Excerpt from the findings of the Tri-Rodent Commission on the recent inexplicable events

Due to the lack of confirmed hamster sightings in the immediate area a near consensus has formed rejecting the "Gnawed on by Hamsters" theory, however, for a dissenting view, please see The Chronicles of the Hamster I·ninja·ati, in particular "Chapter 7: Gnawing Undetected".

Trump and losing

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.]
[So, for context someone said . . . I'll just copy it.]

Tsotate wrote:

He might be happy at taking the party down with him, but he'll never be happy about his name now becoming synonymous with "loser". There's a facebook event with over nine-thousand people signed up to stand outside Trump Tower pointing and laughing on November 9. That's not the sort of response Trump can be happy about.

So I responded with:

-

He's the best at everything. He even loses big. He's the best loser. Other people might lose their car keys, but Trump can lose so much more. Nobody loses like Trump.

Did over nine thousand people show up to point and laugh at Mitt Romney? No. But they will for Trump. Why? Because when Trump loses he loses YUGE. Nobody loses better. Trump loses best.

Trump is great at losing. Why they ought to call it, "Trumping" he's so good at it.

- - -

Did I say there were four Trump things?  I think I did.  That means we've reached the end of "Trump Trump Trump Trump"  Woo!

Six word stories

First off, the classic Twilight Zone version:

"To Serve Mankind", it's a cookbook.

* * *

For myself, I'm not the best at this, better at hints of setting:

-

I was dead at the time.

Being on the moon with Steve.

Helheim is invaded by flying saucers.

Carter served three terms back home.

Mirrors are the worst guarded gateways.

Yesterday depends upon what happens tomorrow.

When an AI tells you, "Run. . ."

The aliens want our Dijon mustard.

(And the sequel:)

The troglodytes want our yellow mustard.

Zombies are ok; others are terrifying.

Time till oxygen reserves depleted extended.

Do not touch the planetary soil.

So, we blew up the ship.

Robots are fine; humans in revolt.

It's not the Earth I left.

Naglfar has collided with Planet X.

Avoid the Rapture; move to Mars!

All it took was a toaster.

Easter Island was the Alien FOB.

We learned to fight without seeing.

Exchange rates fluctuate faster than light.

All they wanted were some rocks.

After the war, we were wanderers.

Moon mining is much safer now.

Let's nuke the site from orbit.

It ate our command crew; perfect.

In zero gravity, skirts aren't recommended.

We should run and hide now.

Reversing the polarity usually doesn't work.

Anyone receiving this message, run away.

Peace with the squids is advisable.

It's always, "Fix technobabble or die."

Of all possible worlds, why Earth?

We killed their god by accident.

We've evolved a more enlightened imperialism.

I love this falling apart ship.

An overthruster replaced the flux capacitor.

Particle, wave?  Who cares?  Let's surf.

I will have hated time travel.

* * *

And so on.

[Original Work Index]

Peter and Susan on Narnian Naval Weaponry

[So this really short bit was originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

Peter: Susan, I know that thou wisheth to make use of our dream knowledge from otherworld.
Susan: Peter, I know that you're going overboard with the really bad impression of old style English and want to pretend that England is a dream.
Peter: Dear Madam--
Susan: Which, how does that work anyway? How can there be English without an England?
Peter: Now my high, but not as high as me, queen, I thinkest that we goeth off tracketh.
*Susan tries not to laugh; she fails*
Peter: We do not haveth this powder of the gun to put in the noncanonical cannon.
Susan: Perhaps if we fired a phoenix from a ballista then?
Peter: Aren't you supposed to be gentle!?
Susan: I think it was the Americans who said, "Speak gently, but wield tremendous firepower," or something to that effect.

-

Some things don't require explanation.

Or maybe...

So they plan to be running away and yet are sure that they'll have no problem sinking enemy ships.  Running away rules out ramming, sinking instead of disabling rules out a lot more things.  So how exactly were they planning to sink the pursuing ships?

