..but to carry on.
Some people are impressed that I walk so much to get places. My school, which is also where my psychologist is located, is in the city across the river. Figure and hour to an hour and a half walk. The psychiatrist is in the same city, further away. Less than two hours, exact timing unclear. Longer if I'm tired of course.
There's nothing to be impressed with. Once you've started you don't have much choice. I might feel like I should just give up and collapse where I stand, but I can't, because I'm not in a place to do it. I have to take the next step because there's nothing else to do and nowhere else to go. I have no choice but to carry on.
Or, I suppose, we could go with Frost, I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. It's out of his hands, it's out of my hands, there's no choice in the matter, one must move forward.
For anyone who read the last post, or looked at the tags on this one, or is just good at guessing. Yes, I'm going to turn this into a depression analogy.
A short one, because there's not much to say. I've been lucky enough to never be suicidal, other people don't have that luxury but I do. And that means that I can base my life around the fact that the next day is coming, there's nothing I can do about it, I have to face it, I have no choice.
Choices are where I break down, choices can fuck everything up. (Though people ordering me around generally doesn't help either) but when I have no choice that can keep things going.
Tomorrow is coming. It will come sooner than I'd like, I'll face it worse than I'd like, it will end before I've done what I wanted to do during it, and generally speaking it will go worse than I wanted it to, but none of this changes the fact that tomorrow will come and I will have to face it.
I have no choice.
So I carry on.
I would walk more, if I did not have three children to take everywhere with me. Two manage fine walking 2-3 miles and back again, but the youngest will only walk 30 minutes or so before she wants carrying and won't ride in the wagon.
ReplyDeletecjmr
*offers hugs*
ReplyDeleteI really hope something good comes your way soon.
...yeah.
ReplyDeleteI kind of miss living in a small town and walking/biking everywhere. In a city that can limit what you can do, because things move at a faster pace. (Though that's regionally variable.)
And I have gotten into a lot of trouble adding decision points where it's really unnecessary. Am I going to get up this morning? Yes. That's just a thing that's going to happen today. I don't need to evaluate whether it's worth it. I just need to check the box and move on.
And I have gotten into a lot of trouble adding decision points where it's really unnecessary. Am I going to get up this morning? Yes. That's just a thing that's going to happen today. I don't need to evaluate whether it's worth it. I just need to check the box and move on.
ReplyDeleteThey can sneak in where they don't belong. Am I going to get up this morning? Yes. Am I going to get up right this moment? Plenty of space for waffling.
It can be damn hard to change, "I have to get up, I have no choice," into actually getting up given that there is a certain amount of choice involved in exactly when you're going to get up.
Walking is great. (Marchons!)
ReplyDeleteCycling is sometimes better (lower impact on the knees and feet, and you can get further in the same time), if you're in the sort of place where it's possible - I know a lot of American cities aren't.
They can sneak in where they don't belong. Am I going to get up this morning? Yes. Am I going to get up right this moment? Plenty of space for waffling.
ReplyDeleteIt can be damn hard to change, "I have to get up, I have no choice," into actually getting up given that there is a certain amount of choice involved in exactly when you're going to get up.
Oh, yes, they can sneak in anywhere. I am an expert and compulsive procrastinator, and so is my father.
"I have to/I need to/I should" is evil and hellish. "I'm going to get up," works better, especially if it's "I'm going to sit up in bed at 9:22, then I'm going to go get a bowl of cereal, then..." "I'm going to get up and be productive" is both too vague and too loaded with expectations.