Thursday, April 16, 2015

Fuck

I put off buying the ticket for too long.  The regular bus was sold out.

Messes up getting ready.

I'm most of the way there, ten fifteen minutes out from an arrival time that should give me 30 minutes to spare.  I realize why everything has been so hard all day.  Why I have a headache so bad and so constant that it seems to have become a part of my very being.

I forgot to take my medication.

I pack my medication after I take it.  Doesn't take a fully working brain to realize that the medication never got packed.

I'm looking at my watch, thinking about my options.  I have none.  There is a payphone at the bus station.  It's my only hope.

I'm counting out quarters.

I call my dad, he's at work and will be until into the night.

I'm hanging up the phone; I'm hoping my sister is available.

I'm hanging up the phone.  I'm resting my head on the phone, I'm not precisely tired.  This is a different kind of lack of energy.

I rest against the brick wall.

I'm looking at my watch, I'm thinking about my options.  I have have none.

I'm looking for quarters.  I try calling my mother.

I'm berating myself over what a waste that was.  Neither my mother or my sister ever pick up on the first try.  I don't have enough quarters to call them enough to have a chance of them picking up.  Even if I did --even if they did-- it's likely neither would bring me my medication.

I'm on the ground.  A backpack on one side.  A duffelbag on the other.  Back against a brick wall.  Eyes closed.

I'm not thinking about my options.  I'm not making a decision.  I'm not doing anything.

I'm wanting to scream.  I don't.  I'm wanting to cry.  I don't, but somehow my eyes feel like I am.  I'm wanting to tell the world I quit.  I give up.  I've had enough.  Fuck off.

I can't take this shit.

I'm looking at my watch.  I'm thinking about how it's twenty minutes to when the bus comes, and it'd take me two to three hours to go, pick up my meds, and come back.

I'm not deciding to take the bus instead of get my meds.  I'm not deciding to get my meds instead of taking the bus.

I'm not doing anything.  But time is passing.

The more time that passes, the closer the bus comes.

If I call my doctor I might be able to get a few days worth or prescriptions called in, but I'll be outside of the area my insurance covers.  Can I even afford that?  Only a few days.  Not cheap stuff.

I don't know.

I'm wondering if it even matters.  Say I get my meds, say I don't.  Not ready for the $650 due next month.

I'm wondering if it even matters.  Say I get the $650 for next month.  What comes after that?  $200 hole to fill every month.  Is my future going to be a constant never ending struggle to not be kicked out of my house if I'm lucky and homelessness otherwise?

My eyes are closed.  I'm wanting darkness to take me,  Go away world.

If I ignore the bus and go back for my meds, maybe I can get on a later bus?  Not from this company, but there is another bus station near here.

I'm wondering if I can afford a new ticket.  I'm wondering if I can really muster the energy to pick up my bags, go home, take meds, pack meds, and then walk back into the city.

If I go, I have to come back.  I can't take more time alone.  I need someone to help me.  To tell me it'll be alright.  What if it won't be?  Fucking lie to me.

I'm contemplating giving up on everything.  No more writing.  No more Stealing Commas.  No more trying.  No more study.

Wouldn't work.  $200 dollars a month or I lose my house, and that's after-- if I manage to deal with the $1000 or so I'm already behind.

I'm wondering if it even matters.

I'm on the ground.  A duffle bag to my left, a backpack to my right.  Propped up against a brick wall.  Eyes closed.

Fuck off, world.  I've run out of hope; I can't deal with you right now.  Come again another day.

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