Monday, July 9, 2012

10 reasons for vampires to attend high school

[Originally posted at Ana Mardoll's Rambings.]
[In no particular order]

In response to: while I can't see any reason for a century-old vampire to be sitting through English IV again.
I'm providing a case study for an upcoming work on the American Educational System which will include basic information such as lesson plans and grades but also in depth information including but not limited to what every single individual, student or teacher, was thinking on a moment by moment basis as the lesson plans were implemented.
It is hoped that these pychic studies will, eventually, be used to revolutionize the teaching process and pay dividends in the ability to maintain student attention.
Option two:
vampire: If you could be anywhere on earth doing anything you wanted to do, where would be and what would you be doing?
human: Not going to a small town high school.
vampire: Which is exactly why the vampire hunters will never look for us here.
Option three:
The five of us made a bet with Carlise and Esme, we lost badly.
Option 4
People expect teenagers to act freakishly strange. I haven't had to brush up on the modern world in half a century and nobody's noticed anything odd.
Option 5
Somehwere, deep within this building, an artifiact is hidden that coud-
What? destroy the world-
You're seriously messing up my ominous speech vibe with all the interruptions.
What is it?
It was smuggled into the country in 1945 under cover of darkness on-
But what does it DO?
Fine, it's believed allow vampires to have children. My sister has desperately wanted a baby of her own for so very long.
Option 6
It's about time you learn that witches are real too. A while back a member of my family really pissed off a witch, Bob was his name, and he inflicted upon us a terrible curse. We are damned to repeat high school until the least appealing amoung us gains a mate.
Option 7
One of our number was severely injured, and memories take so long to regenerate. We think he's operating on instinct and fragments of his human life. Which means that we think he's probably taken a job as a highchool teacher in a place with little sunshine.
And I think we're right, we're so close I can almost taste it, but his powers included the ability to change his appearance so it's not completely clear.
Option 8
I've been told that one of the world's leading experts on gamma radiation is a teacher at this school, but be becomes suspicious when approached by adults, a student he'd seen for years before taking his class might gain his trust.
Option 9
Young blood is the tastiest blood, but too young and it isn't ripe yet. This is the Goldilocks' zone.
Option 10
We like our new recruits to be of a certain age. Four years to judge them as peers followed by them, by and large, being expected to leave town right at the ideal age... it's not a high school, it's a recruitment center. The paperwork is annoying, but the results speak for themselves.


(which one depends largely on which reason you're looking at.)


  1. "High school is the acme of American emotional culture. Everything so much more intense, and at the same time so much easier to manipulate."

  2. "I got turned young, and if I'm not in school I have to constantly deal with humans calling the truancy officer. And I hate the taste of truancy officers. At least it's not public school."

    1. Looking in a mirror at eighteen-year-old me and looking at the nearby family picture including thirteen-year-old me, I see pretty much the same thing. (I just went and actually looked, and arguably I looked older at thirteen than now.) Shouldn't be too hard for them to pass.

      Personally I've never had truancy officers bother me about going out and about during school hours (due to homeschooling). Going out at 11 PM does (well, did) get you comments about how late it is for kids to be going out. (To which I cheerfully responded, "What do you mean, late? It's still three more hours until bedtime!")

      (As for the pre-pubescent child vampires, I always thought they should claim to have some obscure syndrome whose symptoms include a childlike appearance and light sensitivity. With the power of the Volturi behind them, they could probably even fake some studies to cite on Wikipedia to corroborate the story. Might be able to get away with not doing that and simply saying it's really obscure if making an article is considered too revealing or they don't have a vampire-Illuminati to help them.)

      (I think I've been rather more serious than the post I'm responding to. *shrug*)