-

[Narnia Index]

Two Skywalkers and a Vader, and other prequel era stuff (The mother skywalker's weapons, Anakin and Darth after a battle)

Somehow this never ended up here.   Maybe because it's so short, but I've done shorter.  Anyway, take my non-Jedi-Truth fix for the whole "Vader betrayed and murdered your father, wait, he is your father" problem that the original trilogy had, and Darth (name, not a title) and Anakin were two different students of Obi-Wan who may well have been friends before Darth turned.  So, rewind to the clone wars, and we get the following.

-

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

[If] we retain the original idea that Anakin and Vader are separate people by having Anakin steal Vader's identity, and we give [unnamed Skywalker mother] her own story as a Jedi and the third of Obi Wan's apprentices. Then I have a Clone Wars era scene in my head:

The three of them backed up against a wall while a large fighting force approaches

[unnamed mother]: It looks like ten contubernium: 80 soldiers.
Anakin Skywalker: A full centuria, I'm impressed.
Darth Vader: Eighty soldiers against two Skywalkers and Vader? They don't stand a chance.

Vader lights his red (which does not represent evil, damn it) lightsaber, [Unnamed mother] her purple one, Anakin Skywalker his whitish blue one.

Cue epic fight scene.

-

Since I wrote that I've had more thoughts about [unnamed Skywalker mother] and also the dynamic between Anakin and Vader.  By the way, the reason I still say [unnamed mother] is that if I did a Star Wars rewrite I'd try to tell the story of the prequels as indicated in the original trilogy, which is so divergent from the prequels as produced that it kind of seems like an outrageous stretch to use them to claim her name is knowable, known, and "Padme".

For [unnamed mother] I like the idea that she's the tinkerer of the group.  Of note is that she tinkers with lightsabers.  She's just never been satisfied with one or two of normal design and length.

She tries various things, saber plus a parry dagger, bulky but short bladed things with three blades designed to be as Sai like as possible without cutting of your own fingers.  Attemps to make a light weapon weapon that can be used like a staff (don't try at home you'll cut yourself in half.)

Then she gets taken with the idea of tonfa (no, not a tonfa that a saber blade randomly comes out of for no apparent reason, actual tonfa.)  To go up against a lightsaber, or indeed against blasters, the stick would have to be replaced with lightsaber-like blades.  Obviously this requires guards as long as the two blades so one doesn't cut off one's own arm.  That was easy.  They're simple mechanical things that fold up when not in use.  No, the hard part was making it so that the blades would go at right angles to the grip because any non-blade portion of the "stick" portion would be vulnerable to, you know, getting your weapon chopped up.

Once she figured out how to do that, though, she'd found her ideal weapon.

The purple light tonfa of [unnamed mother] would come to be feared by the forces of evil throughout the galaxy.

-

After a battle I picture Vader being upbeat and happy, "We were awesome, we lived, we won, what's not to celebrate?" while Anakin is more sullen, "We killed a lot of people, we should have found another way with less death involved," and Obi Wan pointing out that they're both right.  Anakin should take joy in the fact that he's alive, his best friend (Vader) is alive, his wife ([unnamed mother]) is alive, but Vader should tone it down a bit and remember that while living is good, killing is not, and thus, really, the two of them should both find a middle ground that celebrates life without overlooking the death.

After a battle [unnamed mother] tends to go to her workshop and tinker, so she's not involved in the boys amateur philosophizing and she'd agree with Obi-Wan anyway.  We lived=Good; we killed a lot of people to do that=bad.  War sucks, but we can still recognize that another day alive is a good thing.

Family relationships amoung gods

I was thinking... I don't know.  Quite possibly something Loki related because, let's honest, what isn't?

Anyway, this popped into my head:

-

Mortal: You two are related how?

God One: His mother is my father.

*Mortal has look of total incomprehension*

God One: (to God Two:) What did I say?

God Two: Some mortals have difficulty comprehending the ways of the gods.

