Until I find some workable replacement for the $400ish less I'm getting a month ... Ok, let me put it this way: I that 400ish was more than half of my monthly income, meaning that I have less than half of my previous monthly income to work with. Until I somehow find a way to deal with that fact, I'm never going to be secure again.
Next month I need to pay the property taxes, which are usually around $650. (They're due quarterly, so they're about $216 a month.) Next month will be the second month that I got 200 less in general money and the third month that I got 200 less in food money, meaning that my savings will be about $1,000 less than they should be. Not quite that, though, because I did get donations to help pay for the oil which, in an ideal world, would have been paid out of savings.
But, you know what I won't have? $650 to pay for the taxes. And in all the frustration and panic, I've lost track of when the insurance money is even due.
When my boiler broke I was sure I was doomed. When I got donations to cover it I had hope. Now I'm drifting back toward feeling doomed. My savings are supposed to grow so that I can pay for non-monthly expenses like the taxes. Instead I'm not seeing a way to keep them shrinking to nothing at which point I lose my house anyway and replacing the boiler turns out to have been merely delaying the inevitable, and not even by that long.
Hell, if I can't somehow raise the money for taxes I could loose my house next month. My mother, the owner, has been being pressured by her boyfriend to sell it out from under me since she moved in with him, she's retired now and so can't really help me out financially with the expenses, and she can't afford to pay for a home she doesn't live in. So if I can't cover the taxes that could be the end.
I want to thank everyone who has ever donated anything to me. It's kept me going, it's kept my home. Thank you also to everyone who has read. It's been flattering and humbling and validating all at once.
I also want to apologize. I've spent so much time thinking that if I could just get through this or that crisis I'd be able to keep on going and devote more time to the blog and such. And you've all helped me get through those crises. But here I am: looking like I won't be able to keep on going, and being so distracted by money and worries that I'm devoting far less time to the blog.
Whenever I think about the state of things I do the same calculation, as if doing it one more time will change the answer. I need to fill a four hundred dollar hole each month. There are twelve months in the year. I need to find $4,800. Answer never changes. No idea how the fuck to do that.