Tuesday, October 3, 2017


I actually found out yesterday.  Early in the day yesterday.  I've been kind of emotionally dead since then.

I . . . I just . . . fuck.

At any given time, even at its height, most of the farm wasn't being farmed and, while never what I wanted, having the bulk of it sold off to people who would keep it undeveloped and have it be public walking trails would have been . . . acceptable, I guess is an appropriate term.  And it would have allowed us to keep, at least, the house and the greenhouse.

My sister's been working on it for ages and the group in question has been actively working with us toward that end for over a year.

At least they said they were.  Sale to go through in November.

Sale to go through in Novemeber; they waited until the first business day of October to back out.


The involved lawyers have never seen anything like this and have no idea what happened.  Going into the weekend everything was fine.  Come Monday and suddenly they've decided to trash the whole deal.  The only reason that they'll give is that the incident where the neighbors tried to get the police to shoot my sister has made them sour on the deal.

I'll remind you that that happened a year, a month, and ten days before October started.  They've known about it for ages.  If they're being honest about their reasons, then they strung us along for a year knowing that they never intended to actually go through with things.  No one involved has seen anything like that.  If they're not being honest about their reasons then they backstabbed us for unknown and unknowable reasons when the deal was all but closed.  No one involved has seen anything like that.

Regardless, by waiting until the month before the sale, they're made any alternative plan impossible.  Three months ago?  Maybe.  Six months ago?  Sure.  A year ago?  Just fine.  One fucking month before the end and the plan that was everything short of being carved in stone gets completely demolished with no warning?

And so, all is doomed.  Which is probably why I didn't eat much of anything yesterday, and I've spent today feeling like the parts of me that should feel are . . . empty.  All is void.

Though I have been crying a lot.

I grew up there.  I know some of the God damned trees on a personal level.

For fuck's sake it's . . .

I can't even.


I'm going to go and read saccharine sweet stories about brightly colored ponies.

Maybe if I read about a happy world where good things triumph and love can conquer all and human assholicness is physically incapable of ruining all the things I might . . . feel . . . something.

Maybe even something that doesn't hurt.