Everything has left me behind enough on the non-monthly bills that second instances are rolling around with the first still unpaid and round about now (perhaps yesterday) that means I'm about $1,280, give or take, behind on such bills.
I'll be able to cover $286 of that leaving $994ish.
These are not the bills that will get me slapped with late fees or ruin my credit score. These are the bills that I have way more leeway on but also carry much higher stakes. These are the "I'll lose the house if I don't (eventually) pay it" bills, but also the "Provided I actually pay it, there's not going to be penalties for being three months late" bills.
The uncertainty is good in so far as it was because of said-uncertainty that I wasn't doomed last December. The uncertainty is bad in that it's very very stressful not knowing if the breaking point will come today, or this week, or this month.
A persistent thought that won't get out of my head is what it would take to actually get clear of everything. Via my Patreon I'm finally making as much regular monthly non-SSI income as they think I've been making all along. That means that, in theory, outside of major unforeseen disasters (like my boiler, which I call a furnace, breaking) I should be able to be in a place where I never need to depend on desperately begging for help again.
So, I can't stop thinking about what it would take to get to that place. The answer isn't particularly pretty.
Ten thousand dollars. Ten thousand dollars, more or less, and all at once.
Wipe out all of my debt beyond my low interest student loans in one fell swoop thus not allowing it to build itself back up, pay off the ~$1,000 I'm currently behind, catch up on the two-ish months of saving for the next non-monthly that I should have been doing but haven't had the actual luxury of doing.
It is at once impossibly out of reach and tantalizingly close. When the boiler broke it took $6,000 dollars to replace it and that money materialized literally overnight. That makes it seem close. Yet there is absolutely nothing I could possibly do to get $10,000.
Yet I can't stop thinking that there must, somehow, be some way. Won't God damned leave me alone.