*God One has look of confusion, then*

God One: Ohhhh.   (To mortal:) What I meant to say was--

God Two: Don't even try; it's too late now.

-

Note that if this were Loki's kids it would probably have to be two of Loki's sons (the horse and the snake) and it would need to be switched to "His father is my mother" because the serpent has to be god two on account of spending a lot of time in Midgard (check the name) and thus being wise to the ways of mortals while the horse lives amoungst the gods and thus doesn't see why it would be confusing that one person's father could be another person's mother.

And honestly, now that I've written that, I'm not sure that it wasn't, "His father is my mother," to begin with (with the current state being a result of jumbling in the time between thought and text.)

Regardless, I think the exchange works best with gods that can pass as human, which (as far as I know) the horse and the snake can not.  (Though other-Loki did make the serpent pass as a cat once.)

Jill asked Aslan what to do with a whip

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]
[Canon Context: Our intrepid heroes venture out of Narnia and into a school in England.  Aslan does the gaslighting, Eustace and dead Caspian beat (while being careful not to cut) boys with swords, and Jill is left to do the whipping of the girls (with a riding crop, if you need 100% accuracy.)  It is notable that Lewis had a fetish about girls being whipped.]
[Bible Context: John 2, Mark 11/Matt 21; John 8]

Jill: What am I supposed to do with a whip?
Aslan: I've always yelled, "MONEY CHANGERS!" and found it worked wonders.
Jill: But they aren't money changers.
Aslan: Look, unless you have a fig tree in need of rebuking I can't actually help that much.
Jill: So...
Aslan: Just don't think about why the author gave you a whip.
*pause*
Jill: Too late; I thought about it.
Aslan: I told you not t-- Ok, what if we just...
Eustace: Aslan?
Aslan: I'm sorry, I just... Why are we beating up kids again?
Caspian: The law of the Author says that we must beat them. What are you doing?
Aslan: Writing in the dirt.

-

[Narnia Index]

Real American Hero

Still not accomplishing much on the post making.  Additionally my fears about the washing machine were founded.  New part does not fix the problem.  All that's left to do is recheck the wiring and, if nothing is obviously disconnected, concluded that it is beyond my ability to fix.  Then spiral into despair over not being able to afford a new machine.

So, here's something I wrote ten days ago in response to Bree Newsome (described at Ana Mardoll's, and Fred Clark's) being described as a "Real American Hero" when, due to my dad's fondness for a certain advertising campaign, I can only think of as a beer commercial.

(Originally posted at Slacktivist.)

Bud Light presents Real American Heroes
(Real American Heroes)
Today we salute you, Ms. Confederate flag taker downer woman.
(Ms. Confederate flag taker downer.)
Without you, a symbol of hate would be souring the view.
(Fuck bigotry.)
But you, ma'am, scaled that pole and took it down.
(Climb like Mulan!)
And why did you do it? Because you know that the state shouldn't be celebrating treason, slavery, and hate but the people in charge will never do anything about it.
(They're fucking jerks.)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Lite, you lord of the flag pole, and know that when America is looking for a woman to get the job done you rise to the occasion.
(You rise to the occasion.)

God's Home Town: The Divine Feminine

So, in the post here where I talked about the setting, I completely forgot about this idea.

I'm not sure why but I like the idea of God, who is Christian God because Jesus is his/her/its son, having at least two different aspects represented in different ways.

Male aspect, with which most people in town are most familiar, is a booming voice from the sky.  Any Fire and Brimstone(TM) comes from him, though mostly he's the generic nice God of pop culture, though he is concerned with sin and is judgmental.  Probably less forgiving than Jesus.

If I have stuff like the burning bush, that would be the genderless aspect of God and I don't really have a personality worked out for that yet.

Feminine aspect represents herself as a human being who generally limits herself to doing things human beings can do, and (as a result) some people don't even realize that she isn't human.

