I can do that.
Everything sucks, and I'm pretty sure I'm a horrible person. I look down on m sister when abuses my mom's willingness to . . . basically to suffer to make my sister's life easier, and here I am doing the same thing. I'm hurting her financially and emotionally (money is, far and away, the thing that puts the most stress on my already constantly stressed mother.) Not really in a position to judge my sister's mistreating of our mom, if I'm doing the same damned thing.
Everything sucks, a lot of things hurt, and I just want to go to sleep and have the world go away.
Sorry that this is late again, but at least it exists.
~ ~ ~
February 9th, comment:
[CN: More of the same, so financial troubles, depression, a touch of passive suicidal thinking (but not much of the last one.)]
Fell so far behind on my bills that my landline has been disconnected. I didn't even notice until I tried to make an outgoing call earlier this afternoon.
The sad part is that that wasn't one of the bills I had any reason to fall behind on. The money was there, I've just been too out of it to go through the necessary motions. I almost had the same thing happen to my internet a week or two ago, and came within a hair's breadth of having my water turned off in . . . January, I think?
Maybe December or November for the water. It all runs together. Could be January, like I originally said, but I honestly wouldn't surprise me if it were October or some such instead.
My utilities, at least, don't charge absurd late fees. They just want to get paid, it's not like credit card companies and such that see late fees and interest as the place where the real money is made.
The one truly getting screwed by all of this isn't even me. It's my mom. She doesn't charge late fees; she doesn't disconnect my utilities. As such, when there isn't enough money, she's the one who doesn't get paid. I don't even know the last time I paid her, at this point what I owe her has to be downright staggering, but I won't know how much it is until I go through a bunch of records (because I haven't been keeping proper track) and I'm honestly not sure when I'll be in a state where I can do that.
Everything sucks, and I'm pretty sure I'm a horrible person. I look down on m sister when abuses my mom's willingness to . . . basically to suffer to make my sister's life easier, and here I am doing the same thing. I'm hurting her financially and emotionally (money is, far and away, the thing that puts the most stress on my already constantly stressed mother.) Not really in a position to judge my sister's mistreating of our mom, if I'm doing the same damned thing.
Everything sucks, a lot of things hurt, and I just want to go to sleep and have the world go away.
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