I think she probably wears low cost, highly worn clothes and resemble stereotypical wardrobe department poor-person/street person.  (Which makes a kind of sense because she doesn't maintain a residence.)

Also, she does stuff she's not, strictly speaking, supposed to do:

*Person heads into Hell to lead a trapped group of soul freeers out through an entrance only Person knows about*

Person: You jerks getting trapped ended my family's long tradi-*
Person: *shocked* God?
*the Divine Feminine is one of the soul freers with a group of semi-rescued souls*
Divine Feminine: *waves* Hi.
Person: If you wanted souls to get out of Hell, couldn't you just, you know, will it?
*Divine Feminine gives Person a look*
Person: *groan of understanding tone* Ineffable.

Person: Why do you need my help to get out?
Divine Feminine: I don't; they do. *pointing to others*
Person: You're God, couldn't you-
Divine Feminine: Oh yeah, use my powers and let all of Hell know that I've violated our treaty.  That'll go over great.
Person: Sarcasm.
Divine Feminine: Quite
Person: Blasphemy at you and a pox on your house.

*Person begins leading the group out of Hell*

-

* Generations long tradition of never taking sides or in any way getting involved in divine politics.  The family has a long tradition of apolitical existence in which the town's oddities are exploited for personal gain and only personal gain.  Breaking people out of Hell is a strict no-no.

How I met Michael Mock (for legal purposes assume this to be fiction)

It came up on facebook.  Addressed to Michael Mock (thus he is the "you"). Reproduced below:

It was just after getting back from stopping the zombie apocalypse of 2052, the temporal distortion had been intense (it created an entirely new timeline, after all) and it made for a somewhat hard landing.

I was disoriented, the driver was trying to fix the rear axle, and I am so, so sorry about what happened to your clothes.

I swear I didn't know that [redacted] stained so much. Anyway, I hope the dry cleaning went well, though it occurs to me that I've never asked, and thanks for not messing up the timeline by telling me we'd already met when we next met.

All things considered, it's kind of surprising we only overshot by that much, it was a 40 year trip crossing timelines midstream, but the important thing is that we met, soon after I was returned to the time whence I had originally come, and the driver made it back to her home time too.

Also, no zombies. Generally a good thing.

-

[Original Work Index]

(Since we're calling it fiction)

NRA: Chloe got her licks in

[Originally posted at Slacktivist.]
[The canonical conversation goes thus:

(Chloe:) “Then I got my licks in, telling her all about how you and I met, where you were when the Rapture happened, and how you and I and Daddy became believers.”

(Buck:) “Verna must have thought we were all from another planet.”

One could read getting her licks in as accidental honesty at how aggressive and unpleasant RTC witnessing is.  Or, one could read it like this:]

-

"Then I got my licks in," Chloe said.

"That's good," Buck said.

"Yeah," Chloe said with her voice becoming distant and a faraway look in her eyes. "She's tasty."

"What?!"

"I mean, I told her all about how you and I met, where you were when the Rapture happened, and how you and I and Daddy became believers.”

“Verna must have thought we were all from another planet.”

"It felt like we were floating," Chloe said, the distance returning.

"What was that?"

"Um... it felt like we were fighting. She's so hostile and combative and stuff."

"Ok, ok."

-

[Left Behind Index]

Recruiting souls

No one chooses to be born, as other means of creating people come into being it will likely still be the case that no one chooses to be made.  One can choose to be cloned, but the clone has no choice in the matter.

But one wonders if such things could happen.

One imagines, in some future where we've found a way to avoid creating people without getting their consent, someone standing in a spiritual plane of existence with a clipboard in hand, sighing at how behind ze is.

"I've got a body on earth, a perfectly good healthy body, can I--"

Soul 1, "No."

"Ok, you, you there, can I interest you in a human body on earth?"

Soul 2, "Nope."

"Hey, souly soul-looking person near the back, want a body?  Good health, rich family--"

Soul 3, "No!"

"COME ON PEOPLE!  I've got access to a human body on earth and it's yours for the taking, doesn't anybody here want it."

Soul who is just passing by, "Earth, what a shithole."

"Damn it, I'm never going to meet my quota."

-

Or something like that.

The obvious Frozen, Avatar (TV series), Rise of the Guardians crossover that 20,000 people have probably already suggested

I find myself wishing I had enough available funds to buy cold medicine so first, here's a link to a past post in which the post zombie apocalypse narrator says that what he misses most from civilization is cold medicine.  Second, just a quick post here.

Before I ever saw Frozen, Lonespark told me that, being an Avatar fan, she saw Elsa as an Ice Bender.  Water Benders have an affinity for ice and while I don't think there are any examples where someone can Ice Bend without being able to control liquid water it's certainly not outside the realm of possibility.  So, then, what Elsa needed was a mentor in the art of Ice Bending to help her control her powers.  (Stark contrast to the hide from the world and try to never use her powers plan her parents set her on.)

I suggested Jack Frost, from Rise of the Guardians.  I was told that he and Elsa would make a good fit and now that I have seen the movie, and even written about a theme it shares with Wreak it Ralph, I definitely agree.

What Elsa needed growing up was to be taken under the wing of Jack Frost and tutored in the role of controlling ice.  More fun, less depression/isolation/loneliness, and moreover more control.  By teaching her to use her power she wouldn't end up having it slip out when she got frustrated/aggravated/scared/angry.

"Do you want to build a snow man?" would come the question.

"Yes!" would come the reply.

Jack, the immortal flying Ice Bender could help Elsa lead Arendelle in the treacherous world of Fire, Air, Water, and Earth benders.

Quick and silly on what locusts should be called

I think they should be called Flying Grasshoppers of Doom.

As I was saying this to someone they pointed out that when I say "Locusts" (over the phone, while drained and tired) it sounds like "locus."  So this would assist people like me in communication because if someone thinks you're saying "Locus" when you're saying "Locust" that could really hinder communication.

That's not why I think they should be called Flying Grasshoppers OF DOOM.

I think they should be called flying grasshoppers of doom because they are flying grasshoppers of doom.

But it was pointed out that "Flying grasshoppers of doom," is kind of long.  Not succinct like "Locusts."

So I suggested that one could ROUS them.

Which would result in FGOD.  "F-GOD?  Eff God?"

Totally unintentional, but that's what the Egyptians were saying during the 8th Plague so clearly it's not just a silly idea; it's density.  We must call them Flying Grasshoppers of Doom.

Narnia (Snarky Twilight): Lucy, meet Bella.

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]
[Lucy has just discovered that reading a spell to make herself more beautiful, something she has never shown an interest in, will cause rampant death and destruction.  She says what's in bold italic.  After that we diverge from the main text.]

Lucy: I will say the spell.  I don’t care. I will.

Bella: Does that really sound like you?
Lucy: What?
Bella: Look, I'm just a story hopper looking for time off from my abusive misogynist alleged one true pairing, so clearly I don't have all the details here, but given your thoughts and actions in the past, do you think that's the sort of thing you'd say?
Lucy: I did say it.
Bella: That's true, but not what I asked.
*a pause*
Lucy: No. No, it doesn't. *Lucy's eyes become downcast here* I don't even know why I said it.
Bella: There's nothing to be ashamed of; most people do what their author writes them as doing.
Lucy: So what should I do?
Bella: You should do whatever you think is right, not just whatever the author writes.
Lucy: I won't say the spell.
Bella: See, that sounded like you.

-

[Snarky Twilight Index][Narnia]

Twilight: "I may not be a human, but I am a man"

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]

[From Twilight:] “I may not be a human, but I am a man,” he assured me.

What does that even mean? I mean in another context it might mean, "Male pronouns, please," or something, but he's talking about sexual desire here.

"I may not be human, but like Zeus I am a man and so am on the lookout for younger men with whom I can have intercrural sexual relations."

"I may not be human, but I am a man. A man like Sherlock Holmes. I have no sexual desires at all."

"I may not be human, but I am a man. A man like Ramses the Second, I plan to have sex with as many women as I can so why not you?"

"I may not be human, but I am a man. And as a man let me say I find you as hot as I find Dr. Banner."

"I may not be human, but I am a man. Sort of like Jesus."
"Da Vinci Code Jesus, or Shaker Jesus?"
"What, and spoil the ending?"

"I may not be human, but I am a man. Like all those men who won't be able to get married in this state until December 6th, 2012."
"What?"
"Ask Alice."

"I may not be human, but I am a man. A man who is fantasizing about a three way involving you, me, and Eric."

"I may not be human, but I am a man. A man who is over 100 years old. You're a bit young for me Isabella."

"I may not be human but what the fuck does this even mean?

-

[Twilight Index]

[Insert post title here.]

[Insert where, if originally posted elsewhere, it was originally posted.  Probably one of the usual suspects.]
[Insert explanation here: I want a post rather than empty space but don't have time to make one.]

[Insert introductory paragraph(s) here.]

-

[Insert body here.]

-

[Insert link to appropriate index, if applicable, here.]

[Brilliant comments should follow this, but that's really not up to me.]

The height of weapons technology

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Ramblings.]
[Ok, so some explanation might be required in terms of context.  You see people were discussing the game of baseball as played by Twilight vampires and that inevitably leads to the question of how one would cut vampire flesh from vampire bones if one were going to make them into baseball bats that might be used when the balls routinely break the sound barrier during pitches with the answer, of course, being vampire teeth.]

"And this is the height of weapons technology."
"It's a wooden sword."
"Yes, it is."
"Wooden swords are very good a killing people, provided that the cutting edge is made of something appropriately sharp, like chipped obsidian, but only unarmed people. The moment they come up against a metal sword they shatter. In fact it is believed that it was the conquistador's metal swords, not their guns, that allowed them to conquer the wooden sword wielding natives."
"This is all true, but don't you want to know what the blade is made out of?"
"Fine. What?"
"Vampire teeth."
"I still say it would be better if you set the teeth into something stronger, like metal or vampire bone."

-

[Original, I suppose, or maybe Twilight]

Very Beginning of a tentacly story

[Originally posted at Off Topic Productions forums years ago]

Since this thread is full of random, I give you a thing I wrote last night that has no connection to anything. It seems clear to me that it is the beginning, or rather the beginning of the beginning, (in fact it is short enough that you can probably add an arbitrary number of "of the beginning"s to the end of that phrase without compromising its truth value) of whatever it should be. It looks like a beginning, it sounds like a beginning, it even smells like one. But, given that I have no followup whatsoever, it will be forced to stand alone.

-

When you've been shot and left for dead you find yourself asking a lot of questions. Questions like: Why did this happen to me? Why would anyone want to shoot me? How long before I bleed to death? Are the tentacles growing out of my side natural? Am I really an Eldritch Abomination? What exactly is the derivation of the word Eldritch? You know, stuff like that. The question that got me out of that fugue was, is that a Coca-Cola bottle?

My longest tentacle had discovered it. I touched some more, felt around it. The feeling wasn't quite the same as touching it with my fingers, but it was definitely a Coca-Cola bottle. The cap was still on it. I wrapped the tentacle around it and lifted it. Then I smiled; it was still full. I opened the bottle with my upper tentacle and brought it to my lips. I thought, these could be really useful, if I weren't about to die. But as I drank the soda I became aware of something. My life didn't seem to be fading away anymore. The pain had passed and I was feeling better.

I rolled onto my belly -I had to roll leftwards because of the tentacles- and pushed myself onto my knees. At first I was lightheaded, but the moment passed. When I got to my feet I wasn't as steady as I might have liked, but I was more than capable of getting myself the hell out of there.

-

[Original Work Index]

Ok, you know what?

I'm not having the best day, I command you, as your something and overlord, to cheer me up.